Ha. I always say the best place for any family is 1,000 miles away, and that is coming from a very loving and sweet family. I am with you, in a sense. I don't have the mental courage it takes to take on the care of a loved one 24/7. I would not have had when I was younger, either. I cannot imagine how those who do this are able to continue and keep sanity. I have seen such courage on this site. But I have seen tragedy as well, people driven almost literally mad. You posted under burnout. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I cannot imagine.
Thank you, just frustrated and venting after missing a day of work to spend in the ER chasing "ghosts" with my psycho mother. I am very sorry I moved back to the town I grew up in, just to end up with two parents who became unable to care for themselves while only in their 70s. I never saw this coming, never expected they would become such a mess while only in their early 70s. It's too late for me to leave now. If my mom lives as long as her mom did, I've got 18 more years "on duty" at the whims of a horrible old hag.
Many here want to be the white knight who comes riding in on a white horse, to do everything to care for their parent(s), and it results in the caretaker completely losing themselves, ending up in that black hole.
My mother is an alcoholic, a real must miss, I live 700 miles from her, that is even not far enough. She refuses home care, she refuses AL, she says No to everything. So now I sit and wait for the rubber band to break, then my brother and I will do what we have to do. Her choice, her consequences.
If you aren't a caregiver, you just don't understand. I was venting to a cousin who I'm very close to (who luckily lives 1000 miles away, I live down the hall from my mother) and realized she was the wrong person to vent to. To her my mother is a savior, a model of what a mother should be compared to her mother (my mom's sister). When our grandmother was in a nursing home she said "I did a few things for her and I'll always be glad I did. You will too". Really? A FEW things? You mean, you lived your life and when it was convenient you would drop by and visit for an hour, maybe take her a magazine or cookies.
I could type and type for HOURS but I'll end this with the statement I make to my children every single day "you will NEVER have to go through this with me. When YOU think the time is right, put wherever there is an available Medicaid bed. All I ask for is decent WiFi, a working iPad full of my currently unread books, and my foam pillow". They don't have to bring me home for holidays, they don't have to visit, they don't even have to CALL me. All they have to do is lead happy, healthy, productive lives and I'll be satisfied.
Yeah, I live 4 houses down from my mother. Not my choice. My parents lived across town (at least) but decided to move down the street from me and my husband, in 2004. I had some reservations but I thought we would be OK. Boy was I wrong! They dropped so much drama onto me, and it's been a horrible experience. They have hijacked my middle-age years. Before I know it, the time will have passed for me to do a lot of the things I thought I was working toward all of the prior decades.
Thanks all. This was just a rant that I should have posted under the "whine moment" thread but I am so sour about this whole mess that I wanted to grab the spotlight :)
So, when I first joined this forum, I believe in 2012-2013 sometime, there was a man on here who was so negative and snarky that I was shocked. I think I even zinged him a message letting him know I disapproved of his comments. Now, I find that I am the snarky poster as I realize there is absolutely no good outcome from all of this, any of it, dealing with an aging parent/person.
I now only read the title to this forum as "Aging". For me, the "Care" is gone, as I continue to be saddled with the responsibility of two shells of people that were formerly my parents (both Benzo addicts and alcohol abusers) into an unknown future without a visible finish line.
Thanks for listening (reading) my rants. It's helping keep me sane.
Ditto - about the "snarky" behavior. The constant demand of caregiving means sacrifice - life as I once knew it, is a distant memory. I love my family and I don't regret my choice to care for them. I do regret and even detest what it's doing to me. God help us.
I don't blame you . No one understands unless there a caregiver themselves . It's a thankless work, unpaid... then when you complain people will tell you that you don't care about your loved one... Like really?? If there so good, why don't they come up and help? I love my mom, she's 80, but I honestly don't think I can live with her anymore. I barely have kept my shit together all these years and I'm 27 . My anxiety and depression have gotten so bad, that I finally had to go on meds for it, so I can go day to day without having a mental breakdown . After finding this site, and other groups on facebook, I don't feel like I'm losing my mind anymore .
Caregivers don't get a lot of support . It's too much, caring for someone 24/7 . I did it for years with mom. Driving her to the doctors, restaurants, helping her with her meds, repeat, for a while I did, and didn't work, then finally I had to get a job, and I was still helping mom, then last year her back surgery was the breaking point . You really don't realize till it's done and over with, of how much of your life you put on hold, to take care of your parents, grandparents, or anyone else in the family, with hardly any support .
I know what you mean and it's not that far off, imo. You really do have to be able to set some boundaries that you will adhere to. Others may not respect or acknowledge your boundaries, so, you must insist. I've learned just how stressful and all encompassing it can be. I intend to make other arrangements pretty soon and regain my life. I won't go too far though. I think one county away is sufficient. lol
Upstream, early on it was great having my parents literary just around the corner, Dad knew how to fix anything so my house was always in top shape.... but as soon as my parents stop driving that is when the earth opened up and I was swallowed in.
I was also an only child, and have been following your posts over those past five years. It is always one thing after another.
The standing joke among my cousins was to say, "where will you move next, Europe?" Because I kept moving away and my parents would keep following me.....to be near their only grandchild, they'd say. I'm an only child, at 62, and unfortunately, never DID move to Europe. Mother has been living near me, again, since 2011 and is now in memory care and still going strong at almost 93. She may, in fact, outlive me and my husband. I've had to move her SIX times since 2011 and she never stops complaining to give me one minute of peace. It's incredibly draining and exhausting, the whole mess. I hear you loud and clear, my friend
That's good advice for this community - as most parents who become difficult to care for and end up being a burden on their kids - it's not so much the physical aspect of caring, it's the emotional burden because of so many difficult behaviours and psychological problems that the aging person has not dealt with or not treated for. These types of issues can not be improved by better caring by a long suffering child. Instead, most of these people need professional assistance in a residential facility where the burden of their psychological problems can be shared across many health professionals and carers.
Yes! My parents have inflicted alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, depression/anxiety and ultimately dementia onto me. It's really too much for one middle-aged woman to keep two elders contained & safe under these circumstances. My mom has been in a mental health facility four times in the past year but there has been no improvement. I am just stuck.
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My mother is an alcoholic, a real must miss, I live 700 miles from her, that is even not far enough. She refuses home care, she refuses AL, she says No to everything. So now I sit and wait for the rubber band to break, then my brother and I will do what we have to do. Her choice, her consequences.
Rant away, we get it!
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I could type and type for HOURS but I'll end this with the statement I make to my children every single day "you will NEVER have to go through this with me. When YOU think the time is right, put wherever there is an available Medicaid bed. All I ask for is decent WiFi, a working iPad full of my currently unread books, and my foam pillow". They don't have to bring me home for holidays, they don't have to visit, they don't even have to CALL me. All they have to do is lead happy, healthy, productive lives and I'll be satisfied.
So, when I first joined this forum, I believe in 2012-2013 sometime, there was a man on here who was so negative and snarky that I was shocked. I think I even zinged him a message letting him know I disapproved of his comments. Now, I find that I am the snarky poster as I realize there is absolutely no good outcome from all of this, any of it, dealing with an aging parent/person.
I now only read the title to this forum as "Aging". For me, the "Care" is gone, as I continue to be saddled with the responsibility of two shells of people that were formerly my parents (both Benzo addicts and alcohol abusers) into an unknown future without a visible finish line.
Thanks for listening (reading) my rants. It's helping keep me sane.
Caregivers don't get a lot of support . It's too much, caring for someone 24/7 . I did it for years with mom. Driving her to the doctors, restaurants, helping her with her meds, repeat, for a while I did, and didn't work, then finally I had to get a job, and I was still helping mom, then last year her back surgery was the breaking point . You really don't realize till it's done and over with, of how much of your life you put on hold, to take care of your parents, grandparents, or anyone else in the family, with hardly any support .
I was also an only child, and have been following your posts over those past five years. It is always one thing after another.
We can always hope that the state decides to put her in a facility to protect others😉
You are a trooper. I pray that you find a way to not be so tied to her.
I hear you loud and clear, my friend