My husband decided at a meeting with his sisters that his 90 year old would come live with us (a meeting I couldn't attend) I am stressed.

He chose his mother. I am truly sorry. No-one else will change this situation for you. If you want change, it will have to be you. Start planning the rest of your life. Strength to you.

I really don’t think your husband thought this through. I don’t think he thought about it at all. Well no I take that back. My money says he thinks you’ll do all the work! In situations like this, it is hard for the children to think with their heads and not with their hearts. Not exactly the same situation but my SIL almost brought my FIL home to her house when he clearly needed 24-7 skilled care. He had a chest tube, catheter, and a feeding tube and was totally bedbound. She thought Medi-cal would pay for 8 hours of homecare a day while she was at work and that’s as far as she thought it through. She did not stop to think about who would take care of him the remaining 16 hours a day and all weekend. Clearly she was thinking with her heart, not with her head. I think some people just don’t think things through and some people-like me-think things through and then some! Anyway you need to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk. First and foremost he made a huge life changing decision without even talking to you! Tell him what he did and why it’s not OK. I’m telling you, men don’t think and he probably has no idea what he did here so be blunt with him. And then get him to think this through. Ask him who is going to take care of FIL/MIL hands on? Who is going to do the bathing? Who is going to clean up the blowouts? Prepare all the meals & serve them? Who’s going to take him/her to the doctor? Manage the meds? What if you want to go out of town for a few days? Guess what? Now you can’t unless one of your SILs takes over. What if your husband gets sick? Does he then expect you to take care of him and his parent? Bring up the financials too. Will the parent contribute to the household? Do they have the money to pay for a caregiver? Ask your husband if he realizes there will be no more privacy? No spontaneity. Your lives will be taken over by an elderly aging parent. Your lives will revolve around them.

This is a terrible situation and I am so sorry! If my husband pulled something like this, we would absolutely be talking divorce. It would be me or the parent. Can’t have both under the same roof. It would never work and we end up divorced regardless. It is just not OK to make this kind of life altering decision without consulting your spouse. That’s what angers me for you. That he would make such a huge decision and not allow you to have a say in it!!

Somewhere, I would be furious too, but I think the first thing I'd ask him is how HE plans to care for her or him, given his schedule (whatever it is).  Is he still working?    Have you told him yet that you're not available and won't take care of your in-law?  

I'm assuming that you couldn't attend the meeting b/c you weren't invited.  Is that correct?

You can also sweetly inquire how his sisters plan to help, since you won't be as you weren't consulted.   

Is this a pattern with him, making decisions that affect you w/o your participation or consent?  If so, how have you handled it in the past?

I recall a similar situation sometime ago; I believe the woman lived in Florida; the MIL or FIL was brought to their house by the husband, against his wife's will, but she was expected to fit caring into her already busy schedule.

If I recall correctly, some of us here urged her to leave and take a vacation when the situation became difficult, and she did!   So, where would you like to vacation while hubby and his sisters work out the situation?

What???!!! Wait a minute. He made this decision all on his own without even consulting you? Wow. My husband tried to do that to me years ago when he told his parents that when they passed we would take care of his mentally challenged sister. I had an epic anger meltdown and he thought better of it.

Calmly take your husband aside and explain to him that this is not 1900. Women are no longer subservient to their husbands. Why, we can even actually vote now! You and he will discuss this decision, set ground rules and decide on an escape hatch if it doesn’t work out. If he dumps all the caregiving work on you, explain to him that you will then be making arrangements for a facility.

I would be gone before the sun set. I am sorry; I honestly never really heard of anything like that.

So he is prepared to sign the divorce papers and hand all the marital assets over to you, too, then? Because that's what he'll probably be facing by making such a decision without consulting you.

Dear Somewhere, is that your name because you will be *Somewhere Else*?

Please do what you have to, to stay safe & not bullied by your DH & his family. Seek counseling asap.

No wonder you are furious. Your husband has absolutely no clue (or doesn't want to know) what it actually takes to look after a 90 year old. The only thing I would say to him right now is: "Just to be clear, YOU will be caring for her, not me. I will be doing nothing for your mother, just so we're clear". If he is a rational man and has not considered this possibility - it might make him reconsider. If he goes ballistic you know you have a problem and he has a personality disorder of some kind, or as another poster suggested, is living in the 1900's.

I wonder what the discussion at that meeting was like.

Who is paying for the care workers? Her care needs are only going to increase. Does she have the money to pay for a facility?

I am so sorry for you. Your husband is a selfish boor! Please do consider how you will create an independent life from him (separation, divorce).

Take hubby’s credit card & some cash $$$ & go on a 2 week cruise 🚢. Just text him when you’re on boat.. that you’re away on vacation & see you soon...then when you return, you can make plans to leave & get your own apartment. I would NEVER put up with that treatment from a spouse! He should be ashamed of himself.
Hugs 🤗