Mom (93) lives on her own in NYC area- I live 300 miles away as does my sister and 3 brothers all within an hours drive. Mom will not move.

Your brother lives in NYC area and Mom doesn't want to move. Let your brother handle it and communicated with you by phone until you know when and if you are honestly needed.It is Mom's choice. Her choice means the daughters will not always be able to make the likely 3 hour trip. Does your Mom live alone? Is the brother fairly capable? Mom may need to go to rehab until she is fully on her feet, but again, this is her choice if she doesn't wish to move. Have you discussed with her? Has she visited with you? Does she like the area you are in? What would she miss? Her hospital, friends, her friends? What does she say about her reasons? I think you and your Sister not showing up is a GOOD THING. And will let Mom know where this is heading if she chooses not to make a move of some sort.

Oh, remembering those days well!

This may well be a watershed moment, when neither you nor sis can show up.

You can call the social work/discharge department at the hospital and enlist their help; you point out to them that mom lives alone, has no help and that her children are far, far away and cannot provide help. What is THEIR plan for her discharge? Will they send her to rehab? What is their assessment of her abilty, going forward, to live alone? Is she eligible for Medicaid, and thus for round the clock home attendants if she lives in NYC?

It is the job of the discharge planners at the hospital to make sure that your mother is discharged to a safe place. Not being available may actually be of benefit and get her the long term help she needs.

Do NOT let yourself be bullied (not by mom and not by discharge planners) to move heaven and earth to show up. You have a golden opportunity to force change right now; either to move mom to rehab near one (and then perhaps long term placement) or get her in home help.

You’re a wreck because she is your mother and you love her. You worry about her living alone. It’s like a mine field when a senior that age lives alone. You want to be there with her and you can’t. Moving for either one of you or your sister is not doable and that’s frustrating and annoying.

You may need to have, as we say, a “Come to Jesus “ family meeting and include her. Explain that her living on her own is causing you great stress. If she insists she’s ok, tell her she may feel that way, but when she winds up in the ER, she’s obviously NOT ok. Ask how she thinks you could solve this. Remind her that not being able to get to her when she has an “incident” scares and stresses you and is not good your own health. Make suggestions like a companion or home health aide, but let her share her ideas as well. No action is not a solution. She has to think of something.