Both parent's have been under my care for roughly 7 yrs. Each yr it has gotten more an more responsibility an stress. I'm married and back then sons were 15 an 9. So alot of my time was taken caring for parent's. Both 84 now. Neither have driven for 7 yrs. I do pretty much everything at this point. My older sister moved away at 19. So she has never really had to really be caregiver. I've got caregiver burnout extreme. See psychiatrist. I cannot work a normal job last 7 yrs due to caregiving. And all the stress of two families to care for. Now parents running out of money and Dad is bad. Home Health is stopping diabetic shots for both in home (insulin) and its 3x a day for both. Mom can do her own but no way Dad can and Mom would have very hard time getting him up an we are having to go to dial Lantus an Novalog pens (more expensive) now since she couldnt draw up from vials. Dad has INR checks to that home health was doing. Now all that stops Sept 20th. Also we hired a caregiver M-F 9-1pm back in Nov. Thats 1,400$ a month. We are gonna have to let her go. Too much now. It gave me a break at least from laundry an cleaning.
I'm having my own health issues with back pain an hip pain an depression an anxiety an Fibromyalgia is worse. And ADD so it is a struggle now. I do everything. Load pills for both. Go get rx's take to appointments. Get groceries. Keep tract of med history an updated lists for ER or Dr's. Make sure they don't run out of meds. Now will have to help Mom with laundry and cleaning, trash, beds chg, chg Dad depends or help him. I cant give him bath anymore. He is 230lbs an Im 5'3 an 122lbs an my back probs. I have medical knowledge having worked in surgery as a surgical assistant and as materials manager for surgery ordering supplies for heart, neuro an ortho teams. And went to LVN school for 7 mths but quit cause I hated the paperwork an not focus on pt! So now I will be doing everything and Dad is non-compliant big time. We dont get along anymore. He views me as drill sergeant but I'm only following Dr orders for him an keeping him out of hospital or a nursing home crap hole.
I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting him. He and Mom argue about him drinking 70 oz of water with Congestive heart failure instead of Dr order of 34 oz per 24 hrs. Constantly ransacking kitchen in middle of night. Has severe sleep apnea but would never address it nor wear cpap. So now he has severe sleep deprivation. Gets mean, irritated, sleeps all time almost an only really " awake" at 1am- 5am. But shots are during day so sometimes he won't even get up for nurses rt now (nurses will stop coming Sept 20th due to Medicare not covering these shots)an gets the sugar taken an insulin shots in bed! He has gotten worse. He is at Palliative care level now. His Pulmonologist suggested it. Dad is miserable now. All these restrictions an arguing with us. We are miserable. Dr said just leave him alone an let him do what he wants but point out that these actions will lead to his death faster or some kind of care. He has fear of nursing homes. His Mother was in one fr 50 till her death fr R.A. an I hate them. So they are in a apartment rt now for handicapp. But now running out of money, I cant take care of them anymore an need to make money for my own family. We r goin broke. Still 16 yr old at home. No room for my parents at our little house. So they may have to move in with my sister. She isnt that close to them or know everything wrong with them or taken them ever to a dr appointment. Not really her fault. I've been designated daughter. I have ADD an its startin to freak me out. How does one start coordinating moving them. All they have is in apartment an a storage unit. Banking, new Drs ( moving to smaller town so not a big choice)transfer m.p.o.a.. call everybody(S.S.an medicare etc) about new address etc...endless! And my sister wants me to do it all and cordinate it all so she doesn't take off work during transition. I would be driving there alot. Who could help me coordinate?
4 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
It doesn't sound like your sister is going to be able to do the caregiving, so moving them to her house doesn't make sense.
If you live 1 hr and 20 mins away and have to get a job to take care of your family, then the caregiver can't be you.
What does your psychiatrist say? Does he just prescribe meds, and are you also seeing a therapist. This is exactly the type of help you should be getting to help you figure out what needs to be done.
ADVERTISEMENT
You stated your parents are running out of money. This is this starting point of all decisions moving forward.
1) You or your sister are NOT to take on the expense (let alone the actual care) of your parents. Your first obligation is to your immediate family (husband, children NOT your parents). What is the point of everyone else going broke and getting sick? So that everyone will need to have assistance? This is an unrealistic, selfish expectation from your dad. Again, DO NOT DO IT.
2) Without telling your parents, find a good, local facility for them. Find them a senior facility that has everything including memory care and hospice and that accepts Medicaid so they will never need to be upended again.
3) If your sis isn't on board with this plan, then SHE will become their caretaker and both of you will be forced to become their financiers. Whether or not sis is on board, inform parents and sis that as of XX date you will no longer be providing care or covering costs for parents. They will be angry, but there's no other options. It is no longer a matter of what they want but what is realistic, what is actually do-able. They cannot stay in their home, you/your family cannot take care of/pay for them. Don't argue this point with him anymore. Then you need to execute the rest of the plan.
3) Once parents are in a good place help them apply for Medicaid. They cannot be kicked out for being on Medicaid. They will get the same quality of care.
I'm hoping you have durable PoA for your parents. If not, this needs to happen asap. If they won't give it to you, post again for further advice.
My MIL is in LTC in a very nice facility on Medicaid. She gets great care. You will need to put aside your ingrained notions of terrible NHs and visit some good ones. They exist.
I thought about whether you could get in-home care but your parents don't have the money for good, private care. You could get them assessed by the county, which could provide some services but your parents may be beyond what they are able to provide. Plus your parents may reject this also. So why not be proactive? The sooner this is solved the better for everyone.
But I'm not kidding when I say there are no other options, except one: you get so sick (and BROKE!) you can't take care of them, then they get foisted onto your sister and she goes broke (and maybe SICK), THEN in a crisis you will be forced to do steps 1, 2 and 3 anyway but it will be so much harder. Moving your parents does not mean you don't love them. Just the opposite. You love them enough to get the best care for them even when they can't seem to see it's the only solution.
Getting them to actually move is another issue, but there are ways. Again, check back on this forum for help with that. Wishing you peace in your heart!
I'll just say this:
"He has fear of nursing homes."
So you and your sister are going to kill yourselves taking care of him?
He needs to be in a facility, with all of his medical issues.