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stardewleah Asked September 2019

How do I not crack under the pressure of caring for my mom?

For details: I'm 21, and I recently had to start caring for my mom (it's all really sudden, and she's starting to scare me). My dad passed away when I was 17, and Mom's health has been slowly declining since then.


She has arthritis in her hip, and a slipped disc in her back. She can barely walk, and has doctor's appointments/physical therapy pretty much every day. I'm kind of a fulltime caregiver at this point, and really had to put all of my own goals and ambitions on hold. I can't leave her at the house alone, so a job/school is out of the question. We can't afford another caregiver, and I'm an only child. Not to mention I don't really have any guidance, so there's a lot of life skills (banking, doctor's appointments, insurance) I'm trying to figure out on my own as I go.


Between dad passing away and now, I've barely had enough time to grieve, and now I'm running an entire household by myself. (His death was sudden, right before I graduated high school) I don't really have a social circle since all my friends went away to college, and I have no idea where to reach out for help (which is kind of why I'm posting here.)


I want to help her, so I take her to her doctor's appointments, and clean up the house, and cook, and everything else, but it's all getting to be too much! I see a mental health counselor, but even that has to be every other week so I don't leave her alone too long. Her mental health is declining, to the point where she's mean to me, claims I'm bossing her around and half the time doesn't make any sense at all. She falls and hurts herself constantly unless I'm watching her, so I really don't have any time to myself.


It's kind of at the point where she expects me to do everything, but yells at me for doing things for her. Cooking and affording food is a problem too, especially since Mom is SUPER picky about what she eats. Her co-workers (from a job she's not allowed to go back to) have been sending us food which is a blessing, but Mom won't eat any of it because she hates leftovers. So I have to make something fresh for her every night, which results in a lot of wasted food.


Does anyone have any advice for what I could do? Money's tight, especially since neither of us are working and Dad didn't leave us much. I'm so stressed out I can barely function, but I'm kind of at a loss for what to do, so I keep going. Any words of encouragement or advice would be appreciated! Thank you!!

lealonnie1 Sep 2019
I have arthritis in my hip and a very bad disc situation in my lower back. So, I had a hip replacement in 2017 and was back to work in 3 weeks. I live with the pain in my lower back (and also severe stenosis in my neck) because that's life. I say this to you because it sounds like there is a lot MORE going on with your mom than some arthritis in her hip and a slipped disc in her back. If she's falling constantly and you've noticed a huge mental decline, she could be suffering from some kind of dementia or Alzheimer's which is at the root of her problems. It sounds like she needs a FULL mental workup including a cognizance test by her doctor. If she's in bad enough shape, she may qualify for care at a Skilled Nursing Facility paid for by Medicaid. It seems to me that her care is out of the scope of what YOU are qualified to do!! You are 21 years old and now have no life at all due to having to care for a mother who is continuing to decline in health.

You say you are seeing a mental health counselor.......what does he/she have to say about all of this and what are the recommendations for you?

I hope you can get mom into the right doctor for a full workup SOON. I also wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to help you through this stressful situation. Sending you a big hug and wishing you all the best.

HopefulD Sep 2019
I am about your Mom's age, have spinal stenosis and a bad hip, and work fulltime while caring for my own mother. Your Mom's severe disability and mental decline are signs of something potentially much more serious. You cannot handle this on your own, nor is it fair for you to sacrifice your young life to being at home. Please get her help.

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AlvaDeer Sep 2019
I absolutely loathe the answer I am about to give you, but you cannot be made responsible for your Mom. You are 21. How old is she? She cannot be very old. If she had you at age 50 she would only be 70 now. She will live many more years and your chance at any life at all will be gone. I hate to tell you this, but you need to get a job and get out on your own. Her being mean may not be a case of her mental health declining. You do not say she is diagnosed with dementia. You are not responsible for her mental health; you have mental health issues of your own and they will soon be insurmountable if you remain caring for her. I would now get a job and your own place. Mom will have to use the system, and without funds she will be on medicaid, and there will be a caseworker and resources for her. Do not get drawn in to doing for her. If she cannot do it at home she will need to move to a facility for help.
This sounds brutal to me. All of it. And life CAN be brutal, you know that more than I do. So now it is about saving yourself. We have two chances for a stellar family. The one we are born to and the one we make. You have a right to live your life, hon. You must now tell Mom some hard facts. And make no mistake, loving you may be, it will frighten her. Tell her you love her and you two will take care of things a step at a time. But tell her that you cannot sacrifice your life to caring for her. Yes, she had you and she sacrificed for you. THAT is how it works. That is how all that works. You raise them and they fly out of the nest.
Now you are used to burrowing away with Mom and caregiving I think. Going out into the wide world is going to frighten the wits out of you. That's OK. At 21 we are ALL scared. But most of us have folks to fall back on at that age, not to take care of.
Leah you deserve a good life. Please grab it. Keep us updated if you find something that works. Start by talking to Mom's case worker if she is on disability. If not, she likely SHOULD be. Do know that if you are unable to do this at your age that would be called NORMAL. Your Mom may need guardianship by the State if she cannot function.
Best wishes and luck to you, hon. So sorry you are facing this so young because NO ONE could possibly be ready for this at your age.

AnnReid Sep 2019
Although you are MUCH too young to juggle this on your own, the fact is that you’re going to have to orient your thinking in terms of her care to SAFE-CLEAN-AFFORDABLE-relatively NEAR YOU geographically.

You are a brave and conscientious young woman, but you are not even in a position to handle your own care, much less a very dependent, very helpless, very damaged 2nd party.

If I were you I would contact the Social Services Office in your county. Google and see if you can come up with it. Explain to whoever answers the phone when you call what your situation is.

Are you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that your mom isn’t in possession of funds that she’s not telling you about? Can you contact the last place where your father worked to determine if any benefits came to your mother when he died?

Find out where documents from from last year’s taxes were kept, then check the sources of income listed.

Sounds crazy, but look under mattresses, in the corners of closets, any “secret places” you may be aware of.

Try walking into religious institutions and explaining your situation.

Your post cries of defeat, and you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. Just for “fun” (remember what that is?) see if you can find a free or very low cost course in SOMETHING online, just to give yourself something, just for YOU, instead of what you’re doing now.

And come back here and let us know what things you’ve tried and what you’ve been able to find out.

You’re an efficient, well organized writer, by the way, and you might even be able to turn THAT gift into something that might provide you with some joy. You NEED something.

Talk again soon?
stardewleah Sep 2019
Mom and dad ended up getting divorced right before he passed, so all the money and benefits ended up going through me, since I had JUST turned 18 when all the paperwork started. A lot of the money went toward planning the funeral/settling his last affairs, and I have the rest in an account that was supposed to be for college. I think I'm going to go to the bank and talk to someone about my situation to see what their advice would be.

Thank you for your kind words about my writing! I do some for fun, but lately (as I'm sure you can guess) there hasn't been a lot of time. I really like the idea of taking a course online for something! I'm definitely going to look into that. I know that I've needed something to do for a while, it's just really hard to find the time, or at the end of the day the ENERGY. But with how defeated I've felt lately, maybe 'me time' should be a priority.
Isthisrealyreal Sep 2019
I hate to say this, but your mom needs to be put in a facility. She could live for decades and it is not okay for her to steal your life to support hers.

Talk to your counselor and ask for help getting her public assistance to be placed in a facility.

She will guilt you, hate you and everything else you can imagine, but you deserve to have a life. She is awfully young and her efforts can completely change her future, but only she can do it. Time to step back and let mom sink or swim.

There are transits through most public bus systems, talk to the transportation authority for your county and get her signed up for discounted or possibly free rides.

I am sorry that she is strangling you in her choices, please find a way to step back.

NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2019
First of all, I am sorry for the loss of your dad. Also extremely sorry that you are not appreciated by your mother for your help.

I am glad that you are seeing a counselor. Please continue to do so.

This will not get any easier for you. It will become much harder the longer that it goes on. Do not see yourself as a failure because you cannot tackle this difficult job without help.

This is not your total responsibility. I don’t know what your relationship is like with your mom and I won’t pry or assume anything. If you choose to tell us anything we are here to listen. Just know that it isn’t unusual for parents to make a child feel guilty. Please don’t carry that heavy burden.

I know your mom is younger than most people in facilities but there are some younger people who have to live in a facility because they don’t have any other choice. If she has given you permission to speak with her doctors, then discuss this option with them.

You have the final decision as to what you do but I personally feel that you are too young to be a full time caregiver to your mom.

Can you reach out to your mother’s doctor or hospital to get the name of a social worker that can help you plan your next step in caring for your mom?

You mentioned that your friends are in college. Are you in school? You need to be focused on your future. Does mom have anyone that she can reach out to? What is the state of her mental health?

This will drain you further if you continue to sacrifice your entire life for her.

Do you have a church nearby that could possibly provide help? Or any other organization that helps others in the community.

Please let us know how you are and please continue to ask further questions. Others will be able to help you further. You will be able to figure this out. You have taken the first step by reaching out.

Take care...
stardewleah Sep 2019
Hi!!

I could definitely try that. I've spoken with mom's doctors before, but never about the next step, or trying to find care for her. I'm still figuring a lot out, but maybe a social worker could help me through that process?

Mom has siblings (who have been REALLY helpful in talking to me), but they all live a few hours away. She doesn't talk to them too often, though, she's always been sort of isolated. I've been trying to gauge the state of her mental health for a while now... she gets angry a lot, and sometimes doesn't make any sense at all. Dad was sort of the same way before he passed, which scares me a little.

I'm not in school right now. I was enrolled in a community college for about a year, but had to quit since I couldn't leave Mom alone for that long.

I'm going to try reaching out to a few support groups!! It's always been something that scared me, but I know I have to start taking steps to help myself out of this.
SnoopyLove Sep 2019
How are you and your mother paying your bills? Is she on disability? I think you need a social worker to guide you finding care for your mother. (And frankly, I'm not very impressed with your counselor if he or she is not seeing all the red flags of your situation. To be blunt, I think your SITUATION is crazy, not YOU!)

Please go to your county's website to see how to contact your Area Agency on Aging or social services to start making changes.

againx100 Sep 2019
This is a lot for anyone to handle, but you're only 21! I feel bad for you.

Is your mom improving with PT? Is there hope that she will become physically independent at some near date? I sure hope so.

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor.

If this situation is short term where the demands on you will subside, then perhaps you can stick it out. If it's more of a long term situation, you need to get someone to help with your mom.

Good luck.
stardewleah Sep 2019
I haven't seen any improvement, but she's insisting she is. There's talk of a surgery that could help, but she keeps putting it off. I think she's scared, and there's not a lot I can do to push it along. There's no way I could consent to an operation for her, after all.

I was sort of hoping this was something I could stick out, but you're right; if she keeps putting off the surgery, I'm going to try looking into getting some help.
CTTN55 Sep 2019
I am also curious as to what your counselor says about all of this. He/she should be helping you with advice about what to do, since this is affecting YOUR mental health!

Do you go into the examining room for the doctor visits? Are you on the HIPAA forms to have access to her medical information and to speak with her doctors?
stardewleah Sep 2019
Things are going slowly with my counselor right now, since I recently had to start seeing a new one, and I only see her every other week. Last we spoke, she's helping me find support groups, which I think is a good start!

There's some information I have access to, and I've called to talk to her doctors before. I'm starting to think I SHOULD go to the examining room, because I'm pretty sure she's lying to me about what the doctors tell her.
SnoopyLove Sep 2019
I hope Stardewleah does come back and fill in a few more details and update us about her situation. I agree with AnnReid that she is an excellent writer, and seems like a very promising sort of young person. I'm hoping for the best for her.

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