Dad refuses to move Mom to Memory Care and refuses to move to A/L. Any advice?

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Marie18 Asked July 2019

Dad refuses to move Mom to Memory Care and refuses to move to A/L. Any advice?

Mom has lewy body dementia for two years. She is incontinent, non verbal, can't bathe herself or dress self, swollen ankles, bruises, trouble swallowing, very hard to get up off chair, left alone in house while he mows,etc, no air conditioning. Dad refuses to have Hospice assessment so a Vulnerable Adult Report was filed by Home Health Care. He thinks he can take care of her even though he is 86, has memory problems too. I have POA and have cared for them for last 2 years assisting them to stay in the home. They have home health care 3 times/week. Mom graduated from hospice in March, but now has shown decline. How can we get Mom to a facility? Frustrated with Dad's stubbornness. Need suggestions-worn out.

Care Decisions Elder Law Parents Refusing Care

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score 0 · Answer 1

The only party that APS will allow access to investigations is a judge through a legal proceeding. You will not be able to obtain or even view those records.

Sounds like you are one of those that is just going to have to wait until an emergency happens in order to have any influence or input on care for mom. Even then, if dad does not agree with you, it likely will not go well.

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score 0 · Answer 2

Ufortunately Dad is first poa for mom. I'm second poa.

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Oh, ok. You didn’t mention this in your post. This means you really have no power unless Dad becomes unable to carry out his POA duties or passes. About all you can do is strictly supervise his care of Mom. Visit often and make sure they have all they need. You will need, somehow, to overcome Dad’s protests and stubbornness to satisfyyourself that Mom is being cared for. You don’t mention why APS didn’t follow up, but as said before, a call to them to find out why they didn’t might be informative.

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score 0 · Answer 3

Dad refuses to move period. No investigation will be done on vulnerable adult report filed. Home health care will increase visits which is good. I brought up seeing an attorney for guardianship, conservatorship, he responded very angrily. I'm so exhausted from caring for them the last 2 years. Not sure if I can do anymore.

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Do you have Durable Power of Attorney? Or at least Medical POA? This is an extremely aggressive solution and I’m not even sure of the logistics, but here’s my idea; without advertising your every move to your father, file for Medicaid for Mom. When she is approved, find a facility for her. When she’s accepted and her room is ready, take Dad out to lunch or out for the day. Then, move Mom into the facility. Since Dad doesn’t have POA, there will be nothing he can do. He will be beyond enraged, but it will be the best thing for Mom.

The only fly in the ointment I can see is that there was no follow-up done by APS. They may not have seen anything wrong. If Mom is clean and fed, she is being cared for and not neglected or abused. I would call and ask about why there is no follow-up. As POA, you are entitled to know.

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score 0 · Answer 4

You will need to check for your state's position on PoA vs Durable PoA. If you have DPoA for you mom, you can make decisions in her best interest. You need to decide if what is going on at the home is in her best interest.

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score 1 · Answer 5

It is possible that you may have to obtain Guardianship for both of them.
If he is showing signs of decline and can not care for her properly then as POA you need to step in but if he is resistant obtaining Guardianship at least over him might be the only solution.
If there is a lawyer that drew up the POA or if they have an Elder Care Attorney it is time to make an appointment to see him or her.
Guardianship is not easy, can be expensive (but costs come from the estate you do not have to use personal funds) and can be time consuming. But it might be the only way to keep both safe.

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score 1 · Answer 6

Go to an attorney, take your POA with you. This will be well worth the money. Set a plan and follow through, your father is not thinking clearly, his ego is interfering with his common sense.

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score 4 · Answer 7

The concept of becoming a parent to our parents is not an easy one to accept. But, this is what you are facing now. It sounds like Dad cannot be reasoned with. No one likes to be told they can no longer do what they used to do. When your parents married, they took the “in sickness and in health” vows just like my husband and I did. I’m sure that on some level, Dad knows caring for your mom is rapidly becoming too difficult. But he is not going to admit it to his kids.

Does anyone have Durable POA for Mom? Because she is cognitively impaired, the POA is active and you can now make health care decisions for her, which would involve placing her. What came of the Adult at Risk report? They are now on APS radar and I’m surprised there has been no follow-up done.

Put the wheels in motion for a facility for Mom. File for Medicaid if needs be. Let Dad stay in the house for a while, with help from you, but begin planning for him to move as well. He will be enraged, but it has to be. This is not a safe situation for him or your mom.

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Dad refuses to move Mom to Memory Care and refuses to move to A/L. Any advice?

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