How do I get someone to understand that someone with dementia can’t do things they used to love?

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jbyrne Asked September 2019

How do I get someone to understand that someone with dementia can’t do things they used to love?

How do I get my Mother’s twin sister to understand that her sister can’t do things she used to love to do. My Mother used to write to her sister all the time (sister lives in California) and we live in Canada. My Aunt doesn’t seem to believe me that my mother has no capability to write anymore. My Mother at times thinks I’m her sister, so when I say would you like to write a letter she wonders why would I do that when you are here? I know the fact that my Mother is not writing back to her sister upsets my Aunt, but I’m tired of trying to explain the same thing over again all the time.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Behavior Change Dementia Behaviors

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I think it's impossible to make someone understand the magnitude of dementia if they have no exposure to it. Has your aunt spoken to her sister on the phone? Because, when I speak to my demented mother on the phone during one of her not-so-lucid-times, I truly feel like I've jumped down the rabbit hole, leaving the conversation scratching my head. And I've SEEN her for the past 8 years, declining, slowly, on a weekly basis. It still mystifies me, frankly, regardless of how exposed I've been to her. I work in a Memory Care community as a front desk receptionist and the residents STILL blow my mind on a daily basis!! You may want to tell your Aunt to read up on the subject online or by purchasing a book on the subject of dementia, in order to learn a bit more.

I agree with Geaton........it is a distinct possibility that your aunt is ALSO going down the same dementia road your mom is on since she cannot comprehend what you keep telling her.

Best of luck!

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Its so hard for people to understand what they have never had to deal with. In Moms early stage I had to write her checks. She signed them but after a while I signed them as POA. Her handwriting was unreadable. The brain controls everything and when it starts dying we start losing abilities. Does ur Mom have arthritis in her hands, even a little. Tell her sister its become so bad Mom can't write anymore. A little white lie. If your Aunt is up there in age, she may have some age related decline. Do u have a cousin near her who can explain how Dementia works and why her twin can no longer do certain tasks?

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I have 2 cousins, one of them live with my Aunt. I think they have tried to explain it to her but she really just doesn’t get it. I write to my Aunt and try to explain but I always feel like my words are coming across as rude because I’m being honest about the situation. I feel bad for my Aunt because she desperately wants to be in contact with her sister. She lives far away and wouldn’t come to visit because she doesn’t like to fly and she also has physical health problems. My husband suggested video taping my mother and sending that to my Aunt.

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Can you call your aunt and have your mom talk to her directly? When your aunt has a strange conversation with sister, your aunt might then start to understand. Also, if you're not with your aunt on a daily basis, how to you know she isn't slipping into early dementia herself? I'm so sorry for your sorrow...may you find a solution and have peace in your heart.

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I have called my Aunt and had my mother talk to her, the conversation was painful to listen to because my mother wasn’t responding to my Aunt. My Aunt wants my Mom to write back to her and I know she can’t do that anymore. I have suggested to my Aunt to call the LTC facility directly to talk to her sister. She may be starting to suffer from dementia as well but my cousins say she is fine. They may be in denial maybe? I will ask them if they have any concerns about her.

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How do I get someone to understand that someone with dementia can’t do things they used to love?

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