Dad with dementia and stroke keeps asking when he is going home. He is in assisted living and will not be going home. Should we tell him?

Beth, with dementia if a person is asking to go home, the home they are referring is usually their childhood home.... back with life was fun for a child.

My Mom was doing the same thing. Mom was 98 and she wanted to visit with her parents and siblings. I found using the "theraputic fibs" worked great. I would tell Mom that her parents were visiting the old country and Mom accepted that. Then a couple of days later Mom would ask again. I would give Mom the same answer. Later I would try other answers to keep it less tedious.

Telling my Mom she would never go home would only upset her greatly. Thus, not a win-win approach.

It is hard to hear these questions, and you and your family must feel sick at heart knowing that your father won't be going "home" but fobbing him off with half-truths.

But hard as it is, it isn't as hard as it would be for your father to hear that he will never see his home again. What's more, he would have to go through that every single time - because telling him the truth will not stop his asking. He cannot retain the information. Telling it like it is to him wouldn't only be hurtful for him, it would be futile. He *cannot* comprehend the truth.

Try to divert the question into asking him in return about how he's doing with his daily routine. What does he think of his physical therapy, how is he enjoying the occupational therapy or activities he's offered, is he forming any connections or friendships with staff or fellow residents?

I am not for a second suggesting this as a practical option, but your only real alternative would be to take him home. At which point you might well find he didn't even mean *that* home - he has in mind a quite different home, perhaps one that he lived in decades ago. All the same, just as a mental exercise, what would it take to care for your father as well at the family's home as he currently is cared for in his ALF? If you revisit the decision and recall all of the reasons why that's neither do-able nor in his best interests, it might help get the lesser evil of therapeutic fibbing back into perspective.

The doctors give good advice, and we regularly throw them “under the bus” by telling our loved ones they’ll be able to go home when the doctor says they can. I know it’s frustrating to have to keep re-telling him the same thing, but it’s something you’ll just have to do. When you visit, try to occupy him with something he likes to do, a favorite snack, a photo album, etc.

If he isn't remembering he will ask the same questions no matter what you say. Best to tell him that it will depend on how he improves and his doctor will let him know when the time is right. This will keep him working to keep his strength.