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Rbuser1 Asked July 2019

My Mom shouldn't even have her license, but she does. What to do?

With help from 2 relatives who made sure she has them. One said she probably won't even go anywhere when I tried to intervene. Well today I didn't give her her keys and she calls said relative and whines to them. Who I believe told her she would take her to grocery store.
Then she says I just won't even go now.
I will and have and will continue to take her to the store but she flip flops so much and puts conditions on it each time. It's a war. She is using the 'my keys' as an excuse to manipulate me. Everything is a battle. When she is bored she is worse but won't do anything I suggest. Everything is 'not right now, or I'll do it tomorrow or let's just wait'
Since I have her healthcare power of attorney if feel like it's my responsibility to see to her safety and that of others. Right? I gave her her keys after she wouldn't stop harping. I can't control what she does.
I'm not asking a question as much as venting.
I won't speak to the relative in this case because they don't believe in normal adult conversations, and out of sight out of mind is usually the motto anyway. What to do?

Rbuser1 Jul 2019
I appreciate the answers and helpful advice, I did try to intervene before she finally got her license.

I took her to the grocery store, we went in my car. I know my heart is in the right place, and I'm doing the best I can, what else can you do? Just getting burned out more each day.
thank you again

Geaton777 Jul 2019
If you don't want to be "the bad guy" in revoking the license you can, as suggest below, anonymously write to your state's DMV and give your reasons why she is not safe to drive. They will summons her for either a vision (most likely) and maybe even a road test. She will most likely fail and that will be the end of it. Then do as AlvaDeer suggested and sell the car and cancel the expensive insurance. If possible arrange rides for her often so she won't miss driving plus she can socialize with whomever is driving her. Have stuff delivered so she can't complain about not getting stuff done (like groceries, etc). She'll eventually adjust. Everyone knows what losing the license means, and we all won't enjoy it, even if we surrender it ourselves.

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Sunnygirl1 Jul 2019
If you are in charge for her care and you want to protect her and keep her from harming innocent people on the roads, I'd ensure that she's not driving if she's dangerous. You might seek a consult with an attorney to see what your legal obligation is. I would hate to have to be involved in legal matters if I gave a person that I knew was not safe to drive keys and they really hurt someone on the road.

If she's not able to drive, the fact that she isn't reasonable, can't communicate well and changes her mind isn't surprising. She likely isn't capable, if she has cognitive decline. If she doesn't have transportation, then, I'd ensure that she has what she needs. Debating and expecting her to use reason, probably isn't realistic. You may need to make sure it happens. You might set up a schedule of who takes her where and when, but, she may likely not remember it.

I agree that it's none of the relatives business if they are enabling her to do things that is dangerous. I'd not engage them about it, unless, necessary.

AlvaDeer Jul 2019
Report her to the DMV. When they take the license you should get rid of the car and the keys, as the lack of a license will stop no one. My brother was in a very serious accident, almost killed him, and am certain he wishes that it had. Luckily no one but himself hurt, but now in assisted living. He had several warnings that made him know he was making mistakes. These were admitted after the license was taken. You and your mother need to go to the doctor together; he has a right to pull her license and turn it in with a letter if he judges that she is likely no longer safe to drive. At least that is the case in California and I saw it done by a vision doctor. He said "Do you drive" and the man said "Yes" and he said "May I see your license" and the man handed it over and the doctor explained he could not return it to him and that it and a letter would go to the DMV. I can't vouch for other states.

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