Mother (95) has been in assisted living for a year now. Last month she had a stroke and needs more care. How do I stop beating myself up?

Sounds to me like your mom needs Memory Care, where the ratio of care givers to residents is MUCH higher than in regular Assisted Living. Plus, the idea that a QMAP neglected to give your mother medication that may have contributed to a stroke makes it sound like a place to get OUT of. How can you trust them at this point? My mother, who's 92 and in much the same shape your mother is in, was transferred to Memory Care in late May after a bout with pneumonia, a stint in rehab, and a general decline in physical and mental abilities. She's gotten much better care over there, I must say, which relieves MY mind quite a bit. Part of your guilt and worry, I believe, is due to the fact that you're not confident she's in good hands where she's at. Try looking into Memory Care and see what you think.
Best of luck!

Oh I know pretty much how you feel. Scared to leave. We weren’t true snowbirds, but did take 3 week yearly vacations to Florida and so looked forward to them! When I started to worry more about Mom who was in Independent Living I would hire a caregiver to be with her during the day and report to me daily. That worked for a couple of years, but the last time I had to fly back early when she fell and was hospitalized. When she went to the N.H. we cut the vacations shorter, but still hired a caregiver for the daytime who would report right to me. Then we cancelled the vacations all together because I was worried something would happen and we knew I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself, so there was really no point going. My DH was completely in agreement, so we put all that on hold for the last few years. If you can’t enjoy yourself, is that really a vacation? You’re fortunate that your family has volunteered to step up. If you construct a structured plan would that help? Instead of just saying they’ll go over when they’re needed, would you feel better if they had days of the week/hours per day that each would spend with her? The same type of schedule you’d have with a paid caregiver? In fact, would you feel better with a paid caregiver? I know that would be $$ on top of her AL costs already. I see it’s been suggested that you start looking into N.H. but it I’m not sure that would change how you feel about leaving her.

Lexibrite, I'm also an only child and completely get where your head and heart is at. But I am wondering why your mom is in AL and not LTC or MC if she has a lot of dementia and requires that much help? I'm hoping you and hubby are not the ones paying for her care. If you are concerned about the cost, I recommend getting her into a higher level of care in a good place where you have confidence in their quality, and let her go onto Medicaid. We did this with my MIL and she gets awesome care provided by lovely people. My 90-yo mom lives next door to me and she witnessed the stress we went through dealing with my MILs multiple problems that she brought on to herself. My mom constantly tells me she would never want me to feel like that on her behalf, which, as you probably know, is nearly impossible. Do the best you can for your mom, after that, there is sorrow but don't allow guilt. Blessings!

Why do you beat yourself up?

You found an appropriate level of care for mom?
Mom had a stroke?
You are no longer to provide mom care she needs?
That you want to do your snowbirds thing this year?
That you won't be able to visit mom while you snowbirds?

Don't. You have done what you can do and what is best for mom. You have done more than many are able to. You have responsible children that will help with grandma when necessary. Relax, enjoy snowbirding. You need to take care of you too.

Lexi, did you end up going south last winter? I ask, because you posted last Fall about being hesitant about going.

My mom, post stroke, was in a Nursing Home for 4 1/2 years. She survived several bouts of pneumonia, UTIs and two falls.

During that time, my brothers and I each took many extended vacations.

Our thoughts were that we could not put our lives on hold because mom " might" get sick. We always brought travel insurance and agreed in advance that if mom died, we wait until everyone was able to be home for the funeral.

I also heeded the advice from an elderly friend who told me she missed much of her grandchildren's childhoods because was worried about and looking after her mother. She said in retrospect, she would have been better off getting more help and enjoying the children more.

I vote for taking some time to snowbird this year and let your kids pick up the visiting.