Should I rebuild home for 90y.o. Mum with dementia?

NO! Spend Moms money and then get her onto Medicaid in LTC. She will not get better. You are too set in your ways to care for her. Change is not good for her either. You haven't lived with her since 15 for a reason.

Was it Nancy Reagan who labeled alzheimers as the Long Goodbye? I think so. Three family members have had it and none moved in with us (mother brother cousin) They did not live long enough to outlive their funds amazingly, close but not quite. Mom was in assisted until she wandered about the facility. Brother tried to leave the first day, found on highway and immediately placed in memory unit.
"Combative" is a polite way to say you will not recognize your mom, it is as though she is gone and another person has replaced her. Angry, not sleeping, fighting you on everything from food to dressing and bathing.  Ahmijoy described the future very well. Please stay with the facility, visit her, be her advocate and file for Medicaid with the help of the facility or county. All the best to you.

When she has spent all of her money then you can apply for public assistance for her.

You would regret moving her in, your life would no longer be your own, you would need to have 24/7 caregivers and that is more expensive than a facility. That is my opinion in a nutshell.

I didn't even last 1 day before I knew that my dad couldn't live in my home, no matter what. I wasn't giving up my life so he didn't have to do things he didn't want to.

Hello, Larry. Welcome to our forum. Your mother has reached a ripe, old age. I doubt if she got there by being weak and dependent. And now she has dementia, or what we used to call senility or “hardening of the arteries”.

Please understand that if you do decide to remodel your home for her and she comes to live with you, you will not be able to put “restrictions “ on her. People with dementia cannot follow rules very well. If she has a penchant for wandering off, simply telling her not to will not stop her. She will need 24/7 protection to stop her—a live in “sitter” or two, door alarms, etc. She will also not stay away from your stove and you will need to install child proof “locks” on the controls or a door on the kitchen that can be closed and locked. You will not be able to restrict her from doing anything. She will be a part of your entire life until she passes. You will be giving up your privacy, your freedom and your social life. If you go out without her, you will need a sitter. Because of this, you may come to resent her. In the end, you may decide she needs to go to a facility anyway.

Living with a person you have not since the age of 15, who has a predisposition for becoming angry and perhaps combative and who will bring with her a whole host of issues and needs far surpasses your current living methods and showing women the door when the relationship no longer suits you or taking care of kittens who are independent and tiny. Are you prepared to face the fact that your mother may, at some point, become incontinent and you will need to change her? Or that you may have to bathe her? Feed her? Dementia is an awful disease and there is no reverse gear. If you live in the USA, you may want to explore Medicaid.

Welcome, Larry! I like your concise and self-aware description of yourself and your preferred lifestyle -- good for you for knowing yourself and your foibles!

I vote no on moving your poor mom in with you. Living with a demented person with an angry streak does not seem sustainable. You sound like a loving son -- would you be jeopardizing your relationship with her by trying to live under the same roof with her?