Moving to where mom lives to help her. Any suggestions?

If I could change one thing it would be having moved my 90 year old narcissistic Mum to live round the corner wish I had left her where she was 140 miles away.

One thing to consider if you move into your Mom's house, once she goes to live in a Assisted Living or Nursing Home facility, the house might have to be sold to pay for her care at the facility.  That means that you would have to find someplace else to live other than your Mom's house (and maybe with little or no warning).  Sometimes Medicaid will allow an adult child who has been taking care of their parent to continue to live in the house while the parent is in a facility.  That is something you need to check with the social worker in Texas.  And there are other people on this forum who can give you better advice about Texas regulations than I can.

I moved in with my Mom after my Dad died and we lived together for 9 years before she had to go to the nursing home.  I was constantly "On Duty" and every time I wanted to do something, I had to consider how it would affect my Mom and whether my Mom could be alone while I am attended an event or went out of town for some reason.

You need to keep working to build up your retirement funds.  And if you are too young for Medicare, you might need to have an income in order to qualify for the ACA Health Insurance--it depends on the state.

In my situation, it wasn't the physical care that was so stressful, it was the mental and emotional interaction with my Mom that was so stressful and having to be two people at the same time (a daughter who did what her Mom wanted AND an adult child who did what needed to be done to take care of her Mom).

Living with your Mom will NOT be easy.  And no matter how many plans you make, living with your Mom will never go exactly as you have it planned.  Good Luck.

Please do not move yourself over there. Maybe you should ask a lawyer about guardianship instead. If she's incompetent, that would give you authority to move her to a memory care near you, & maybe protect you both for years to come. Best wishes.

I'm an only child and my parents both lived in Assisted Living since 2014; Dad passed away in 15, mom continued to live in a smaller apartment at the same place until May when her dementia declined along with her mobility, so I had to move her to Memory Care in the same place. There ARE other options available besides living together........thankfully. Dementia/Alzheimers is a horrible, horrible, horrible disease. Until & unless you've witnessed it up close & personal, you have no idea what all is involved. The behaviors are unbelievable.........here is ONE small example: my mother, while still pretty lucid, argues everything as if her life depends on it. If I say white, she says black. She will contradict herself in an effort to argue. It's mind-boggling, and it's nearly impossible to hold a conversation with her anymore. Luckily, she does not live with me so I can cut my visits short when the behavior becomes too much to bear. You won't have that luxury if you move in with your mom. Here is my suggestion: take ALL of your vacation time NOW and go stay with your Mom in Texas. Take as much time as you possibly can and SEE what it FEELS like to do this 24/7, and then multiply those results by 200 to get a glimpse of what your new life may feel like. Add in lots of trips to the ER, the doctors, specialists, hospitals, rehab, drug stores for endless medications and refills of which you will be in charge of, ordering of incontinence products, endless laundry which smells like urine, bedclothes that have to be changed often, and on and on. And on. Alzheimers progresses, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. What you see today will not be what you see tomorrow or next month. It changes amazingly fast, and it's all downhill. Do your research, read up on the stages of the disease and what to expect during each. Then ask yourself if THIS is the life you want for yourself? And do a trial run first. I truly think that's the best plan you can possibly have in place for yourself. If your answer is No, then start researching Memory Care facilities in an area close by to where you live now, or where you'd like to live ultimately. You'll need to be close by if she's placed, so you can visit and check up on how smoothly or not-smoothly things are going in her new home. I am 100% involved with everything that goes on in the MC with my mother, including her doctor visits & physical therapy assignments, etc., so I can advocate for her no matter what. That will be especially important for you as she declines and gets hospitalized............none of our loved ones should be alone in those places and having an advocate is a MUST!
Best of luck!

You love your mother, and I respect this. But, don’t make this move, you will regret it. You are going to give up years of earnings and preparation for your own retirement. You will become engulfed in caregiving for her, with this insidious disease controlling both of you. You need to find a good assisted living facility where trained staff can help her daily... there are some very good ones, some bad ones, and some places in between, but there are resources for you. The fine folks on this board have given some good advice... I wish you well!

If I could change one life decision, it would be NOT to have ended up living in the same town as my aging parents!

You say you already have your mother registered with the Texas Department of Aging and Disability Services - what's their advice? Have you discussed possible care plans with them?

I will reach out to my moms social worker to se wha tother programs my mom can qualify for since she now has this diagnosis.Plus I will get with her to have her sign a medical power of atty. since I already have a dpoa signed.

You are an amazing daughter for even considering moving to a distant state, leaving your job and home, to care for your Mom. I can relate to the scamming issue as my DH is as we speak making appointments to assume control over my MIL's finances due to her being scammed many times in the last few years plus we saw just this morning that there was fraudulent activity in her checking account. Time to shut it all down and take control away from her before it is all gone. Your Mom's situation seems a lot worse though as you state that she was scammed by organized groups and was possibly physically threatened or harmed. That right there makes me feel that, even if it against her will, for her safety it may be best for you to move her to be close to you and get her away from the scammers....it at least make then lose your Mom's "scent" so to speak.. lead then off her trail. It sort of seems unfair at this point for you to give up home, job, benefits, friends just so your Mom can stay in what may back an unsafe place for her. I truly hope it all works out for you and for your Mom. If the police have been involved in any of the scam incidents, have them take with her and explain that a move may be the best thing for her safety and security.

There will come a time you will have to take over, but do not jump the gun. You do not say how old your Mom is. Let us say she is 80. You could conceivably be looking at 20 more years of life, and those years would not be good. She would become more and more mentally and physically endangered and in need of care, and you may not be that many years behind her in life. I have seen instances of the children caring for elders dying before the elders. There would be issues such as incontinence, inability to eat, etc. MANY MANY issues. I myself would not give up my life for my parent. You are in years of building I would imagine for your own retirement, for some good years for yourself; those would be gone. Your mother should now move to a safer environment, perhaps a retirement village where she can move progressively to more care as it is needed. If she is unwilling to, she is likely not yet at the point where you can require that of her. You need to get POA papers drawn that will be worded strongly enough that they will serve now where your mother is semi-competent, and later when she is not. They have wording for that. You should begin to talk to those in her community where she banks, etc. If she is susceptible to scams then she may soon be entering a bank with a bogus 6,000 lottery win that she must send 2,000 to someone in "taxes". So warn folks she deals with to notify you for anything they bookmark as problematic. You will need to make frequent visits and will need POA for health care papers so her MD will speak with you regarding her condition. They are apparently seeing white matter changes in the brain, but you cannot know how fast this will go or if something other will take her before it progresses. Move slowly and carefully. Stay on this forum. Collect information. My advice would be not to take on her care, but to allow her independence while able, then some care hired in for her, and then placement. It is not an option. It is a need. So start now to get things together so that you are able to act when you must. I have a brother with early dx. of Lewy's. Luckily he has been willing to go into assisted living, not easy for him as he is the brightest light there. But knows what may be coming, can no longer drive, and doesn't want to move to my very expensive city. I am, at 77, fully cognizant that in no way could I handle this on my own; we both are. So no option there was ever considered. Try to maintain the love but keep it realistic as you are able. Wishing you the best and hoping you will update us.

Veryconcerned, your mom doesn't have ALZ because she was scammed, she was scammed probably because she had the beginnings of it, so please let that go -- you need to save your energy to solve other challenges for her.

As many commenters have wisely pointed out, caregiving is an undertaking of which you cannot now image the demands (please read the many posts on burnout). You are a sweetheart for wanting to honor your mom's wishes but she doesn't know what she's asking you to sacrifice. And yes, she is having an emotional reaction to the thought of going into a care situation.

Alzheimers only gets worse. Make sure she signs a Durable PoA so that you won't have to prove incapacity in order to operate as her attorney at large. Get all her paperwork in order. Look for good facilities near where you live, the closer the better. In my opinion and experience it is no longer about romanticized notions of how her elder care will unfold, but what is realistic and doable for both of you, but mainly you. All expenses related to her care (including moving, transportation) should be covered by her. If she cannot afford the cost of AL or NH, you should apply for Medicaid for her. Do not lay out your own money if at all possible, not because you are "cheap" but because it is not your responsibility to finance her senior years. It does not mean your don't care or love her. The journey you are on with your mom can go on for many years, a marathon, not a sprint. And you need to save for your own sunset care. Wishing you progress with your mom!

VC,

The cause of ALZ is not known, but it is unlikely to be linked to the scam artists who took advantage of your mother.

I would not give up my life, community, friends, work, pension, healthcare etc to go live with a parent, let alone one who refuses to accept the recommendations of doctors.

It is time to get all the paperwork in order if that has not been done. POA, updated will etc, while Mum is still capable of executing these documents.

Although the early stages of ALZ, may not be too disruptive in time your mother will need 24/7 care. How will you provide that and work?

Is her home fully accessible? Bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen, etc on one level without stairs into her home? I know you say she lives in a condo community, but here some condos are multi level.

This is a difficult one. Have you considered moving her to an AL home in your area? You can then keep your better paying job and watch over her locally. Look at the big picture, not necessarily today, but for tomorrow. Caring giving will take you down to your knees, read some of the other posts from caregivers who live with their LO's it is the same story over and over again, just different families. I urge you to reconsider this move. Take Care and Good Luck!

Please consider having the Area Agency on Aging social worker do a needs assessment on your mother. If your mother will not move closer to you, then I would look for a nice AL or MC close to her home. When you find a couple you think your mother would like, take her out to lunch at them. That "definitely not" is an immediate emotional reaction, not an informed choice. Have you explained to your mother how moving to care for her would mess up your life? How you want her to have all the care and security she deserves but that you just cannot provide that alone. That you need some help, that you need to know her needs are being met, that you need to know she can just walk out of her apartment and see some friendly faces?

Dementia is a downward spiral and at some point in the future your mother will need more care than a single person can provide. So while you may be able to care for her for several years, there is very likely a placement in her future.

Veryconcerned, you have a big decision to make here. Right now, you have a good job with lots of perks. If you move to take care of Mom, what will you be giving up? You will be signing up to care for Mom for the rest of her life. If she has been formally diagnosed with dementia, she will not get better, only worse. At some point, you may not be able to work at all because you will have to stay home and care for her. Do you have enough savings to live on when this happens (and it will)? You will need funds for your retirement and for health care and just for living expenses.

Before you uproot your life to go care for Mom, do careful research as to what is available where she is living now. These wheels move pretty slow, and you have to keep up with these people or your case file will get put on the bottom of the pile. I speak from personal experience here. Mom may need to make some changes to her living arrangements. She sounds like a vulnerable senior. What about moving her closer to you so you don’t have to quit?