A few years back I use to give a friend rides from her assisted living to our women's vet group. The last time I took her she had an accident and all these ladies decided it was my job to clean her up. I didn't hesitate (someone had to do it) so I did, took her home and missed the meeting. I felt really bad for her but never took her again. Then we had a special meeting and took her and another lady to a luncheon and they had a wonderful speaker. I was really looking forward to hearing her. The two ladies were sitting in a different area than me. Just as the speaker started I was asked to step outside. Apparently the two ladies decided they couldn't hear her and wanted to go home. Apparently one of them forgot her hearing aide. I explained that I wasn't ready to leave and they needed to go back inside and wait. At that time they already had their stuff and didn't want to go back inside. I insisted. It was going to be only another 30 minutes and I had felt that since I had been nice enough to bring them to begin with, it wasn't fair of them to think I should just miss the speaker because they were tired of sitting. Our leader had her husband take them home because twice I had a lady come to my table and tell me I should take them home. I told the lady, no, that since it wasn't a medical emergency they should wait. It made it almost impossible to enjoy the speaker. Fast forward to a few years later and I had one of the members tell me off about it. She felt that since I brought them I should have been willing to take them home when "they" wanted to go. I still don't feel I did anything wrong. I wasn't their caregiver, they weren't in any physical pain or destress, just tired of sitting there. Was I in the wrong?
15 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
ADVERTISEMENT
Stop acting like a chauffeur and stop explaining yourself. Just because someone asks for an explanation does not mean you have to give it. Be busy. Be unavailable. When they ask for a ride say something like "Sorry ladies, I've got plans after the luncheon. Enjoy the talk."
As for this person who dredged up the past some people just have too much time on their hands and don’t have much joy in their lives.
Remember, misery loves company. They want to share theirs with you. While your head may be exploding, realize she’s the clueless one.
Go on being you. This is hurtful to you & for that I am sad. She wants a reaction from you. Don’t give her one. If she does it again walk away politely.
I would think the lady that mentioned it years later may have some Dementia and now has no filter.
It's done, over with, and if there's anything about which to be concerned it's whether or not you can treat it as a "lessons learned." And that would be not provide transportation for those women.
Personally I would have been irritated at what I think was a selfish demand. People who hitch a ride with someone else can't expect cab service at their beck and call.
I am famous for getting WAY too involved in situations that come back to haunt me, and only because I wanted to do the right thing. It's beyond frustrating. Last year I spent 4 months, 60+ hrs a week trying to help a 'friend' pack up and move as she was losing her home to foreclosure, had been given custody of her 3 (horrid) grandkids...and she was sinking, fast. The mother is in jail, the father hasn't made any attempts at contact and does not pay a dime towards support--and she is 68 years old!) I literally worked myself into a coma 'helping' her.
Long story short, the entire house is packed, my SIL was going to sell her home with a 1% commission--she could not have had more support--and the son calls her and tells her not to sell. So she doesn't. There sit 3 fully packed pods in her driveway (on my credit card!!) and she is mad at ME because I cut off her 'funding'. She's been mad at me for almost a year now.
People have said some unkind things to me about 'abandoning her' in her time of trial, and I don't bother to explain. I did the best I could, actually, way more than I should have and I will regret it forever.
I am not mean to this woman. I simply had to cut her out of my life completely. She was the champ of gaslighting and acting all Southern and sweet--but wow, my radar is still up. By now she's taken advantage of so many people it's crazy....
You did NOTHING wrong.
Feeling sorry and concerned for her, I went to her house, helped her pack, got her settled in my apartment, and tried to help her plan to move forward.
After midnight, her husband came over, banging and pounding on the door. I wouldn't let him in. She changed her mind, decided to go back to him, easily dispelling all the hatred she allegedly had a few hours ago.
While I continued to be courteous to her at work, I never again considered her a friend or did anything that dragged me into her life.
MidKId58, I'm soooo glad and proud of you that you stood your ground!
If the others who criticize you are so supportive of her, why don't THEY step up and get involved in her manipulations?
Were you in the wrong...
It depends, yes and no, in what way in the wrong, how do we define your role in that particular moment, etc etc etc
No, you were doing them a favour, you weren't there particularly in a caregiving capacity, your responsibility to these ladies was limited.
But possibly yes: one of the ladies may have needed to go home for reasons she hadn't disclosed to you, but possibly had disclosed to her companion, who was therefore being indignant on her behalf to other members seated near them. As there had previously been the bathroom incident, my guess would be something related to that.
Whatever, we live and learn - don't volunteer to escort unreliable attendees to a lecture you yourself definitely want to hear! But honestly, fancy the member's bringing this up again *now*. What on earth's the point of that?
What's that people say about "no good deed goes unpunished?" Feel better!
If they/she didn't disclose a reason that may, or may not, have led you to a different decision, that is on them.
You have every right to not be a pushover.
As for anyone bringing it up EVER again...make an announcement right there that 'so & so' has just offered her car as a cabbie for anyone and GUARANTEES to drop everything on a dime to deliver them.
There Are things called taxis
tell that lady and any others who may still be virtue signalling, politely but firmly that you do not appreciate her unsolicited opinion and that it makes you feel singled out and hurt. Then refuse further conversation on the matter
this is called assertive without aggression. It puts the ball back in their court and they have nowhere to go
Ot you could just tell her to piss off
Panda, love the last line !