How much favoritism is in this group? Do you choose who you respond to and who you don't? If someone has a legitimate complaint, do you listen or ignore? Reason for these questions is that when I started in this, my questions were being answered. Now, hardly get any answers. Unless hardly anyone is logged into this. I have genuine concerns. Might be griping at times, but it's still legitimate.
Tired of my brother wanting to take charge of everything in relation to my mother. His also. I want to see what the money is being used for. I don't want to confront him and ask him. He might think and say that it's non of my business. But I am her daughter and I have been living with her longer than he did. He is realizing how much is involved with being a POA. But in reality, he isn't doing everything that a POA is supposed to do, IF he is POA over everything. And how would I tell his wife to stay out of our business? If it was her mother in this position, I don't think that she would want her husband interfering either. But she surely has been doing it with me. And he doesn't even know about it. Should I tell and show him or keep him in the dark?
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The POA you speak of is between your mother and your brother. She appointed him and as those of us who have a POA have done, he is most likely doing the best he can. Husband’s and wives tend to talk things out between themselves and this is most likely what he and his wife are doing. When I was POA for my mom, I always bounced ideas off my husband. Telling tales on your sister-in-law to your brother could backfire on you.
Your brother should be keeping all receipts for any expenses to prove Mom’s money is being spent on her. He could be asked to show those receipts. But, that is between him, any attorneys that might be involved and any courts. He does not have to share those financial records to anyone else.
Keep your own council until and if you have solid proof that he is mishandling any of your mother’s finances. You sound as if you aren’t even sure what form of POA he has. Do not try to stir things up between him and his wife. What would that prove or solve? If and when you have proof he is mishandling your mother’s finances, enlist the help of an attorney and go to him/her with that proof.
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In one, you ask why you don't have a copy of your mother's will and that you are tired of asking your SIL.
You have no right to your mother's will until she is dead and it is filed. I never saw my mom's will until it was entered into probate, nor should I.
Your brother, as POA, has a duty to keep your mother's finances private. Perhaps you didn't understand that.
I probably need to get a life... But this forum saved mine, and I love the people here, and the ones I think don't love me quite so much I try not to rub up the wrong way, and on the VERY rare occasions when I've really felt myself get annoyed I just close that thread and leave it alone.
I think it's worth bearing in mind that most forum members are under stress one way or another; plus that we each have our particular corns and sore patches and bugbears; and that we can't see facial expressions or hear tones of voice so sometimes misunderstandings are bound to happen.
But I'm CERTAIN SURE that you are not being intentionally avoided! :) Hugs to you.
If his wife starts interfering again, my husband will tell her to butt out. It's his mother not hers.
In your last post (the one where you are surprised that you have "ticked off" one of the posters here, you write in a very confusing manner, mentioning "she" several times. It's really hard to figure out if your husband is going to yell at your SIL or your mom for being out of line.
I responded to a previous post of yours about something that your sister in law said to you that you seemed to take umbrage at. To my way of looking at it, she was expressing an opinion, not putting you down. Of course I wasn't there, but from reading and responding your posts, you seem to frequently cast yourself in the role of the victim.
Do you want Power of Attorney? Tell your brother that you would be happy to take on the job and both of you go to mom and have her change it.
What is your SIL butting in about? As I've previously written, my SIL handled almost all of my mom's finances (my brother was POA) because she was much more expert in that area and she was able to handle mom's money in a much more dispassionate way than were the rest of us. (To her, it was just money; my brother's and I were brought up in such a way that money had a lot of hidden and unspoken emotion attached--not in a good way).
Do you think mom's money is being spent frivolously? I never questioned how my mom's money was being spent, because it was HER money and she trusted my brother to spend it. We were brought up without expectation of an inheritance, so I wasn't counting her pennies. We made sure that the nursing home she was in would accept Medicaid after two years of private pay, so that we wouldn't have to move her, but what is brother spending money on that you object to? Are you being reimbursed for anything you lay out for her? Is brother being similarly reimbursed?
What is it that your SIL is communicating to you that you'd like to "show" your brother?
As for your question, if you feel that your brother is not doing what he needs to do, then I would talk to him. Your mother offered you to be the POA and you state that he is smarter than you, if he is, maybe he is doing the right things for your mother, and you are not aware of them.
There seems to be some dysfunction going on between you and your brother, why not address it before it gets out of hand.
My brother has my step-fathers POA, I ask him anything and everything, we discuss issues and how to handle them, we are a team, working together to take proper care of him and his wife. There is no dissention, to me, that is counter productive and accomplishes nothing.
Be aware too, that some of us live in the UK and have an 8 hr difference or more.
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