I agree with everything lealonnie has said. Things will work out. Only take care of the essentials. Leave the rest for the facility to deal with.
You need an emotional break. You know that she most likely won’t change her attitude. Not this late in the game. So start focusing on you and your desires.
Maybe plan something to look forward to. Anticipation is half the fun! Try to put your mind elsewhere right now. She will see that you are living your life. She will start to rely more on the staff at the facility.
You do deserve to live your life. Sometimes we feel guilty because they are suffering. But you know that you did everything possible for her. Don’t allow her to make you feel guilty.
I will do that. I just needed someone to tell me. Cause yes you are right I felt guilty even today when I drove home after seeing her I cried all the way home. But its good to cry and get it all out. I must believe that the road she is on is not my road. Altough I will still be there I will not carry her anymore.Keep well😘
The best thing anyone has ever said to me was this: Allow US to do the care giving for your mother here in Assisted Living....that is what you are PAYING for. That was a DUH moment for me. I do NOT have to micro manage her life. I do NOT have to internalize HER issues. I do NOT have to stay for hours when I visit. I do NOT have to call twice a day and listen to endless and non stop complaining. Instead, I can allow the staff at the AL Memory Care do THEIR jobs and I can return to being the daughter who checks in once daily by phone and once weekly in person. I still handle all of her finances, all of her medical issues with the doctor, care conferences with the staff, etc, but I don't choose to sweat the small stuff.
Let go of LOTS of the burden you've taken on and let mother drive THEM crazy instead of YOU. It's what she's paying for.
Thats some good advice. My husband also said I myst stop phonung her everyday and when I do dont take everything she says so seriously. I will do that then and try to find peace that I have done all I could for her. Thanks and blessings to you.
Personally for me the longer my mother has been in AL the easier I feel about it. I certainly do realize how fortunate I am to have her there rather than at home,either hers with care or mine. I will add right here that this site has been a godsend.
My mother is certainly going down hill physically and mentally but is still functioning. This is the second facility she had been in and it has been a happier experience for all of us who deal with her. That fact most likely makes it easier. The duration of time has made the routines that I have with her more easier as I am adjusted to them. I am fortunate too that she is fairly compliant. I don't ask too much of her nor expect much. When she tells me her cell phone (which she has never owned in her life) is not working I call the front desk to say the phone in her room is out of order. When she tells me I am ignoring her because her phone is broken I tell her so. When she says she knows her phone is broken I simply say that is why she has not heard from me. A few years ago this would have me pulling my hair out.
If you can accept anything that is positive and overlook everything that is negative you may find less stress eventually. So many understand the journey you are on.
It is and you cannot explain it to anyone cause they will just say that its not so but I have aged and I know its because of my moms issues. 7 years she was living with us at home giving us hell everyday. Falling and hitting her head open on the wardrobes door and not listening to me when I tell her to walk with her wheeler. Until in the end I could not take it anymore She has been at the retirement home since 2017. But still it feels like sh drives me crazy from there. But I have been dealing with this all wrong. Gonna start to remove myself from her care and let the caregivers do their job.Im gonna stop feeling guilty. I hope u can find peace it that too.
You are not alone. Until I found this forum, I was not dealing well with the "stress and pressure" of caregiving for my in-laws.
My FIL drives us crazy too. You are not alone. I have cut back on both the frequency and duration of visits to my FIL.
Life is short and life can change in an instant. Live your life; your brothers are living their lives, right?!
You and I are around the same age! My FIL lives in independent living, which has a memory care building should he need it. He lives where he needs to live and, therefore, I feel not one bit bad about planning to move back home within the next year or two.
Your mother is in "frail care" and be grateful that she's where she needs to be. Recognize that you *choose* to keep this weight on your shoulders. You have the right to make different choices. You can still help care for your mother and have healthy boundaries too.
I have learned so much from the good people on this forum. I hope you stick around because you are not alone on this forum.
You seem to know exactly how I feel. Yes my brother in America just sends a little money about $50 and always has advice but they are not here dealing with her everyday. My other brother is non existant in our lives. He thinks just by phoning my mom for 5 min every two weeks is more than enough. Yes I do need my life back without feeling guilty all the time. Im gonna give my mountain thats on my shoulders to the frailcare people. We pay alot of money for that service cause I will never be able to do what they do.Its gonna be hard but I will have to pull back abit from her.Good luck with your mountain. Thank you for your message.
It’s hard. It really is. It ages us. It can rob us of peace. We have to fight not to let our joy be stolen and that’s really tough if everything is dumped in our lap. It weighs heavily on us.
Decisions will have to be made. We can become confused if we are overwhelmed. Is it possible to step away for awhile to get a clearer perspective on the situation? I feel it’s important to do that if you can because you will burn yourself out if you over extend yourself.
You do have choices. I know it seems like we don’t have choices at times but we do. Are you feeling guilty? Please don’t allow others to place guilt or a heavy burden on you. We all have limits. Unfounded guilt can cause the wrong decisions to be made. Don’t make decisions that you know that you will regret. Trust your instincts.
Talk to others who have gone through similar experiences as you. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or share any concerns. If you don’t find a suitable answer ask where you can find possible solutions. The end decisions are yours. You don’t have to do everything that is expected of you if it is causing you grief.
Guilt or remorse serves a purpose if it is used as motivation for correcting something that you did wrong. If you haven’t done anything wrong it isn’t an appropriate emotion in planning for care of a family member.
No one here will judge you. We have all learned by trial and error. No one is prepared for the emotions that go along with the difficult challenge of caregiving.
Thank you - it truly feels if I have aged because of my moms burden on me. The other day I was looking in the mirror and at my hands and just realised I haven't been taking care of my face and hands for a long time. Haven't put on cream or bought any new make up. My face have aged and I noticed lots of wrinkles that wasn't there before.
Hi frailcare is a service in a retirement home. She shares a room with another lady. The caregivers bath her and dress her every morning and evening cause she cannot do that for herself anymore. Although she still walks with a wheeler her strength has gone down over the last year or so. Thank you for writing to me.
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You need an emotional break. You know that she most likely won’t change her attitude. Not this late in the game. So start focusing on you and your desires.
Maybe plan something to look forward to. Anticipation is half the fun! Try to put your mind elsewhere right now. She will see that you are living your life. She will start to rely more on the staff at the facility.
You do deserve to live your life. Sometimes we feel guilty because they are suffering. But you know that you did everything possible for her. Don’t allow her to make you feel guilty.
That was a DUH moment for me. I do NOT have to micro manage her life. I do NOT have to internalize HER issues. I do NOT have to stay for hours when I visit. I do NOT have to call twice a day and listen to endless and non stop complaining. Instead, I can allow the staff at the AL Memory Care do THEIR jobs and I can return to being the daughter who checks in once daily by phone and once weekly in person. I still handle all of her finances, all of her medical issues with the doctor, care conferences with the staff, etc, but I don't choose to sweat the small stuff.
Let go of LOTS of the burden you've taken on and let mother drive THEM crazy instead of YOU. It's what she's paying for.
All the best
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My mother is certainly going down hill physically and mentally but is still functioning. This is the second facility she had been in and it has been a happier experience for all of us who deal with her. That fact most likely makes it easier. The duration of time has made the routines that I have with her more easier as I am adjusted to them. I am fortunate too that she is fairly compliant. I don't ask too much of her nor expect much. When she tells me her cell phone (which she has never owned in her life) is not working I call the front desk to say the phone in her room is out of order. When she tells me I am ignoring her because her phone is broken I tell her so. When she says she knows her phone is broken I simply say that is why she has not heard from me. A few years ago this would have me pulling my hair out.
If you can accept anything that is positive and overlook everything that is negative you may find less stress eventually. So many understand the journey you are on.
I miss playing Dominoes with the fellas. I look like a man 5 yrs older than my actual age.
It's like...a job...you can't come home from work and relax...there is always something the elder parent needs.
My FIL drives us crazy too. You are not alone. I have cut back on both the frequency and duration of visits to my FIL.
Life is short and life can change in an instant. Live your life; your brothers are living their lives, right?!
You and I are around the same age! My FIL lives in independent living, which has a memory care building should he need it. He lives where he needs to live and, therefore, I feel not one bit bad about planning to move back home within the next year or two.
Your mother is in "frail care" and be grateful that she's where she needs to be. Recognize that you *choose* to keep this weight on your shoulders. You have the right to make different choices. You can still help care for your mother and have healthy boundaries too.
I have learned so much from the good people on this forum. I hope you stick around because you are not alone on this forum.
Decisions will have to be made. We can become confused if we are overwhelmed. Is it possible to step away for awhile to get a clearer perspective on the situation? I feel it’s important to do that if you can because you will burn yourself out if you over extend yourself.
You do have choices. I know it seems like we don’t have choices at times but we do. Are you feeling guilty? Please don’t allow others to place guilt or a heavy burden on you. We all have limits. Unfounded guilt can cause the wrong decisions to be made. Don’t make decisions that you know that you will regret. Trust your instincts.
Talk to others who have gone through similar experiences as you. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or share any concerns. If you don’t find a suitable answer ask where you can find possible solutions. The end decisions are yours. You don’t have to do everything that is expected of you if it is causing you grief.
Guilt or remorse serves a purpose if it is used as motivation for correcting something that you did wrong. If you haven’t done anything wrong it isn’t an appropriate emotion in planning for care of a family member.
No one here will judge you. We have all learned by trial and error. No one is prepared for the emotions that go along with the difficult challenge of caregiving.
Best wishes to you and your family.