How do I cope with my 98 year old mother being cross with me daily when I visit and do everything for her?

Consequences. I remember when one of my teenagers complained that the washed, folded clean clothes I put on their bed was *annoying*. Well.. I still wash whatever is in the laundry basket & hang it but there it stays. What? No underwear angel-heart? Try going outside to the clothes line & look out there. Yes I know it's dark. And raining.

Now a 98yr old Mother.. can't go too far. Can't say "well the food is in the shop if you want it - go buy it".

Yes she may be taking you for granted. She may also be crotchity that she needs the help & can't do it herself. Either way, it would be nicer to be appreciated. You may not be able to change her, but can change your own reactions. Could try biting back? Depends on your preference & style: brutally honest / humour / kindness.

Mum! When did your last slave die? Coz THIS slave is about to either die of nagging or QUIT. So quit the nagging or I will quit!

Well Mrs Bossy, you'll have to get a new servant-girl, I obviously just won't do. Now should we give *golden brother* a call to see if he would do a better job next week?

I know it must be hard when other people help you & they do it different but let's just get all this done & go have a nice *whatever*.

You mentioned that the family pattern predates your mother's illness... so, I think this is a narcissistic family pattern where you are the assigned family slave, black sheep and punching bag, and your brother is the golden child who can do no wrong. This is a horrible pattern and there is actually a link between dementia and narcissism, so I wonder whether this is what is happening for you. The only way out is to back away from the role assigned to you by your mother and do alot of personal reflection on your family of origin. There is so much written on the site about narcissism so I hope it helps pointing you in that direction.

Thank you - so many answers and so good to know i m understood. I don t actually have anything to do with my brother and his wife - not just because of this but a lot of other things too. I d had as much as I could take from his wife several years ago so cut ties - I think the only people I ve ever truly fallen out with in my life! A shame as I have a lovely niece and nephew. I m fortunate to have a patient hubby who calms me down and supports me, a job I love with children and lots of good friends too so life isn t all doom and gloom but it s a daily downer and does wear mw down. Thank you all x

I see nothing wrong with what you said. I once told my mother that she had two sets of rules, one for me, the other for my brother. And, it is true.

She has gotten away with this behavior and that is why it continues, set your boundaries and stick to them. When my mother starts I pick up my purse and leave, no comments no nothing, If she asks me why I left, I tell her, if she starts to put me down or is rude, I will leave, and I do.

I would also back off on your visits and stop being her punching bag. You are doing too much for her, have a talk with your brother, tell him that you can no longer continue to bear the brunt of her care, if he doesn't want to help then he can tell mom that she will have to go into AL. Time to stand up and be counted.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your having told your mother that her constant petty criticisms and expressed dissatisfaction hurt your feelings. It was true, for one thing; you did not trash *her*, only her behaviour towards you, for another; and perhaps it's a case of better late than never. Don't feel awful.

What was her response?

Rosamu, I understand. My mother treated me as if my time wasn't worth anything. I set very strict boundaries on when I would drive her places, because taking her anywhere would take HOURS. She was not happy with me. My brothers were all out of state, of course.

So sorry. There are members that have/are going thru the same thing. You will find there is always a child willing to do that gets the brunt and the Golden child that does nothing and is wonderful. And you will hear that the one who did everything gets nothing in the end.

Boundries need to be set. Illness or age has nothing to do with respect. You have let this go too long and now its going to be hard changing her so u have to change you. You are an adult and despite ur Mom, have done well. Please, don't feel guilty. This is why she has gotten away with her abuse, she can make u feel guilty. I bet ur brother never feels guilty. You have told her how you feel. Good! Now don't go backwards, go forwards. Tell her you are willing to give her a day a week or so many hours a certain day. Thats the day you will shop and run errands. In between she can take advantage of resources in your County. Senior bussing. Meals on wheels. This info can be gotten thru your Office of Aging. If she needs help with her daily stuff, hire an aide. If no money, call Medicaid for an eval and she may get an aide for a few hours a day. Anything else, call your brother. Because, you will no longer put up with her abuse. You are so much more than that. Those days that you do help, when she gets nasty, walk out. Don't visit if u don't want to.

Sigh. Sometimes no good deed goes unpunished. I'm also 60 and my mom is 90 and she lives next door to me. She loves me (her only child) but is often a very negative person and gives me far more criticism than compliments, by far. But I'm a grown woman and I let it roll off my back, change the subject or leave the room. I'm sad for your emotional suffering but you too are a grown woman and can put up boundaries. Are you afraid of her? At 98 she will never improve. If she's in your house, maybe it's time she goes into a care facility so that you can find relief. If you live with her, there's no reason you can't leave and arrange for someone else to be her punching bag. So...which will it be? Nothing changes if nothing changes. I wish you courage to move forward and confidence in yourself.