Welp--it has begun. DH's mom has begun to fail and pretty epically, too. She is 89(?) maybe 90..anyway, has lived independently at home to this point. She drives but only to the store and to her hairdresser and her PCP.
She's begun to have a lot of falls. Mostly, a dizzy spell sets in and down she goes. She's not fessing up to it, but she has a 'fall pendant' and they register each fall or tumble. She's has lived in utter terror her sons would 'throw her in a nasty nursing home'...but early last weekend, she got really sick and saw her PCP, who was sending her from heck to breakfast to get tests and stuff done, fully realizing she was driving herself...I'd like to shake this idiot dr! Anyway, she did get one blood test done and realized she couldn't do it alone, so called her daughter. Gonna call her J for ease. J takes one look at MIL and hauls her to the ER, and they admitted her immediately. She spent 4 days in the hospital, with a UTI and pneumonia. The UTI is cleared up but she cannot bring her O-sats out of the low 70's w/o oxygen. She's still falling when she tries to get up. They moved her to a NH near J's house. Can't figure out what's wrong with her and she's being OK about being in the NH for now, but we all know she wants to go to J's to live. J has a daughter and 2 grands already living with her and a useless lunk of a DH.
All this happened last week when DH was out of town and he didn't bother to tell me. I can't DO anything--with the chemo txes I'm doing, I cannot be around sick people--and anyway, my MIL hates me profoundly.
DH came home from a 16 day business trip and slept for 30 hours. THEN when he wakes up he tells me about his mother. I suggested he go visit her and he did, but put it off for hours...he just doesn't deal with this.
I went to bed, and we didn't talk about it until last night--he should have run out to see her, or minimally, call her, but chose to do neither.
This is totally unfair to J. He is more than happy to dump ALL the things on her, and has in the past, so why upset the cart? HE is MIL's POA and I think she may have a cog eval while in the NH and she will not pass it. Then he has to step in and he....won't.
What kind of language can I use to help him to see that he needs to be a grown up now and deal with this. I don't think she is actively dying, but she probably can't live alone and she's been adamant about staying home. he'd be totally content to let J handle all things and he sort of shows up now and then when guilt eats him up. He NEEDS to help his sister, if he can't stand his mom (few people can, she's very, very difficult) then he at least needs to be of help to J.
Right now, J is trying to navigate Medicare. They won't pay for in home oxygen for pneumonia, she said, and I told her to find an advocate in the NH to help her.
Even tho MIL openly hates me, and has said it repeatedly, I do not hate her and I feel so bad for her. The one thing she hated is happening.
I did reach out to J and told her I'd bring in a couple of meals to them this week and she can freeze or eat them, whatever. It's really all I can do.
I have another chemo tx next Thurs, and DH said "This is just not a good time for that"...if I had been siting next to him I would have popped him one. I said "I DO NOT need you to help me AT ALL. Live your life and I'll work on saving mine, OK?" I know he is just frustrated, but he doesn't have a choice here, as POA there are things he HAS to know and do.
Personally, I don't see MIL ever going back home. And he needs to be an integral part if MIL's care and not dump it on J. Legally, he can't! HIS name is on the checkbook!
Sorry--kind a rant/vent, but mostly just so frustrated with him--memories of his dad's EOL and me stepping up into his 24/7 care is still very fresh in my mind and I'm 15 years older and have cancer myself.
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Of course, he should resign as POA, but you are in no way going to get him to change his behavior. You can't get him to change toward you, how much more so his mom who has mistreated him terribly.
Just don't go there.
It is a tough place to be, I don't envy you, perhaps you can make some phone calls and find any home support for MIL, if she is released from NH. Whatever you do, please don't put you health in jeopardy, you've worked so hard serving others and deserve this treatment to work for you, and too much stress and pressure isn't good for you at this point.
Take Care!
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Please take care of YOU right now. There is just not a lot you can do but be a bystander in the awful drama going on now; this is going to be a change MIL will fight. Perhaps she should be assisted to stay home where she wants to be, in all truth. She might not have to face then a horrific long slow slide over years in a place she hates. O2 sat is very low, as you know, and that is not good. Is there more than pneumonia going on with her lungs?
So sorry you have this heaped on you with all else you deal with.
Hubby is lucky I couldn't get to him with that "This isn't a good time for the chemo". I have HAD chemo. There's NEVER a good time for chemo, and don't we know it. But mine was 31 years ago. So see you in 31 more years midkid. You will hardly remember it.
31 years! That's great. I will be content with 20 more, maybe 25 if I'm in relatively good health. I plan to beat this and allow no negative thoughts as to 'what if' to enter my mind.
I have chemo next week, I have already got someone (my sister) to go with my and when DH started making some grumbling sounds about how this wasn't a good time (he did not mean it the way it came out--he's just perpetually overwhelmed, mostly due to his own poor planning) I said "You just go do what you need to do. I can take care of myself." I don't know how to say that w/o making him feel like a heel, but truth is, I do BETTER when he isn't here. If he 'stays home to take care of me' he just goes to bed and sleeps for hours and hours.
in 4 weeks from today I have my LAST transfusion and while it will take a long time to recover---I can do this. No, he's been of really no help, but God has more than made that up to me.
Anyway - let the siblings fight it out and take care of yourself.
Tell J that she has every right to say "no" to her mom coming to live with her. If they need to admit her as an LTC patient, they just need DH's signature as POA.
Then his sister finally got him and chewed him out a little--I guess he was SUPPOSED to go to a mtg at the NH with the DON to discuss long term care. I could hear J and she was as mad as she's capable of being. Oh well--he deliberately left his phone off b/c he KNEW he was supposed to be at this mtg. J took the day off to do all this stuff.
I said....nothing.
Told his sis he was going to come out to her house before his flight and that he'd also go see his mom. (Hasn't talked or seen her since Sunday).
Now you or I would get moving and pack, etc, what does he do? He puts on a movie to watch!
Again, I say...nothing. Just asked him to run all this food out to J's. (I truly didn't think he would do it)
At the last moment, as per his usual game plan, he suddenly jumps up and begins throwing things in bags and I said goodnight to him and went to bed. It was 9:30 by then, he'd talked to J at about 5. I guess he was able to stop by J's on the way to the airport, but so conveniently put off making any effort to see his mother, and barely time to talk to J. Didn't hear him leave and sure as heck didn't offer to drive him to the airport.
I slept like a log.
Going forth, I will be supportive and I am happy to do what I can to facilitate what has to happen-whatever that is. But I'm not a player in this game.
BUT--I'm not putting myself out for his mother's care more than taking in meals and maybe doing some things at her place--although her house is the cleanest place in the world.
And I feel good about that. I am focused on getting through 4 more weeks of chemo and a couple of trips to see my grands and then it will be Christmas and I have a new job lined up coming Jan. 1.
I really do feel so sorry for DH. His mother was the source of ALL his angsty issues now-both he and his OB are messes, in their own ways. J was the perfect little girl and doesn't believe her precious mother could ever say an unkind thing.
Wow--families. I do know some where love abounds (well, my own with my 5 kiddoes, and we do have some issues, but for the most part, no drama).
I appreciate the kind words that really just got me back on the train.
Share this information with J. She needs to know that she needs to make a specific request of him, i.e. DON needs you to sign as POA for Medicare to pay for AL.
We also know he doesn't do tears or emotion. She needs to not do the emotionally needy thing with him. Maybe having the DON email or text him what is needed would work.
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