I used to work two and a half jobs for 20 years before quitting and finally fulfilling my dream of buying a home living in Florida. After my Dad passed 7 years ago I moved in with my Mom. I finally have my home and a break before going back to work so I can work on my house. My Mom is sweet but is with me 24/7, up early in the morning and stays up late. My older brother lives in the area. I foolishly thought he might give me some support once I moved here. A break now and then.....uh no. For one he has never had to take care of anyone other than himself. He has worked part time for 10 years in the evenings yet always has something he 'has to do' during the day.
Before moving here he promised to take Mom out and do things with her during the day so I could finally have a break (practice some self-care) and get my home in order. I shipped all my parents antiques and furniture here for my Mom. My brother is more interested in what we have in all the boxes and looking in our fridge for food plus washing his laundry here once a week because he doesn't have a washer dryer. I set boundaries but he still thinks mowing the lawn once a week is 'helping' (I'm buying my own mower this week). I need time alone. Every suggestion I give my Mom for doing something she doesn't like. She doesnt want to to go the beach, doesn't swim, doesn't like the local senior center (I don't blame her). Even as I type this she walks around sighing loudly. Her way of telling me she's bored. I ask her what she would like to do and suggest fun things, but she tells me "oh I don't know I'm fine. What do you think?'
I can't entertain her 24/7 but then she gets frustrated and I'm tied up in knots. My siblings think they're going to inherit antiques and my Mother's bank funds though have never-never done anything for them, never contributed when I was paying mom and dad's groceries and cooking for them in between working two jobs. My health is failing. Short of shouting from a rooftop, I have expressed this a million different ways both calmly and with frustration. Oh and my brother sees me as not working, only hanging around the house with Mom. Totally ignoring the fact I cared for our parents while I worked for years. Completely oblivious of what I do and what caring for a 93 year old with dementia involves (though I have explained and written down). When my brother does take my mom out, she says "well he's gonna come drag me outta here, so you can get rid of me and be by yourself".... She isn't stupid, she knows my brother only comes to take her out because I need to be alone but somehow makes me feel guilty. I'm at my wit's end. Any advice is welcomed!
7 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
ADVERTISEMENT
Anyway....it may be time to cut your losses, sell the house, get mother placed somewhere else outside of your immediate presence, and let brother dear know that the laundromat in your home is now permanently CLOSED. Shame on him. Let mother take some of her lovely antiques with her to her new apartment in Memory Care and get yourself a much smaller, more manageable place which will only require one job to pay the rent or mortgage for. You've already said mother has bank funds, so now is the time to USE them to pay for her care, don't you think? The purpose of a savings account is to take care of oneself in old age........not to leave a huge inheritance for their children.
It's time to take care of YOU now and let others take care of mother. Don't be one of the caregiver statistics that winds up dying BEFORE the elder!!
Best of luck!!
After being on this forum for many years, I have to say that at least 95% of posters here truly regret living with their parents. What seemed like a good idea at the time didn’t turn out to be so great. You are not living in the home you bought?
At this point, since Mom seems to be suffering from incurable ennui, stop making suggestions. She is most likely enjoying poo-pooing your ideas and walking around dramatically sighing when she’s sure you’ll hear her. Explain to her that you’re resigning as her entertainment committee and when she wants to do something to let you know. Dump it into her lap.
As for brother, come up with more things that have to be done; little fixer-upper jobs you need “help”with, even taking Mom shopping, etc while he’s there. If he knows you’re going to inundate him with these things, he may find a laundromat.
Your mom has dementia. That means that what she says may mean something very different from factual interchanges that would be expected among people who do not have dementia.
You say she “isn’t stupid”, and you may or may not be correct with that statement but she STILL has dementia, and her symptoms will become progressively worse.
Nothing that your brother says or does not say will change that.
Assume that your brother will not offer to do any more than he does now.
If your mother’s dementia related behavior bothers you, seek out a safe pleasant residential setting that she can afford, and place her there.