My Mom can no longer care for my dad due to injuries from a fall. Can I file for emergency guardianship for my dad?

Your brother has made it clear he won’t help so I would forget about him completely and do what you need to do to help your parents. You and your brother are estranged so I wouldn’t call him and tell him to bring mom to you.

It quite honestly sounds to me as though both your Mom and your father need to be in care. This is going to be beyond you physically,mentally and emotionally to say nothing of financially. You say the brother moved them there, then has abandoned any care of them in any way, and doesn't communicate with you? I don't understand what you can do in this situation. I would report the circumstances your Dad is in to APS, let your brother know they are 3 miles from HIM, not from you. Tell him if he can get your Dad delivered to you at your home you will attempt to care for him, but will not and cannot deal with your Mom. She will then require him or placement. She may not survive this whole thing with the jaw wiring and food needs; but I don't see what you can do to help any of this. You would end slave labor, unable to fulfill the needs, and they would be moved to care in any case. I just don't see this as fixable, myself. I don't certainly know all the facts, but wow.....this looks impossible. Do you work? How can you be away from your OWN home and life to this extent?

It’s been four months now and my brother has visited once and when he did he just dropped his 5 & 7 yr old off and left then with my mother. Came back two hours later and left. He was not concerned that it was time for my mother to tube feed my dad. My mother calls me once a week and cries that my brother won’t help! All I can do is tell her that she’s doing a great job. In the back of my head I’m thinking you’re trapping what you’ve soiled between the family. This is the hardest thing I’ve had to do with the fact that she’s been so deceiving for years.

H'm.

Just say it was you. Would you think *any* of the reasons you guess might lie behind your brother's attitude good enough to block somebody's calls, refuse communication to the extent of withholding essential news, and refuse to visit a house that that person is staying in?

I mean, he's not just a bit disgruntled, is he?

My guess is that someone must have fed him some rather poisonous taratiddles at some stage.

So, to return: is it true that your brother has "refused" to help? Or is there a bit more to it than that?

I wonder if your mother told him not to tell you about her bad fall because you wouldn't be interested. That you'd refused to visit. That you'd said he could deal with this on his own.

I can't suggest how, but find a way to talk to him. Both of you need not to take your mother's word for anything that anybody has said.

Thunder, don't you have to wonder what your mother told your brother about you? You haven't done a thing to him, but he's obviously got the impression - somehow, heaven knows where from hem-hem - that you have. Any idea what that impression might comprise?

Did he and you get on pretty well before this two year estrangement?

So my brother is on all my mothers HIPPAS and second on dads DPOA. He says he’s not helping as long as I’m at the house. Keep in mind his wife posted on social media about my mother not spending time with his girls, so they are fighting right now. He hasn’t even called her since her surgery. Today, she told me that I don’t need to talk to my friends! Today I did go to her doctor Her instability is placing the household in danger. She has an appt Monday & the dr asked me to bring all my ppwk of nasty texts and voice recordings when the office opens. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get her evaluated.

I'm narrowing my eyes at this bit: "My brother lives in town 3 miles away and is refusing to help."

Is he? Have you actually spoken to him yourself?

I think, if you're not to fall straight into a quagmire, you really need to talk to him first if only to confirm that he's washed his hands of them.

I cannot even BEGIN to imagine why you would want POA or guardianship in these circumstances. This is on the system, in my book. Let them take care of the narcissistic psychopath, if the brother doesn't wish to. I would not be stepping in this pile for love nor money. I would in fact be withdrawing as secondary POA. Mom is in Hospital; Social Services will step into place Dad safely. Hopefully bro can manage THAT. If not, then not, and Social Services will be doing it.
I am not much of a "blood trumps all". For me, love does that. I will go a long way for love and decency and zero distance for psychotic disordered folks. From that I will run away, and that is whether I am the daughter or not. What is it you imagine you can conceivably do to help this situation short of giving up your entire life in exchange for a life of abuse?

Thunder5,

Sorry but from what you wrote your mom, having her jaw wired shut for months seems like it will be a blessing ;-)

I have some questions to clarify your situation:

Your mom has DPoA over your dad, correct? The most recently signed (and legally validated by notorization) DPoA is the one that has authority, whether or not your mom filed for divorce, as long as she is in her "right mind".

Are you and your brother listed as well on your dad's PoA, but as a back-ups? This is unclear.

Who has DPoA for your mom?

Has your mom named your brother on a HIPAA release (so that he can get + give info to your mom's doctor)?

Has you mom ever been officially tested for cognitive levels by her doctor? If you brother has the medical release for your mom he may be able to covertly request your mom's doc to perform a cognitive test.

Since your brother has a "better" relationship to your mom, he needs to be encouraged to ask your mom how she wants herself and your dad cared for while she's in recovery if he's not going to do it. You can't do it because you are 600 miles away. And you shouldn't do it since she is abusive and an ingrate. Ask her that care question and see what she says. Her options are for Medicare to provide some in-home help for the both of them. Or, if they have financial means, to hire a service, like Visiting Angels. If they are on Medicaid, she will need to talk to their caseworker for answers.

Soon there will be many others commenting on how you should not be in the middle of this dumpster fire situation because of how your mother treats you. It is an appropriate boundary to help them figure out how they will get proper care, but not for you to fight over control and force them to accept your intercession. I realize you love your parents, but it appears you need some healthy perspective on relationships. You can't force your brother and his family to participate in this circus. He has apparently figured out what you have yet to see: boundaries. Also, he may just not have the personality (or inclination) to deal with this level of stress and dysfunction. Not his fault. Wishing your clarity and peace in your heart. Good luck!