What to do when one spouse with dementia is being given wine by the other spouse so that he (the spouse without dementia) can "cope"?

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M

MomcareFL Asked September 2019

What to do when one spouse with dementia is being given wine by the other spouse so that he (the spouse without dementia) can "cope"?

My husband and his siblings just learned from a health aide who visits his mother's and step-father's home daily that step-father (passive personality, COPD, mild cognitive decline, and mobility problems) is buying wine for my husband's mother (stage 4 dementia) because he finds her easier to handle when she's been drinking. His response to the aide when she questioned this was essentially, this is our house and we will do as we please. My husband's mother has always been a difficult person: narcissistic, liked to be in charge. What to do about this alcohol issue? I searched the forums here but did not find anything. Anyone ever dealt with something like this? From what I have read, this drinking will accelerate her decline. (Perhaps that is what he wants? He's already had enough? Financially they are not well off so they would need to seek Medicaid assistance for any placement in a memory care home.)

Alcohol Abuse Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions

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score 1 · Answer 1

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. You have helped me see the other side of things. It's true that this may be what they both look forward to and clearly he finds her tough to deal with otherwise. At least for part of the day. Hopefully he is controlling the amount. But yeah, I guess we just let them be. It's their last hurrah. My only worry is that she still thinks she is capable of driving and doing tree trimming on a ladder. I hope he has a handle on that.

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score 3 · Answer 2

Gee, what does it matter, a long as it's not excessive amounts of wine...(not causing any falls ect).
Surely we know how good it feels to:
"take the edge off".
I doubt that social services wud find fault with it. Likely the Dr wouldn't either, given her condition.
Sounds like it's working for them.

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score 5 · Answer 3

I don't know that wine will accelerate your MILs decline.........but alcohol abuse can certainly contribute to getting dementia in the first place. Some doctors prescribe a certain amount of alcohol for their dementia patients, while others are against it. Of course, when in doubt, it's always best to check with her doctor, especially with a history of alcohol abuse.

In my opinion, at an advanced age and in poor health overall, what's the difference if they eat chocolate or drink wine? If it winds up decreasing their time on Earth, in the end, that may be a blessing. Dementia takes away mostly everything in their lives, why take away even MORE? That's my mindset with my 92 year old mother who suffers from dementia and a host of other medical conditions.

Best of luck!

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I agree, they have so little to look forward to, and it helps my Mom sleep! And its a routine at this point after years...

(4)

score 0 · Answer 4

She has abused alcohol in the past (key point I omitted above) so it's concerning to my husband that he is giving her alcohol so he can cope. How much we don't yet know.

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I think that knowing "how much" is key here. He clearly is in control of how much, so it is not as though she can abuse alcohol at this time. Might be the high point of her day to have a glass of red wine at night. Would be something I would look forward to myself, hee hee. So I think without knowing the extent I couldn't opine at all. I am certain as well, that this is very difficult care her husband is doing, so sitting down at 5 pm with Anderson Cooper and a glass of red wine would get my vote. Now getting her drunk would NOT get my vote, but I doubt he would be thrilled with her falling and vomitting and so on either!

(3)

score 1 · Answer 5

How much wine? Because if the wine is not in excess I fail to understand why they should not be sharing a glass, glass and one half of wine of an evening. Did they always have a little wine every evening? What led the caregiver to worry over this? I do not think at this age their MD would be against this.
I could be wrong, but how MUCH wine figures here.

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So true,, my mom drinks 2 watered down glasses of red every night,, both of her Drs are aware, and OK with it at almost 89 (birthday next week!! ) When she was in rehab a few years ago they OKed her evening drink.. the rehab had her bottle in the med room.

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What to do when one spouse with dementia is being given wine by the other spouse so that he (the spouse without dementia) can "cope"?

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