I too, have lost people that I considered very special to me. I would be there always for them but they never seemed to be there for me when I needed it.
But in time I realized the friends that I had lost were just one sided friends. meaning they meant much more to me than I did to them. I consider a friend a person who cares for you thru thick and thin. a friend who is there to support you thru the negative issues in life. Stands by your side always. I realized that is not what I had in certain friends. when my mom was alive she use to say a good friend, a true friend, is hard to find in life, most friends she called convenient friends. four sisters, two older and two younger not one helped in any way shape or form taking care of my parents, not even a call. in being the only caregiver for both my parents at the same time I realized that not only were they my loving parents but they also were my best friends.
I got used to having no friends when I took-in my nephew years ago. (He has autism & I found out that: caring for him=nobody would socialize with us). My neighbors kids ignored him, classmates too. I found activities that would let him join, but it would only last a few weeks. We hung in there, & 8 years later he was able to work a simple job, cook his meals, & speak quite well. He went back to live with his dad after that, & all seems well today.
No, it’s not you. Caring for husband with early onset. Find some friends socializing with us through all stages and always there, and some we might see once a year (with no check ins inbetween) or never hear from. I am also not reaching out to those folks at this point, but I guess I feel they know the situation and if they wanted to be involved with us, they would.
My ex-husband is his parents' caregiver. I've always been interested in the details of his life, before, during, and since the divorce. But ex has a long history of not initiating communication and not responding when I initiate. It seems (to use a mild term) that he doesn't want to be friends with me and that he hasn't for a long time.
Edited to add: I think my ex used the caregiving as an excuse for dropping relationships. "Please don't expect me to talk to you! I'm taking care of my parents." I don't think this is typical for caregivers, but in his situation, I think it's true.
Stop and think about it. Who wants to hear about caregiving? As we become more and more involved with the care of a loved one, we have less time for other interests and even our friends. Most of our friends have no idea what it's like even if we tell them. And eventually they navigate towards more upbeat friendships. Sad but true. Can you blame them?
Life changes in so many ways, and this is but one. I find that these days a lot of my "friends" are online, kind of like the new young generation, and I get to bang away on the keys when we have time. For me it isn't even in home care giving, as my bro is in another city in assisted living, and I am only managing bills and his trust for him. But I find that alone is daunting. When he was hit with a dx of early Lewy's Dementia (probable) and a benign longstanding brain tumor that presses on his medulla, messing up his balance I thought at first that my life was so completely changed that I would never again be happy or have thoughts free of this devastating thing. He has been through my life (we are 77 and 85--he is the OLD one) my best friend, so while he is still there, that relationship is changed. For other things I have not the time or interest as much. Even things I used to do alone. Lots of museums and arts. I have become I guess "she talks about nothing but THAT" kind of person. So it changes things. I bet for each of us the changes are unique. People can drop away a bit because they really don't know what to say, as well. As when we are ourselves ill; it can change some relationships and really bond others.
Yes, I feel it is part of the process,, we have different needs and days,, sort of like if one of your friends had kids first, or you did..and then you sort of run out of common ground, so to speak. I was very lucky that my two best friends had been/are going through the same things.. maybe its an age thing we all arrived at the same place at the same time? It is sad and hard, but I have made other friends along the way.. who get where I am at, and another friend who is just beginning this awful ride, and I will be there for her.. We try to go out for even a quick coffee. or visit at each others homes ( I take my mom to a friends home, and she "visits" her husband who has LBD.
I have lost friends as well. Some distanced themselves because of my limited availability. But I think any sort of trial we go through tests which friendships are genuine. And I'm finding new friends, fellow caregivers who understand what it's like.
Yes. We used to have a big group of friends that we socialized with. We were on a bowling team and also a Bocce team together. We had many wonderful times with them, even traveling with them. Then, my husband had a stroke and became more and more disabled. He kept trying to participate in the bowling and Bocce. One Saturday I was sitting and chatting with one of the ladies and when it was my husband’s turn to bowl, I overheard one of the other people make a very rude remark about my husband’s bowling. Something to the effect of “——— is up. Here comes two gutter balls.” I was devastated and so embarrassed for my poor husband. I didn’t want to say anything to him but I had to because I never wanted to see these people again. And we never have.
Mikuhatsune01, oh yes, that happened to me. The calls from friends slowly got further and further apart because I could no longer commit to doing things with them. And, whenever the friends did call, all I could talk about were my parents, this, that, and everything else.... [sigh]. My friends couldn't relate. And I don't blame them.
Even after my parents had passed, too many years passed to try to rekindle those friendships.
But I did make a new friend, we did volunteer work together on the same day and time, and she was dealing with very elderly in-laws. So it was like a free talk therapy session every Saturday for us :)
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I would be there always for them but they never seemed to be there for me when I needed it.
But in time I realized the friends that I had lost were just one sided friends. meaning they meant much more to me than I did to them.
I consider a friend a person who cares for you thru thick and thin. a friend who is there to support you thru the negative issues in life.
Stands by your side always.
I realized that is not what I had in certain friends. when my mom was alive she use to say a good friend, a true friend, is hard to find in life, most friends she called convenient friends.
four sisters, two older and two younger not one helped in any way shape or form taking care of my parents, not even a call.
in being the only caregiver for both my parents at the same time
I realized that not only were they my loving parents but they also were my best friends.
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Edited to add: I think my ex used the caregiving as an excuse for dropping relationships. "Please don't expect me to talk to you! I'm taking care of my parents." I don't think this is typical for caregivers, but in his situation, I think it's true.
Stop and think about it. Who wants to hear about caregiving? As we become more and more involved with the care of a loved one, we have less time for other interests and even our friends. Most of our friends have no idea what it's like even if we tell them. And eventually they navigate towards more upbeat friendships. Sad but true. Can you blame them?
For me it isn't even in home care giving, as my bro is in another city in assisted living, and I am only managing bills and his trust for him. But I find that alone is daunting. When he was hit with a dx of early Lewy's Dementia (probable) and a benign longstanding brain tumor that presses on his medulla, messing up his balance I thought at first that my life was so completely changed that I would never again be happy or have thoughts free of this devastating thing. He has been through my life (we are 77 and 85--he is the OLD one) my best friend, so while he is still there, that relationship is changed. For other things I have not the time or interest as much. Even things I used to do alone. Lots of museums and arts. I have become I guess "she talks about nothing but THAT" kind of person.
So it changes things. I bet for each of us the changes are unique. People can drop away a bit because they really don't know what to say, as well. As when we are ourselves ill; it can change some relationships and really bond others.
Even after my parents had passed, too many years passed to try to rekindle those friendships.
But I did make a new friend, we did volunteer work together on the same day and time, and she was dealing with very elderly in-laws. So it was like a free talk therapy session every Saturday for us :)