My dad has dementia. Any advice?

I agree with others, call APS about his health and the house situation, and talk with his doctor about him driving with dementia. Tell the doctor the reasons you don't think he is safe to drive. I believe doctors are required to report to the DMV if a dementia patient is driving and the DMV should in turn have him take a written and driving test. If the doctor does not report him to the DMV, you can contact the DMV to let them know about your dad and that you feel he is unsafe to drive due to the dementia. If he does not pass the test, he will get an ID card and will no longer be able to drive. Do not feel any guilt about this, you are doing the right thing. You are potentially saving another life and your dad's. Let the doctor and/or DMV know you want to be anonymous.

Ahmijoy: Another thought - depending on the ages of these 8 felines, they may not be making it to their "toilets." aka litter boxes. You're right; once a cat urinates in one area of clothing, say, it will return to that spot.

my2cents: Yes, anyone whose skin is smelling like cat urine, well - you get the picture or odor. On top of his lack of showering adds to the unpleasant odor, to say the least. Social services need to be called STAT.

Your county has a 24/7 ELDER ABUSE HOTLINE! Or social services. That’s really a bad situation you’re in. Does stepmom have financial & medical POA over your Dad? You’re never gonna get your Dad to sign off on a power of attorney now with her in charge. He sounds pretty paranoid.
GodSpeed. Long road.

File with APS through DHS.  And don't quit until action is taken.

Time to tell their physician what is going on. If he has no insurance on his auto, time to remove the car keys. With so many cats, that IS a BIG trip hazard. Something must be done! No wonder that they won't let you in the house. Think of the odor.

Start with a wellness check bu PD, explain why you are concerned so if you get a diligent caring officer who isn't being pulled in other emergent directions, they will be aware of his dementia as well as your concerns and not just be snowed over by a quick "we are fine". Then the police may or may not call APS to follow up but hopefully they will which will probably make APS do a more thorough follow up visit.

If you prefer you could simply tell your dad and or step mother that if they don't let you in and see that everything is fine you will call PD or APS because you are so concerned and it's so important. Use your instinct knowing each of them to decide which way to go, if you think the threat of outside oversight might make them more cooperative with you, great, that's the way I would go but if you think it will just make them dig in and or prepare then let it be a surprise, no one has to say the report came from you.

How do you know how many cats there are? When was the last time you were in the house?
You might have luck by calling the animal control (ASPCA). Sometimes they can take action if the animals aren’t being taken care of properly.
I would research this thoroughly. You wouldn’t want to cause your dad more stress. You would need a back up plan for him and step mom. But the animal control might be a way to get someone in the house and they may be able to expedite APS depending on what they find.

Does she have children? If so have you contacted them?

Let us know how you handle this. There are others in your situation who can benefit from the information. Good luck.

Call Adult Protective Services and/or the police to investigate. One of these departments can get back to you and also get him into emergency care places.

If you can get access to his car, you can put a Zubee device in it. It plugs in to the diagnostic port. You will be alerted when he goes out, see where he is. It will tell you his speed, if he’s doing hard breaking, etc.

It's time to call adult protective services so they can go in to see what's going on. Give them all the info you have and let them go inside.

It's very possible he is telling you she's in bed so you don't go in and see a huge mess - especially if there are 8 indoor cats. He might be embarrassed and she might, too. On the other hand, you say he has dementia, so you cannot be certain of what is really going on if you cannot go inside. Adult protective can get a better idea and determine if a payee needs to be put on his income (and hers too). They may be able to send info to his doctor as to his ability to continue driving to start the process of removing his license. (That's another thought, too - he may not have remembered to renew his license and that is the reason he no longer has insurance).

As far as the uninsured car, as soon as dad gets behind the wheel, contact the police ASAP. Explain he has dementia, shouldn’t be driving and the car is uninsured. It will help greatly if you can tell them where he’s headed. They will probably send an officer out to look for him. If they find him and conduct a traffic stop, they might tow the car if it’s uninsured (will depend on state law). With any luck they will also notice he’s cognitive state isn’t what it should be and notify the DMV.

You can call their local police to do a well-check. This is pretty much what Adult Protective Services will do. But they check for physical well-being and not things like driving without insurance . They will report back to APS but they won’t do anything unless they see obvious signs of abuse or neglect. Smelling like cat pee isn’t a sign of abuse, just too many cats and maybe dirty litter boxes.

Sometimes you just need to put your foot down. Respectfully of course, but still...

I agree with other posts. Call for a wellness check if you can’t gain access into the house. Go with your gut and protect your Dad. Good luck.

I might contact the county's Adult Protective Services and report your concerns. He needs to be protected. I might also consult with an attorney to get advice on options.

Wow. So, when you (and who else?) go to visit, why can't you go in the house? If she is in bed, your dad won't let you in? Not to be mean or aggressive, but can you kind of bluster your way in, gently push past him or something without it turning ugly?

How old is she? How long have they been married? Does she also have dementia?

Has your dad been going to the doctor? If so, can you talk to the doc and maybe have his office call to schedule an appt?

If you can't gain access to the house, without being aggressive which you should not do, can you call the local PD for a wellness check for both of them?

Does he answer the phone?

Sure sounds frustrating and concerning.