I don’t even know if this is normal...

Dearest EmilyM:

Enduring so much within a short time can be incredibly overwhelming. Condolences for all of your losses.

You mentioned you also lost a kitty, in addition to your hubby and mum. So, at this point, you've endured so much loss that the death of a houseplant will likely crush you. I hope that you 've found a support group of some kind, utilize google to find a free online group, they exist. Online forums, such as this one will help. So stay here, and keep posting and responding.

The only way to keep living is to always be thinking forward. Not through your previous life parameters, but redefined through the eyes of someone fixing things; what can be done to help your realtor sell your home, painting walls the popular gray online home-for-sale color, even if you don't like that color. It's the least expensive color, and best online color that boosts online imaging of for-sale-homes.

Move the focus away from what's missing onto focusing upon achieving your next thing to do. There's always something to do. Even if it's as simple as updating your voicemail greeting, or shoving laundry into a washing machine, or cleaning a sink, or...you'll formulate the idea. Hugs...

Financially, is a reverse mortgage possible, or bankruptcy? Bankruptcy, depending on your state would allow you to keep your home and vehicle, etc.In the end, it's Medicaid for everyone. My trust funded friend has one year remaining, she lives inside a facility.and will be eventually switched to Medicaid.

So, options exist, in comparison to how life operated a few years ago, the options are different, so perhaps re-framing things into being/thinking as a corporation trying to survive, might help.

Take the human element out of it and operating like as if were a business, helps remove anti-bankruptcy thinking.. It's how my trust-funded-friend survives; she's in her 80s protected/housed within a facility private-pay for now. But as she says eventually everyone enters Medicaid. And thus, she must operate her life in a survival mode, as if she were a business, by never looking back, maintaining shelter is her most important priority.

She says, looking back always equates to comparisons to her present very different life, now, so that's a bad idea. In 2019 the most important things she says are having shelter, food and care.

She doesn't forget the past, but she finds when thinking about how life was a few years ago, she starts getting sad, since it's quite different, meaning it's impossible to go back to her previous life, so it's best to not think about the past.
Thinking about losses only results in more sadness, and sadness is just bad.

I am deeply moved by so many giving of their time, experience and wisdom in an effort to help me through my struggle. With a grateful heart, I pray for you all.

How are you doing Emily?

Thinking and praying for you and your situation. May God grant you grieving mercies and strength during this difficult journey.

Hugs!

Our Church has a grief group. Everyone is welcome.

I have a friend that its been 2 yrs since she lost her husband and he was 63. I think she is just coming out of the grieving process and that is with help from close friends. You still had Mom so u really didn't have time to grieve.

"The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them."

You are in your angry part. The why me, why did u leave me with these problems, etc.

If you r having money problems, you may need help in sorting them out. See if your local Office of Aging has someone who can help.

Yes, yes, yes! This is normal! ...and you came to the right place. Everyone is so helpful here and you've stepped up to help yourself by writing your thoughts and sharing your heart, here. Here, you are heard. That's been so important to me, too, as I've lived the endless challenges as a caregiver.
I agree with Isthisrealyreal. Be a caregiver. You said yourself that you did much better while caring for your husband, during his illness. There are many people at the beginning of their changing life who would be so happy when you walk in the door to relieve them. You'll make a bit of cash, feel a sense of purpose, lose your fear for a few hours and fill a need for someone in stress.

I miss my Dad so much. Next week it will be a year. Seems like yesterday...
Grief endures and morphs. Your anger is expected. It's one of the stages of grief and there is no order and no timeline. It's your life and you'll go through it in your own way. We are here for you.
My best to you-

In my town there's a hospice that runs a grief group. You might inquire about this with hospices in your area.
The local grief group run by the hospice was very helpful to me and to my husband, who joined in later, after we lost our daughter to suicide. I think one of the local churches (the biggest one here) also runs a grief group.
I favor a moderated group over an unmoderated one.
Best wishes to you!

In my town there's a hospice that runs a grief group. You might inquire about this with hospices in your area.
The local grief group run by the hospice was very helpful to me and to my husband, who joined in later, after we lost our daughter to suicide. I think one of the local churches (the biggest one here) also runs a grief group.
I favor a moderated group to an unmoderated one.
Best wishes to you!

EmilyM,

I bet it is hard for you being the one that everyone depends on to get them through the hard times. Always having to keep a stiff upper lip is no fun.

I wish I could just give you a great big long hug (((((((hug))))))).

You sound like a tough lady and you will get through this difficult journey. And I believe that you will be stronger on the other side.

Maybe you can start a group, you know you are not the only one grieving and financially unable to pay for help. Sometimes it's as simple as not having to paste a smile when you really want to be sad or need to be angry or whatever. Just being able to be, in a safe place.

My heart is with you today. May you find one thing that touches your heart in a positive way and gives you a heart felt smile.

Hugs!

I am sorry for all of your losses. I went to a grief support group at my local hospital which was free. Hospice put me in touch with the hospital. Many tears were shed but it did help. One exercise we did was to write a letter to our loved one and write a letter from our loved one to us. There are so many emotions when you are going thought this. Hope you peace.

A great big thank you to everyone who responded to me — for your compassion and support. I am usually the one everyone turns to and now I feel lost. My friends think I am doing great. It’s because I project that. I don’t talk about my pain to them. (“Laugh and the world laughs with you; weep and you weep alone.”). I don’t want to burden them. I told my doctor and she did give me an anti-anxiety med. It’s the adjustment of having to sell the house and move to an apartment. I am not proud. I accept that. But the unknown is frightening. I’m in limbo until the house sells and I can move on. Once I am settled, I will def volunteer as that has been my life up until the time that caregiving took over. And once I am settled I also feel my anger will dissipate. I’m grateful for my many blessings — a loving daughter, my faith, a wide circle of friends, etc. — I’m just SCARED with the financial burden and losing my husband of 36 years, my mother and then my kitty has all been overwhelming. Thank you all again and I will check out grieving.com RIGHT NOW!

Hi Emily, I think Grieving.com is free. I hope it helps.

EVERYTHING you are feeling is absolutely normal. When you are going through it and immediately afterward you are so in shock that you operate out of some whole other thing. Then real life descends and here you are trying to work through all the problems. For your husband this was fast, the blink of an eye. For you it is a horrific shock that leaves you reeling. I cannot know what is available where you are but step one is to your regular doctor. Be clear about the depression (anger is a real part of that) which sounds now quite severe. Explore with him if you should try a mild anti-depressive but be careful with them, for sure. And most of all explain the financial problems and the crisis need now for intervention. Go to churches in your area and to senior centers in your area; someone out there has information to help you. I found a widow and widowers group and a caregivers group both at a senior center in my brother's area. I am so sorry for the desperation. Try to take things one day at a time and definitely seek out things that give you relief. Something that is a zen of mindlessness. Whatever you like, reading a mystery, mindless podcasts or feel good movies, puzzles, gardening. Be certain to get out and walk; make yourself leave the house. Consider volunteering when you start to come out of it a bit. Be good to yourself. Allow yourself to be normal. If nothing else a "widows book club". Make it yourself and put an add in the paper. No, you likely won't read, you will likely just cry and pick one another's brains for info. I am wishing you so much luck and I want to tell you that honestly there is nothing for grief but time. ONLY with time does it begin to let you loose. Please update us.

We can help you. It is free and we are all pretty open for whatever someone needs, encouraging words, understanding, a place to vent and say whatever you need to say.

I am sorry for your losses and I can imagine how hard it gets as reality sets in and then money becomes an issue. We can help you know how to look for local resources and some of the great members here will do research and name names for you.

Welcome and I hope you find a home here to help you get through this trying time.

Being a caregiver yourself, you no doubt have wisdom and advise you too can share.

Hugs, you have been through the ringer.