I wonder sometimes if the things my mom with ALZ says are feelings she has had for years but now she can't keep them to herself.

When we are close to family members we know their vulnerabilities.
Think about it. When you fight with hubby or kids you use NOT what you really BELIEVE. You use what you KNOW will HURT them most.
I once heard the kindest woman I worked with, who loved her sons more than anything and thought each one was perfect, say to the son who hated how much taller his younger brother was, in a moment of exteme frustration "Listen HERE, Shortstop............!" She says she never got over the look on his face, and it wasn't even something she even thought or believed, but she knew it would hurt him. (He's the tallest in the family now!)
If you are pulling out the nasty guns, that's how it works. So it isn't that SHE thinks you are a big muckity muck--it is rather that she thinks saying that to you will hurt you. And hurting you is what it is about at that second. Why? Because she is losing EVERYTHING, including her own power to have ANY control or ANY choice. And there is no upside in all this. This is a long slow slide into oblivion. And she is ANGRY about that. She won't always want to "go gently into this good night". So when she fights, she will bring out the big guns, the ones she believes will land a blow. It isn't that SHE believes it; but she believes it will hurt you. It is "war" pure and simple.
They get angry. They get depressed. They get desperate and they are desperate to be HEARD.
And, hon, I guess you HEARD THAT, right? Oh, my... oh my. A Wilson from Tignall. It doesn't get worse!
Try to see the humor in it, when you are able. I am so sorry. Wish I could give you a hug, because if I know anything, it's that you are NOT one of those "Wilsons from Tignall"!
Hee hee.

My mother told my sister she should have let her die when she was born. No, I don't think they mean what they sometimes say. I also think they would be horrified if they knew. Bless you for caring for her, many are unable to do it.

I have had this exact thought! MIL blurted out, when she was picking a fight, "Oh yes, you come from a broken home, you LOVE drama!" . . . . and all I could think was, this is the first I've heard this thought. Has she disliked me because my parents divorced when I was in grade school? Has she had that in the back of her mind all this time (32 years)? Wow.

It really is hard, when something like this or what your mom said comes out, it's so hard not to think there is a kernel of truth at the very core of it. It just doesn't seem like it came from nothing, you know?

[[[hugs}}} Kelly, it has to be so much worse when it's your own mom :(

My mom skipped this part of dementia, she went from fully capable to end stage seemingly overnight. What I see in common though is the feeling that we no longer recognize this stranger in our care - I analyzed my whole life trying to fit this self centred, needy person into the picture and began to doubt everything I though I knew or remembered about her. I'm sorry you are going through that.

I think that people lash out when the are under stress in much the same way that a pet will bite it's owner when afraid or hurt. None of us live in a vacuum so we ALL have learned the words and actions that can wound others, we even think about them when we are angry or feeling under pressure - that just means we are human. When our brains are functioning our better self recognizes these impulses as being temporary, cruel and destructive and we don't act on them, with dementia all the filters erode and every nasty thought and action that comes into our head can come out.

I agree, I think their filter get's clogged or shut off but my guess is this isn't something your mom has always thought about you, it isn't even about you just aimed that way because your the one there (and "safe"), I think she is probably expressing her frustration with her own current circumstance and she's longing for the time when she was active and more youthful. Yes in a way jealous of all the people around her who are driving their own cars and keeping their own houses, she resents not having that "life" anymore and you just happened to be the one in her way and the focus of her attention. Not about you more about her I guess. Her instinct is to kick and scream, fight it rather than accept and adapt, I don't know what stage is worse honestly, kicking and screaming or giving up... Still not easy for you, her or anyone around you my heart goes out to everyone living through this disease.

Yes. My mother and I have had an antagonistic relationship for decades but of course never spoke the words or conveyed the dislike as much. She can be quite nasty, and does what she wants...i.e. she "trimmed" a beautiful plant I had in a pot; she destroyed $30 worth of plantings in a window box; she is a meddling witch and always has been. Her favorite expressions are "you can leave" or if you don't like it you can move out. Without me around the whole game would be over and she'd be in a nursing home.

I do feel like things they say are their underlying feelings without filter.  My mom said to me she thought I always looked down my nose at her and thought I was better than her.  My mom is a very jealous person and always said to me when I was growing up "why should you get to do that...I never got to do that" or "why should you have that...I never had that".  She also told met that she never wanted to have children and that I was her punishment from my dad so that she couldn't leave.  When she said that to me, it then made sense as to why she treated me the way she did.  I have to tell you that she knew she was not a good mother to me and out of the blue she apologized to me for it.  I will never forget it...I had taken her to lunch and she had just gotten her hot tea and she said "I know I wasn't a good mother to you and I am sorry".  I was so shocked that I just nodded and changed the subject.  I cried later that night because that was validation for my sadness over my childhood.  I think after I had my daughter and she saw that you can have unconditional love for someone and want the best for them and have a real relationship... I think it enlightened her and she was a good grandma to my daughter and treated her the way I wished she had treated me.  I was very grateful for her love of my daughter.  Sorry I didn't mean to go on and on about my own situation, but I agree with you that sometimes their actions in this demented state are nuances of their real feelings. I hope you are able to find some bit of humor in her comments. I wish you well on this crazy crazy journey we are all on ....

My grandmother lived to be 95 and was still living alone and driving.  She had been in very good health until the very end.  Unlike her daughter (my mother) who was diagnosed with dementia inher 60's.  My mom is now 79 and grandma died last November so I had to drive mom to TN for the funeral.  I don't think my mom really realized that grandma had died.  She basically had no emotion about it at all and just kept saying she wanted to go home.  I am sure all of you are familiar with that...they don't like being out of their everyday routine.  Well on the drive home from TN, we hit road construction and had to take a detour.  Mom kept looking around and said she didn't recognize anything and that I did not know where I was going.  I said mom it's a detour so I wouldn't expect it to look familiar.  I could see her staring at me out of the corner of my eye and then she said...."you're out here driving around like you've got all the time and money in the world".  I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants!  Many times dealing with moms dementia is sad and scary and exhausting and endless and every once in a while there is a funny and I have to take it and run with it! LOL

When my mom came out with 'your father is such a bastard ... he didn't even go to his own brother's funeral' out of the blue when we were driving, I answered 'yes he did & you went too ... the reason I know is that I was there also,  not only that you did a reading during the funeral mass.'

A light bulb when on over my head because I finally realized how she was getting these ideas & it is what I call the Chinese menu memory - something from column A, something from column B, etc - my mom had taken bits of several memories & woven them together in a new but false one that she believed to the nth degree - once I told that I was a witness she seemed to realize what the real memory was & forgot about it all

She had a few times like that but when nobody could disprove them then she would start embellishing them as bigger & bigger - one was my uncle gave her a friendly tap on the knee so in April it was the mark was there for an hour by August it was black & blue for 2 weeks & she was about to miscarry [8 months] because of it

So when your mom says mean things it is not a real memory she is building on - your car is fancy for 1980's eyes, your home is great for someone who struggled when first married, you may have done something she wished she had done & at the time thought 'I wish I was able to have done that' with a small amount of envy but now it is jealousy of parts of your life she never did due to lack of education, money, courage etc.

You have no way of knowing if it is a real emotion of jealousy or a fabricated one so when dealing with a LO with dementia err on the side of 'false memory' especially if it is out of the blue - she could also be mixing you up with someone else [do you look like her sister/aunt?] that she had a strained relationship with so then she transfers that to you -

When you give a child a treat for being good is it a 'bribe' or a 'reward'? .... depends on the person's attitude who sees it but the kid still got a treat whatever you call it & so it is with dementia it can all be in the person's perception of a small thing can colour how they react

I used to think that too. Let me me tell you coming from 9 years of experience, you have to let thoughts like that go! It is the disease! Think of her like a child who doesn't know any better and blurts out stupid words. Your mother because of her disease, has lost the ability to reason. She is not the mother you know and love, that mother is gone and she will not be coming back and she will not get better! I am so sorry that you are in the situation that you are in but, that type of thinking harbors resentment towards your mother. Who really cares, what your mother says? Don't correct her or argue with, just let it roll off your back. If she says inappropriate things around friends or family or stranger's, just simply say it's her disease, they will understand and if they don't F them! I know it's hard, I still find myself slightly horrified by some of the things that come out of my mother's mouth. I will get up go hug her and tell her I love you mom, it stops my mother in her tracks! This does get get easier if you can find the humor in what she says and laugh it off. Keep telling her you love her and you are on her side no matter what she says. leave little postit notes on her chair, her pillow on the bathroom mirror, reminding her every day how much you love her, I am telling you it works.