I have caused a huge family upset by letting them know I can no longer care for my mother. How do I deal with this?

Good for you to recognize your limits and set boundaries.

What do you do? You hold firm to your boundaries. Your sisters can fuss and complain as much as they like, learn to ignore it and go back to your life.

Really, the unmitigated gall of those siblings who are contributing nothing to try to guilt and shame another sibling for being unable to continue doing everyone's share indefinitely. I went through the same thing when I decided to cut back my level of involvement with Mom after several years of being "it".

The siblings thought you had it covered, permanently. They thought they were off the hook. Now they have to make a hard choice - either step up and help, or be on record as the slouches and slackers they are. As long as you are doing it, they can share the credit and feel virtuous as well. Mom is being cared for at home. She isn't being warehoused, abandoned to a nursing home. Everyone can feel good about that, as long as somebody else is doing all the work to make that possible.

Of course, they should be ashamed of themselves, instead of trying to shame you. Stick to your guns. She's their mother too.

Lolli5, I want to pick my words very carefully, here, but please bear with me if I tread on a corn.

[thinking]

Okay. How does it come about that your four sisters volunteer you for this role, which takes you far from your children and grandchildren, and you somehow think "oh, okay, I'll do my best" and make yourself ill in the attempt and then you STILL feel guilty when these four harpies try to tear you to pieces for calling enough?

This sounds to me as if it must be the habit of a lifetime. The reason it matters is that if we offer advice, it's got to be advice that can be used by a person who - on some level - is scared stiff of the people she's being encouraged to defy/confront/tell to [rude word] off.

And meanwhile, what - apart from saying "ha, it's okay, we'll dump it all on Lolli, whatever" - has been done to assess your mother's care needs and develop the right plan for her?

Do you have support from anyone at all?

A huge family upset? Why you NAUGHTY girl you!
Honey, the best thing to do here is just accept what they are saying and AGREE with them. They are bullying you and they are terrified and don't know what to do. They thought this was off them and on you. Here is what you can do. Tell them that you are FULLY AWARE of your own inadequacies, and agree with them that you are wanting in every way possible, but that the facts are the facts, and you are. Do not discuss "reasons" with them. Simply say you are "mentally and physically unable to do this and are so sorry you don't wish to discuss why with them, as that could lead to argument". Offer to bring your Mom to whichever sister feels she is less selfish and more capable now to care for her. Ask them to get together with you now to decide how to move forward for Mom. I hope that you do not have POA. But if you do, I would relinquish it to whichever sister wants to assume the duty (it isn't easy, as I am doing it). They hope to beat you back, and wear you down with argument and accusation. Just tell them that there is simply nothing they can say to you to make you feel more bad about your own inadequacies at this time than you already do. That later you will cry and weep and go to church about what a truly AWFUL person you are, but right now they have to join with you to get Mom in care. That is whether she has the funds for it or does not. Does she have a home? Are they hoping to preserve that asset so they can both do nothing and inherit? If she has assets they should now be liquidated for her care. You feel guilty? GOOD! That means you are a good a decent person. Those out there bullying you? Well, I understand they are terrified, but I have little sympathy with them; they should be standing WITH you and not against. You feel bad about yourself? Join hands with me and then we will have TWO flaw, inadequate, hopeless, confused and terrified standing together. Welcome to the club. When you find the perfect sister out there pin a medal right onto her chest. She will deserve it. PLEASE be GOOD to yourself. PLEASE recognize that you are a decent person in trying times. Not everything has a happy answer. The end of life is trying and gruesome and full of loss and terror. You are in good company here. How close are the sisters? In miles? Which wants to take care of Mom now? In her home? Time to get down to the nitty gritty and do the work. If they abandon you come back and we can all go from there as to next steps getting social services and placement help.

You have a good excuse, its effecting your health. Can't they see you've lost 25 lbs. Don't be "iffy" about it. Give them a date. I will be going home on 00/00/00. The sisters need to get something in place by then. Either caregivers or Mom in an AL or NH. If they don't, you will call APS and tell them there is a vulnerable Senior and u will give the caseworker all their phone #s.

This reminds me of stay at home Moms that get taken advantage of by working mothers that feel the stay at home Mom has all kinds of time. Happens when ur retired too. Well guess what, I no longer volunteer for anything. If I am asked is one thing. I also don't commit to anything. I found I was not a caretaker 24/7. So I placed Mom in an AL right up the street. My brothers didn't volunteer so I did what was best for me.

I have a feeling that sisters maybe trying to protect any assets that Mom has and your free labor. How ever they look at it tell them u have done ur time without their help, now its their time. And whoever is POA needs to make decisions. Me personally, would not care for anyone unless I had both financial and medical POA.

Your sisters should be ashamed and embarrassed for their behavior. You did the best you could, it is not working and it is costing you to much with your health and heart.

Has mom got enough money to pay for a facility or have you checked into ALTCS? You are fortunate that she lives in Phoenix, you literally have thousands of choices for her care.

I would contact the Maricopa county council on aging and tell them that you need help planning your moms care. They will guide you.

I would send each of those sisters a text and tell them that they don't have a say, only boots on the ground caregiver gets to make decisions and they can support you in getting mom the best facility placement possible or they can leave you alone. Those are the only 2 options available to them, if they don't stop being hateful bullies then block their numbers.

I hope you are feeling better and that you can be home with your family soon. Hugs!

Lolli, the previous posters are correct -- you have every right to stop being a slave to your mother's care. We've got your back. Please keep coming back here for support and to update us.

Who has POA/HCPOA for your mother? What are her finances like? Does she live in her own house or rent an apartment? Does she have the funds for a facility? Of course there will be work to do to get her into a facility, sell the house, qualify her for Medicaid if she is low-income and has few assets, etc. But do NOT let that stop you from moving out!

This is NOT solely YOUR responsibility, so don't let your sisters tell you it is.

One of my friends became widowed, and her siblings told her she had to move in with their mother. So she did. She's now over 70 herself, and her mother is close to 95. The mother fell, was hospitalized, rehab, etc. and it was determined that she couldn't be alone. So a brother was watching her during the day while my friend worked. She had to quit her weekend job at a bookstore (which she loved). She is afraid that she will soon be told to quit her M-F job to look after the mother. The mother refuses to have help come in.

I wish my friend would refuse to be her mother's slave. But she's been enslaved for years now. You've only been doing caregiving for 8 months. Break away!

Lolli5, hold your ground, do not let your sister throw that guilt blanket over you.

Who is being selfish are your sisters, thinking because you are a widow that you have all the time in the world to take care of Mom. That is so unfair. Glad you are backing off from hands-on care, I see from your profile that your Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia along with other major health issues. Up to 40% of family caregivers have died leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds.

It is time for your sisters to step up to the plate, and if they cannot do so [not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, I wasn't], then other arrangements need to be made for the caring of your mother. Such as hiring caregivers, or moving mother to an Assisted Living/Memory Care facility.

So stand firm, keep coming back to the forum as we all have your back :)

My goodness - Good for you in realizing the toll this was taking on you and putting your health first. So sorry you have been through the wringer!!

My very first thought, as other have said, is that your sisters are guilting you because they don't want to take on the responsibility. You do not owe your life and your health to anyone -- they can be mad, but at least you will be alive to hear them be mad.

Keep coming back here to vent, or get some encouragement that you are not being selfish, you are doing the right thing!!

So sorry you're dealing with all this. Caregiving is SO draining. I just can't say this enough to everyone - protect your health and sanity!! Period. My mom died last March and I am only now starting to feel less like a quivering Chihuahua dog from the stress. In retrospect I would have backed way off and let caretakers do their thing. Ignore anyone who doesn't get it. Do what you need to to settle your mom and take time to do some healing for yourself. We all need it when we are in it and recovering.
WE get it and support you. Best wishes.