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Pasa18 Asked September 2019

Is this fair game?

I recruited a relative to help me with respite so I could getaway with a friend for a few days to celebrate my birthday. More importantly, I was ready to invite her a live in caregiver for mom since I announced that I needed to work full time. Well, my relative arrived a day later than I expected, so I could not drive with my friend to the planned getaway. I adjusted and said I would take alternative transportation a day later. Well, my relative wanted to leave in the middle of the time period I asked. Literally, on my birthday I was tired and felt defeated and needed to do laundry, so that's what I did. Thankfully, another friend called while I was doing laundry and asked me to have brunch. The friend I had plans with also drove back three hours to spend time celebrating my birthday. I mustered up the energy to ask relative to stay longer so I could actually getaway which I desperately needed and wanted. She agreed and I hopped on the earliest bus out of town missing the drive with my friend a second time. So while away, my early onset dementia mother tells her friend that she has help at home. This 'friend' of my mother recruits my relative to work as a caregiver for her disabled husband. Guess what? As soon as I arrived back from my getaway, my relative is making arrangements to now work with my mother's friend. This confused my mother who felt helpful to her friend but didn't quite understand she would loose her help - or mine. I accept that opportunity comes to everyone and I should remain grateful that I accomplished a get away, and this is part of the process of caregiving ... finding help. I'll move on, but I wanted to write this: everyone has an agenda. I need to roll with it. Anyway, I ask my question above, rhetorically. I told my relative I would find someone else to offer the live in position.

Pasa18 Sep 2019
I am just revisiting this issue to update the situation. I tried having a conversation with my mother about her call to "her friend" to hopefully avoid further situations like this. She didn't let me finish my sentence and blamed me for bringing the relative there. I know she is projecting, but I can't get a hold of my emotions. It's hard enough arranging for care, finding someone, accommodating everyone to have some 'time', but then to get blamed after all. It is exhausting. I don't know if I can maintain this situation to keep mom at home, pretty much at my expense. Last night, another relative offered the usual platitude that everything will work itself out. No, I'm paying the price at the expense of my own family's needs. I asked specifically every person, family and friends, if they might have a paid block of time each month so I can get certain things accomplished. So far, not one has taken that request seriously. The relative who came, I thought was something that I needed to adjust to in working with another. I don't want to go through this with each person that will 'help'. If I hire agency help, I would have to pay a portion which I would be willing. This is mentally exhausting.

Pasa18 Sep 2019
Thanks AlvaDeer and JoAnn29. My brief getaway provided some clarity. I need to find help or assisted living will be the next option.

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GardenArtist Sep 2019
I agree as well; JoAnn hit the nail on the head.  The relative either wasn't interested in the first place or was playing you against the other person.   

To me her behavior is a good indication of what could have happened later, at a more critical time.  (And it still can, to the person who did hire her).

She's not reliable, or sincere.   You're fortunate to have avoided what could be a worse scenario if you hired her and she quit to go elsewhere, leaving you stranded after already having begun to rely on her.

JoAnn29 Sep 2019
I would not have hired the relative after she showed up late and then wanted to leave early. You gave her a timeline and she refused to abide by it. This would probably have continued after she came to live with Mom. I think u dodged a bullet. Your friend will find out, poor thing.
AlvaDeer Sep 2019
I so agree with JoAnn. I think you may have ended up on the lucky end of this. If you have access and see the results you must let us know.

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