My parents are in their 80s. My dad is still doing well but my mother is memory impaired. I think my dad will need help with her but is too proud to allow me to help although I keep offering. The issue is that my youngest brother is 47 years old and has never worked. My parents have always paid his bills. He does not have a disability that I think would qualify for any social security or such. He just feels entitled to have them support him, he has a PhD in Philosophy and has an attitude that he is "above" the working world. His obnoxious personality has precluded him working in academia and that is all he is technically qualified for other than low level jobs he considers himself too good for.
My parents seem to see themselves as immortal. They haven't prepared a will or any provision for my brother after death. They seem to have the attitude that there is plenty of time for that but I don't think so.
Does anyone have advice on how to proceed with this? I'd like to get my parents to set things up so that my brother gets some kind of annuity so he doesn't get a big inheritance and blows it all fast leaving him homeless. Since this situation has gone one so long, I don't think they should plan on leaving money to anyone else.
Currently they own a home worth about 500k which they plan to sell for their own eldercare, other than that there isn't much.
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1. I haven't read all the posts here but skimmed through some of them.
2. I write from personal experience as well as that of others who've addressed similar problems.
3. It is not my intention to be rude or critical, but to offer insights into directions different from those (a) I would have taken a few years ago, and (b) which are based on experience of others in a situation like this.
I've become aware of people who may be geniuses or extremely smart in their own rights, but incapable of functioning as self sustaining or self sufficient individuals. They may have eidactic memories, they may be brilliant, but they often have other qualities that act against even modestly functioning in society.
a. They believe, and may be, geniuses. But their arrogant attitude and condescension of others prevents them from getting and keeping jobs, and getting along with others.
b. They are absolutely resolute in their superiority and completely unwilling to consider that anyone can offer them advice or insight equal to or superior than their own.
c. They often direct their contempt toward women, including family members, and co-workers.
d. They are unwilling to change.
e. They can't get along with co-workers because others are so "stupid."
f. Although I don't know what the mental health issues might be of these people, there's one overriding attitude: they don't need to change b/c they're sooooo smart, they're right and others are wrong.
g. They either legitimately can't change, or don't feel it necessary. I have no medical or scientific support for this, but I think the mental balance is high on the brilliant side and low if not non-existent on the practical side. Some of these guys are literally geniuses, but they can't even manage their own income.
g. So it's useless to think that any changes are possible. And that includes caring for older parents, treating siblings respectfully, supporting themselves, pulling their own weight, or contributing to family activities.
It's better for siblings to recognize this and don't consider trying to rehab them, or expect them to think rationally and take care of themselves.
Estate planning: they will expect to get as much as they can, w/o contributing anything, including care to the parents. One way to address this is to structure a trust that does NOT provide them any cash, but pays funds on their mortgage, or utility bills. A trustee should handle this, and a good trust attorneys can set this up. Keep control of asses away from them.
This may be the best way to approach your parents, i.e., caring for this son after they're gone. Create the mechanisms now so they're in place when your parents are gone.
The men will not be grateful though. Don't expect any gratitude. And you may wish to sever relations after your parents are gone. Otherwise, you'll be stuck caring for someone who is used to relying on others to provide support for him.
I don't think these kinds of brilliant but impractical people are practically capable of caring for themselves, so this should be the focus of estate planning. A trust can ration disbursements, but when the financial assets run out, these individuals are going to have to fend for themselves. And that's NOT your problem, even if this man is your brother.
Regardless of how much you try to help, you'll never be able to meet your brother's desires. Recognize that, and move on when you're ready. Otherwise, obligations will be a noose around your neck.
And he is NOT your responsibility. While it's understandable that you are concerned for a sibling, recognize that this would be for the rest of your life, since he's also being enabled when people reach out to provide the care and support he's unwilling or unable to provide for himself.
Accept they exist but don't make excuses for them to do nothing.
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ive got the same kind of brother (except mine never even finished high school). When you’ve got a sibling who has been enabled for years like this, it really does become your problem in some ways.
case in point....my MIL enabled my BIL for years & supported every bad decision he made. He’s never had to pull up his boot straps and get himself out of the jam he created. My MIL never nipped the problem in the butt, she enabled until the end of her life. She died last year and now he’s become my SILs problem. As far as I can tell, she’s choosing to pick up where MIL left off. When she’s had enough, and I do believe that day will come, he’s going to start knocking on our door.
And my BIL blew through his inheritance from MIL in less than a year. Paid off one small debt and blew threw the rest.
Her brother has never been diagnosed but it sounds like he has a personality disorder that probably should have been addressed at an early age. It doesn't mean he can't hold down a job. He probably feels his siblings should care for him when his parents pass. That thought needs to be squashed now. He is an emancipated adult responsible for himself.
He can find work, people are willing to give anyone a job to give them a chance. There are help wanted signs everywhere. No excuses for not working.
Do I remember a similar post and the deadbeat brother knew his free ride was over and actually stepped up and started working and doing what he needed to do to have a roof and food.
No matter what your brothers issues are he makes the choice every single day to mooch off your parents, as you have discovered you can't change that, but you don't have to pick up where they left off. He is a big boy and there are all kinds of jobs that he will be able to do. His education at this point is a piece of expensive paper, it will never serve him in life, he wasted that opportunity.
Please get your head wrapped around the reality that you are not responsible to pick up where your parents leave off. People can smell that stuff and he will eat you alive if he thinks you will waiver and support him. Practice, No, No, NO.
You ready? Here it is.
Never take on the emotional work someone else didn’t do and allow it to become your burden.
Because quite frankly, you should tell him to put his big boy pants on and quit sucking off his aged parents.
If he choses to continue with his attitude after they are gone you are in no way obligated to pay anything for him or provide him with a home. It is amazing how false pride goes by the wayside when you haven't eaten for a couple of days.
It is unfortunate that your parents are not willing to put things in writing, but not uncommon. My dad had to go through a crisis and almost die before he would appoint POAs, he has nothing left but SS so the rest didn't matter. But I am afraid that your mom is beyond appointing anyone and your dad may find himself up a creek without a paddle if he himself has any medical emergency.
Your brother, well, I believe that if you don't work, you don't eat and that can change things pretty quickly for a prideful, arrogant, entitled boy.
Autism does not prevent learning. Since your brother is capable of learning, he should be capable of learning enough people skills to work a job.
I have a son who was diagnosed at 3, and not mild. He had no meaningful speech until 5. He is now 29 and makes more money than his mother. He is somewhat lazy outside of work, but that is the fault of his parents (us), not autism.
On the other hand my educated SIL is too good for a job. She makes some money at a side business, but has always been propped up by Mom and Dad. Now they are gone, and much of her inheritance is gone in supporting her lifestyle. I am just hoping she does not show up at our door in need.
I think she probably resents that we have enough money, but it was our choice to live below our means. We have a trust for our children when we pass. We have money to take care of ourselves when we are older.
If your children are set, think of your own future next. You are not your brother's keeper.
A trust can be set up with someone else in charge when the parents pass. Make sure they understand the trust can also protect the remaining spouse should the other pass first, and will shield inherited money from probate and taxes. This is routine business for elder attorneys.
With a trust if one of trustees becomes incapacitated for any reason - the other can step in and take care of financials - including getting the house sold or even just a line of credit on it. As well as take care of family business.
A trust keeps government out of your business (and government never works for nothing). In their trust they can do a "special needs trust" for brother - would have to be "IF" there is anything left goes to him - perhaps with a fiduciary over the funds and dole it out as needed.
Otherwise I agree with others - this is your parent mess - if they don't fix it - don't get into it yourself or involve your family in it. You've done the right things with your family. They now need to fix their mess.