How often is a reasonable amount of time to go visit my mother in her nursing home, and for how long?

Julie, hon, there is no way we can answer this for oyu. It is a matter of how much time you have, whether your visits seem to HELP Mom or to make her more upset, and etc. If the visit you are on is upsetting to your Mom then you will want to cut it short. If it helps, that is great. So many variable you just have to walk through second by second. Wishing you good well.

There are lots of issues. How long has your mother been in the NH? They often advise ‘no visits’ for two or three weeks, so that a new resident will look around themselves, rather than just wait for the next visit. Does your mother have any other visitors, or are you the only one? Is she coming out of her room, making contacts with other residents or the staff? Do the staff say that she is settling in? It’s quite common for there to be ‘misery’ to family, that starts when they arrive and ends when they leave.

How busy is your daughter? Would she have to stay all the time to take you home? Is a taxi (even one way) affordable? Your choice shouldn’t create a frequent burden for a busy daughter with a job and family.

How do your visits go? Do you enjoy them? Does she? Many people on this site have difficult relationships, and when things get toxic they have to leave early and cut back visits. And are you finding other things to enjoy yourself, now that you can have more time and opportunities. For the sake of both you and your daughter, make sure that have your own interests for your future life.

You leave by saying at the start ‘I have only x time’ or ‘I have to leave at x o’clock’, and doing it. Just don’t let it seem like ‘I’m getting bored’ - you need a plan with a reason, so it’s not a ‘desertion’.

It depends on a lot of things. Like CWillie, I used to visit my mom a lot but I am an only child and she had no other visitors. I didn’t stay long, though; 1/2 to 1 hour at most. If she was in a cranky mood, less than that. If your daughter is rearranging her schedule to drive you, you might want to plan to go on a day when you can have lunch with her, or like I did, on a day when there was an activity such as bingo or a program because at least for me, sitting in her room with not much to talk about was pretty boring. Also, warn your daughter that in the case Grandma is in a bad mood, the visit will be short, and take your daughter to lunch for her trouble.

How often did you visit her before the nursing home and throughout your life? Through the years I saw my mom pretty much every week and when she became frail I became her live in caregiver, so of course I wanted to be with her often and visited daily, usually staying to help over the lunch or dinner hour. If your relationship was different then I don't think you should feel obligated to spend that amount of time together - once or twice a week is still more than most people commit to.