Vincent, think of it this way, it was time for your love on to have a village to take of her. You were only one person, trying to do the work of many.
One thing that helped me through the guilt was learning that up to 40% of family caregivers will die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds. And that would happen if you decide to bring your love one back home. Then what? Now you can visit her in Assisted Living as a caring partner instead of an exhausted caregiver.
Thank you so much for answering! Your point "up to 40% of family caregivers will die leaving behind the love one they were caring" was especially helpful. I know it was killing me, and I can't imagine what would happen to her if I died. Thanks again.
Hi. Yesterday I put my DH, who I have been with since I was 16, in permanent care He is 63. I am 61. He is ringing me every 15 to 20 minutes begging me to come and get him. I don’t answer the phone and I have stopped listening to the voice mails. In between calling me he is calling our son with the same. He will not hand over his phone and staff are not allowed to take it. We are just waiting for the battery to run down
i hate the deceit and betrayal but I can no longer meet his constant demands
i will give you the advice I have been given. Don’t visit for a couple of weeks and don’t take her calls. It is not helping, only harming and prolonging her settling down. It’s hard , especially at your age but it has to be done. If you can lean on friends, church or care group
Yes! The phone calls!! It puts me in a panic. It helps so much just to know that I am not the only one who is dealing with this. Not that I want others to suffer, just that I want to feel like I'm not a horrible person for not answering her calls. Thank you .
Oh, Lordy. Another one of those good and decent and kind people who believe that there is somewhere a PERFECT person, and were he/she only up to it he/she could BE that perfect person. Psychopathic or psychotic personalities, narcissists who care about no one and nothing but themselves--they don't ever feel guilt. Not ever. They are totally devoid of empathy. They have not the ability to sit and mourn about "does she miss me; does she remember, is she heartbroken". They are simply unable to care. Please try to think about it another way. Try to understand that the reason you wish you were young enough, whole enough, perfect enough to have continued on forever in this mission is that you are a good person. This is a sad thing. This is true and real loss. There is nothing that can make you or your partner happy about this. This is something that isn't going to get better. That cannot be a happy outcome. There is good reason to weep. There is good reason to mourn. Just don't mistake the mourning for a lack within yourself. Please don't do that to yourself. After all you have done you deserve so much better of yourself than to think that about yourself. PLEASE be gentle with yourself, because you are breaking the hearts of those who read this. There are so many here who could not even BEGIN to take care of their loved ones in their home. I am 77. I knew there was no way I could care for my beloved brother in my home. Couldn't even begin to. Best I can do is visit and handle finances so he is never ripped off, so he has funds for his life that is left. So many on this forum have done the care for years and then had to know they could not any long--and broken in heart and body they had to do just as you did. So many on this forum are hanging on by their toenails today and every day, knowing that if the person they love and care for doesn't pass, they will not be able to do this much longer. Don't let them think that after ALL THE LOVE and CARE you gave, this is where it has left you. Please rethink it.
Your letter was just the kind of wake up call I needed. This part was especially helpful: "There is nothing that can make you or your partner happy about this. This is something that isn't going to get better. That cannot be a happy outcome. There is good reason to weep. There is good reason to mourn. Just don't mistake the mourning for a lack within yourself. " Thanks!
VincentSr. As hard as it may be, you need to step back and not visit everyday. This will allow your loved one to get settled.
Her brain is broken and her requests are unrealistic. Please don't beat yourself up for doing the best thing possible for her. She has reached the stage that she needs a village and you lovingly found her one.
Try to redirect her when she is begging for you to take her home or get her her own home. If you can't change the subject, leave. You can only do so much and sometimes removing yourself will calm her down and you.
Alzs/dementia is a brutal disease that steals our loved ones one brain cell at a time until we cannot hardly recognize them. Take care of you and be kind and merciful to yourself.
Hugs! It does get easier. Keep coming here to vent and get support.
Thank you for answering! I like the clear way you put it: "her brain is broken and her requests are unrealistic." I have to keep chanting that to myself like a mantra. I also have tried your suggestion of redirecting her attention when she is angry or sad. Sometimes this works better than others. One of the things that worked for a little while was another suggestion I read, showing her funny cat videos! Thanks again!
Accept that you are doing the best thing that you can do for her, and you. We caretakers don't want to accept that we are mere mortals, and must take care of ourselves too, You can visit her, life will go on for both you and her.
5 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
One thing that helped me through the guilt was learning that up to 40% of family caregivers will die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds. And that would happen if you decide to bring your love one back home. Then what? Now you can visit her in Assisted Living as a caring partner instead of an exhausted caregiver.
i hate the deceit and betrayal but I can no longer meet his constant demands
i will give you the advice I have been given. Don’t visit for a couple of weeks and don’t take her calls. It is not helping, only harming and prolonging her settling down. It’s hard , especially at your age but it has to be done. If you can lean on friends, church or care group
Thank you .
ADVERTISEMENT
Psychopathic or psychotic personalities, narcissists who care about no one and nothing but themselves--they don't ever feel guilt. Not ever. They are totally devoid of empathy. They have not the ability to sit and mourn about "does she miss me; does she remember, is she heartbroken". They are simply unable to care.
Please try to think about it another way. Try to understand that the reason you wish you were young enough, whole enough, perfect enough to have continued on forever in this mission is that you are a good person.
This is a sad thing. This is true and real loss. There is nothing that can make you or your partner happy about this. This is something that isn't going to get better. That cannot be a happy outcome. There is good reason to weep. There is good reason to mourn. Just don't mistake the mourning for a lack within yourself. Please don't do that to yourself. After all you have done you deserve so much better of yourself than to think that about yourself. PLEASE be gentle with yourself, because you are breaking the hearts of those who read this. There are so many here who could not even BEGIN to take care of their loved ones in their home. I am 77. I knew there was no way I could care for my beloved brother in my home. Couldn't even begin to. Best I can do is visit and handle finances so he is never ripped off, so he has funds for his life that is left. So many on this forum have done the care for years and then had to know they could not any long--and broken in heart and body they had to do just as you did. So many on this forum are hanging on by their toenails today and every day, knowing that if the person they love and care for doesn't pass, they will not be able to do this much longer. Don't let them think that after ALL THE LOVE and CARE you gave, this is where it has left you. Please rethink it.
Her brain is broken and her requests are unrealistic. Please don't beat yourself up for doing the best thing possible for her. She has reached the stage that she needs a village and you lovingly found her one.
Try to redirect her when she is begging for you to take her home or get her her own home. If you can't change the subject, leave. You can only do so much and sometimes removing yourself will calm her down and you.
Alzs/dementia is a brutal disease that steals our loved ones one brain cell at a time until we cannot hardly recognize them. Take care of you and be kind and merciful to yourself.
Hugs! It does get easier. Keep coming here to vent and get support.