What’s the average length of time someone is in AL or a SNF? How long has your LO been in one?
My mother is 84 and has been in AL for the past 5.5 years. I moved her there after quadruple bypass surgery because my father is gone and she needed more help than I could give her being half hour away and having 3 small kids.
She has stage 4 COPD and CHF and while she acts like she’s dying and can’t do anything - she actually pretty healthy and capable she just feels like she’s reached a place where she likes everything done for her.
I was really surprised to read the average length of stay in AL is less than 2 years and wonder why? Is it because $ runs out or most people enter at a much higher age? Is she just not as sick as most in al?
I admit when she first moved in I assumed she was on a downward spiral and would not live more than a few years but 5.5 years later she’s pretty much the same.
It makes me think she’s not as ‘compromised’ as she acts and she just likes having everything done for her. She’s never been one to push herself and I have always felt like she could die at any second so I do whatever I have to to make her happy.
I’be completely burnt myself out over the past 5 years thinking ‘this is it’ but she literally bounces back from every illness and is fine.
Not sure what the point of this is other than I feel like I’ve had an light bulb moment and feel like I’ve been fooled ;-( I adore my mom but I’ve given so much to her and I don’t have a lot left and I literally can’t imagine doing this for another 5+ years.
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I have no idea what will ultimately be her demise, or when it will happen , but at the rates shes paying for Memory Care, she'll run out of money in 2 years and I'll have to apply for Medicaid.
God help us All, huh? Between all the moves (6 moves since 2011), all the trips to doctors, hospitals, rehab, dentists, oral surgeons, ENTs, physical therapists, specialists and on and ON, I'm exhausted. And why I get so riled up when people on this forum talk about us dumping our folks off in facilities so we can be rid of them. Really? Is this what being rid of my mother feels like? It would be funny if it weren't so sad and draining.
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the body is still healthy while the head is dead, my mother lived the last few years of her life like that! I’m with you about NO heroic measures for loved ones in advance stages of dementia. When ever I am diagnosed, before I get too bad, I’m going to arrange to go where I can drink the kool aid.
My parents stayed in the house much longer than they should have. I know - that’s a real shocker, right?
When they finally moved to “Independent” Living my dad was in pretty bad shape and only lived another year and some change. He was only able to live there with the help of paid caregivers and my mom, who was in pretty good shape - physically, that is. Mom had the beginning signs of dementia, which I failed to recognize, and a nasty little Oxycodone habit. My father passed the eve of his 85th birthday. Mom was 84 at the time.
Mom went on to live another nearly four years in IL with the help of a paid caregiver and by sucking the life and soul out of me.
A nasty fall lead to the change to Assisted Living- which turned into a brief pit-stop as they 86’ed her after two falls in ten days.
The final stop in a small, privately owned nursing home lasted ten months.
The thing is - if it had been a straight up physical thing, my mother would probably still be alive today. This month marks three years gone.
What finally got her - in the end - was the dementia. Mom forgot how to eat and had a strict No Feeding Tube paragraph in her Advanced Directive. So, basically- she starved to death. It was brutal to have to witness- although she didn’t appear to be in any discomfort or pain.
These type of “long goodbyes” are so cruel. The mind wears out but the vessel keeps chugging along. I was continually bouncing between frustration, devastation and calm acceptance. I’d leave from visiting her on Friday- so sure that that was the last time I’d see her alive - only to arrive on Monday to find her participating in Wheelchair Aerobics.
Finally, I got hospice on board. I needed the extra sets of professional eyes to help me gage what to expect. You might give them a try. They really helped me.
It's hard to tell how long someone can/ will go on, especially when their physical challenges are "not that bad" for someone at age 95. Mom had a sister who lived to 96 without dementia symptoms, and one who lived to 99 with moderate dementia. I've learned to just accept whatever the day presents when I visit (once a week, I limit it to that for my own mental health), ensure she's continuing to be in good care, report any concerning delusions or hallucinations to the Director of Nursing for investigation (they've encouraged me to do that, even if I'm pretty sure it's all in her head - at least twice a UTI was responsible and they were able to address that), and remind myself that God will take her, when it's her time. Above all - keep coming to this site - we're all in this together. Take care of yourself - when you're really, really tired it's your body and mind telling you that you need to carve out some serious self-care.
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