Pstracy Asked July 2019

I'm starting a new job. How do I explain or ask my new employer about needing to take a parent to an appointment?

Dad has an assessment to go to a new care facility and they have asked me to be there and dad wants me there. But it's during my work hours and I'm just starting a new job.

Mom has upcoming doctor appointments. Shes gone by herself before, but then I found out she wasn't telling me the truth about what the doctor said.

I go with dad to his appointments because he has onset of Lewy Body Dementia and can't remember what the doctor tells him.

How do I make this work when I have to work Monday thru Friday 9 to 6? I also work 20 minutes out of town so I can't make an appointment for during my lunch hour. I'm am only child, we moved here a year ago to take care of mom and dad now in care facilities so we don't really know anyone, and husband doesn't drive due to health reasons. He can take Uber but he doesn't remember or write down important details of visit.

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I'm both an only child and an employer with 6 employees. In my state it is none of the employer's business and I can't ask many personal questions in an interview. But a small business needs to be profitable so that everyone benefits. I think you will burn through your PTO in no time, especially since you just started and you may not have or cannot yet take any time off. I can totally live with being told, "I have a critical appointment this week and I must be present." As an employer I can plan around that. But your situation is going to be unending and unpredictable and I'd be very sorry for your problems but also very sorry I hired you. The other employees who cover for you will only have good will for your situation for so long, as it will stress them out, too, and it's unfair. Even if you took unpaid time off, if a business bills on an hourly rate the less hours you work, the less money everyone makes. There's no getting around that fact.

With 3 compromised people you are way over your head and it's only going to get more intense. Can your parents hire a part-time companion from a service like Visiting Angels who can shuttle them around and take notes at appointments?

Side note: why do facilities disrespect working people by insisting on scheduling care conferences and appointments in the middle of work weeks? Right in the middle of the day? Why not evenings and weekends?

Wishing you success.

Helpful Answer (15)

Yes I think providers who have to deal with us working adult children are going to have to start offering appointments during times other than weekdays 9-5. I had to meet with an insurance agent who was wonderful at helping me get through all the medicare mumbo jumbo and she actually has availability after 5 pm and on Saturdays. I have referred her to several people on similar situations with elderly parents.

(9)

Consider phoning into mom's doctor appointments. Or doing a phone consult or email with the doctor before the after the appointment.

You might look into hiring a Geriatric Care manager in the short term to manage this.

Helpful Answer (14)

Thanks, I have just recently heard of Geriatric Care Managers. This might be a consideration.

(3)

This is going to be hard. You are going to be asked why u didn't bring this up in your interview. The last place I worked, 16 yrs ago, you couldn't take anymore time off then allowed for vacation and personal time. I found at that time and now that companies aren't sympathetic to you taking time off. Really, they hired you to do a job, they have a right to expect you to be there. Especially, since you are on a learning curve.

You can ask, but don't be surprised if they aren't happy about it.

Helpful Answer (14)

Agree with JoAnn. Employers may honor the previously scheduled new employee’s that were discussed at the interview (like a family wedding, etc) but it’s not likeley to go further than that.

Even at my current job where my team (24 nurses) we have to request PTO and hope we get it. If the request overlaps or more than 2 of us ask for the same time off, the rest of us just move forward and change our dates.

Its not going to look good for you taking that time off unless you have discussed it at the interview.

Yes employers are more aware of the emotional needs of their employees, but they are in business after all, and if you have a small office where it is expected you are there and ready to work, whether your employer is “good” or not, your absence will affect the rest of your team.

Bottom line: Usually there is an evaluation after 90 days when the employer can let you go without any valid reason or simply stating that what they have seen re your performance is that you aren’t progressing as you should after 90 days. It may be more difficult to fire you if you pass your 90 day evaluation, but attendance at work is a solid basis for employee performance evaluation & termination.

This is your life and you have to begin to live it. Your parents are being cared for. It’s time you take care of you.

Set some boundaries with your parents. Join patient portals associated with your and your parents’ medical groups. Make sure you are listed for HIPPA info. But honestly it is unrealistic you will allowed to be a
on a flex schedule or given any additional consideration that isn’t given to another employee. It wouldn’t be fair no matter what.

Prioritize one or the other and keep your balance between both. You have to work to cover your own insurance & pay into SS for yourself. Work to find the work/personal balance between taking care of your parents (who are receiving 24/7 care). They have lived their lives and careers. Now it’s your turn. You can’t be all things to all people all the time. Shift priorities to you and your future needs. Your parents will have to understand this as well.

Another fact: you are replaceable. Realize this. If you want this job you will more than likely need to choose between the job or your parents doctor appts.

Your manager also also has a manager who is scrutinizing them - their use of payroll hours, staff coverage, employee productivity. It’s still a business. Bottom line. I’ve been on both sides; managed a hemodialysis clinic for 15 yrs. No matter how much I liked someone, bottom line managers must be objective and be consistent in managing employees. If no one else gets that perk, neither should you.

FMLA is usually not a benefit offered until you’ve worked at least one year, and if the business has less than 50 employees they aren’t required to offer it.

If possible let your employer know about this upcoming appt that you must keep and going forward make every effort not to have to leave work intermittently during the day.

I wish you good luck. I hope you enjoy your new position. Remember it’s your time to work for your future.

(13)

One option is to hire someone to take them to appointments and to take notes, let the doctors know that you want this person there. If this is a CNA there shouldn't be any difficulty with medical terminology or modesty (although they wouldn't need to be present for any physical exams). I would also be in contact with their doctors and ask for a summary of the visit - they have notes on file anyway and is should be a simple matter to copy them. Some practices also have a patient portal available so you can check results online.

Helpful Answer (14)

If you don't ask you don't get - I'd ask the care facility if they can do this assessment on the nearest Saturday to the appointment they've proposed. If not, then it can't be helped and we'll have to think of something else, but you might as well give it a try.

Helpful Answer (11)

As an employer I am always more understanding when people are forthcoming. You need to make a list of the appointments that you need to be present at and speak with your employer.

I would ask during this conversation what would be the best case scenario for future appointments that you need to attend to, ie are Tuesday afternoons better for the company then say Friday mornings. Let them tell you what is best. Then reschedule appointments that are at the worse possible times.

I would not start telling them what the law says they have to do, because they will find a way to fire you before you have an opportunity to become a legal problem for them. I don't care how nice they are, any employee that talks like they will sue will be replaced, it is to expensive to litigate employee issues and who wants someone to bring that to work.

As Tacy said, be a stellar employee and they will want to work with you. The more valuable you are the more you are valued.

But tell them asap and apologize for not bringing it up in the interview.

I hope that you can juggle everything on your plate, you may have to be creative and flexible, but I think it is great that you are going back to work. I believe that we all feel healthier and more balanced when we are productive.

Helpful Answer (9)

Sorry, but you must not miss work... It sounds like your mom's gone to Dr by herself before, (& new facility appt for dad can be done as a conference call prob). (Not when ur at work though ). Believe me, the appointments for your parents will never end... (So set this boundary now), & safeguard your job. DON'T miss ANY time at your new job. You will be fired. After you establish yourself as a great employee, (which takes at least 6 months), then you could ask for day off; (with 2wks notice). No offense intended.

Helpful Answer (9)

What is your employers policy on medical appointments?

You need to decide which appointments you must attend and which it might be nice to attend.

When you take Dad for the facility tour, ask them about rides to appointments. It should be part of what they do.

You need to hire someone to take Mum to her appointments. Send a note along ahead of the appointment so the doctor knows what is what. You could ask permission to audio record the appointments.

Back in my 20’s I drove a single Mum’s daughter to her orthodontist monthly. The Mum was a school teacher and could not take time off. I drove another child to preschool once a week. I was just a neighbour, but some agencies may offer this service too.

Helpful Answer (8)

You say your folks are in care facilities...........most of which have doctors coming in to see the residents on a regular basis. That is a LIFE SAVER! Check with the facility to see if that service is provided and then sign them up right away. The doc or the PA calls me directly right after an appointment with my mother to tell me what REALLY took place, what meds she's been put on, etc. I can also tell her the truth with mother's symptoms since she lies like a rug. Since your dad has an assessment appointment at a new place, that's a different situation which you'll need to be there for. I guess you'll need to tell your new employer the truth and ask for the time off. With any luck at all, your boss will be sympathetic to the whole situation as many people are. To be honest, I find caring for my mother to be practically a full time job and that's with her being in a memory care facility. I'm trying to find a part time job right now because I don't see how I could possibly swing full time AND caring for her both.

Best of luck!

Helpful Answer (8)

You may have to give up perfection for certain, because the problems are only going to get worse in this, not better. You are dealing with two elders. You will have to share with someone, or you will not always be able to be there, and that will make it more difficult for certain. There is no way to be the primary one responsible for two elders and work 24/7 imho. Let your husband take Uber and let him write down things for you as well as you are able. Then make a call to the doctors for any questions you have. As far as the job goes, the decision whether to own up to things before being hired is always so dicey. Many people have children with special needs. Do they admit that going in, or not? One way is honest, but it may also get the job taken from you and given to the next candidate in line. For me, I think there is no really good answer to this one. Things have to "give" a bit elastically all along the line. Your husband needs to have this discussed with him. Ask permission for a recorder to be there so he can get details for you. You are not going to be able to monitor everything that goes on with your parents. It IS a huge job on its own. IF you find yourself having to take too much time from work, then go in and be honest with them, just where it stands with your parents. Let them know there will be times you need to be gone for several hours, that you will make up the time in excellent work and loyalty and hope for the best. Honest, though, ultimately, given it takes at least 3 hours for any appointment minimally these days, I don't see how you will be able to do it all, and something will have to give. Either the number of hours you work, or someone else taking your parents.

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I'm starting a new job. How do I explain or ask my new employer about needing to take a parent to an appointment?

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