How do I get judgemental people to see what we're really going through?

A big part of this problem concerns your mother's friends perceptions of loyalty. They have such a strong reaction to your father's apparent disloyalty they are not able to take a step back and really look at what the situation truly is.

Marriage vows are "to death do us part". Legally and historically death has been physical. I have observed marriages survive decades long physical incapacitation and even some mental declines. In my young adulthood I knew two couples in the extended family where the husband recovered from a combat brain injury and had some problems for the remainder of his life, yet continued to function (including in family life) with help from his wife and extended family. I watched my own mother remain devoted to my father while his vascular dementia turned him into an aggressive and abusive s.o.b.; I had a hard time recognizing as the man who raised me. In my own mind, my father "died" when his brain and/or mental function no longer allowed him care about anyone else or how his words or blows wounded. I'm guessing that in your mind, a large part of your mother has also died. She just isn't the person you knew in childhood. We still love the pre-illness person and their personality, we still love the rimlets of that personality which continues on in the failing physical body. But we have already accepted a type of death and started mourning the person we knew even as the body still lives.

So now we come to a new reality. What is relationship loyalty when the physical destruction of the brain renders someone unable to continue functioning in a relationship, not just with their spouse but also with their children? Are we allowed to "replace" or fill that hole in our heart while the original owner still physically lives? There are no historical precedents and our churches are sure not addressing this dilemma either. (Although historically, "mental" incapacity is one church accepted justification for divorce.) My personal belief is I saw my parents' marriage effectively end when my father became unable to treat my mother with _any_ care or consideration; that's certainly the time frame when my close relationship with my father came to a complete end. Mom and I would continue to care about him and after his placement in MC we remained involved in his care and welfare. But the two way love and communication that defines a relationship was gone even as the physical body continued breathing. People who have not experienced this journey personally will have very little insight into how painful it is to love the breathing shell of what we remember our LO being.

In my mind, as long as your father's actions toward your mother remain same, then he is being loyal to her. As long as he sees to her care, visits her to confirm the level of care, visits enough that she does not feel abandoned, and treats her loving during those visits, then I believe your father is being loyal to the relationship (diminished by your mother's illness) that remains. Your mother's life now exists within the world of her LTC facility and within that world, your mother has a husband. Unless her friends tell her differently, she doesn't know about any other relationships within her family and isn't injured by them.

If your father has found a woman who is willing to accept his wife will always have first call on his loyalty and still offer companionship to both your father and his daughters, then I would not criticize. I admit to being religious and perhaps old fashioned enough to prefer your father's companion retain her own home during your mother's lifetime. I also think that would be a good protection for your young sister if the relationship doesn't last. But it is not any more disloyal to allow someone else to fill the holes your mother's illness has left than it would if your mother had physically died. Life goes on and there is never too much love in it.

I don't think you are going to change their minds.

And I don't think you should stress out over their behavior. You can laugh when they say judge-y things and tell them that your father has your complete and loving support.

I just want to say what a great daughter. Usually, children don't even want parents to have new relationships after a death of one of them. You are a very mature 24 yr old. You recognize that there is more to people. The understand that the Dementia ur Mom has is one of the worst. It effects the emotional part of the brain.

Your parents are so young to have something like this. Your sister really does need a woman in her life right now. There are things a father just doesn't understand or can't explain. I think as long as this woman doesn't move in and the relationship is kept on the "downlow" its OK. Even though Mom is no longer the woman Dad married, he does have a responsibility to her. So she should come first.

You know what the truth is. You know what's going on in your family and these women are not a part of your family. You are under no obligation to make them understand anything. Right now they're on the outside looking in. If you approach them with the intention of trying to get them to understand their place in your mom's life increases. You'll be bringing them into what's going on in your family. I hope you don't do that because you're not going to change them or their behavior and seeking them out to try to explain things is almost like asking for their blessing. You don't owe them anything.

If you feel the need to offer an explanation I think you might try writing it down and practising - I would keep it brief, just how hard it has been to lose your mother and that you are all okay with the idea of allowing someone new to join the family. Unfortunately I think that you are just going to have to harden your heart against these friends of your mother's and cut them out of your lives, nothing you say to them is likely to change their feelings until they've had the opportunity to walk those proverbial miles in your shoes.

How do you stop people being ignorant, prejudiced and destructively partisan? No idea.

How does your father respond to the deeply unhelpful interjections you've described?

Does the hostility impact on the lady who is doing her best to support him and your little sister?

Getting new clothes and shoes for your mother IS a nice thing for them to do. Don't let your feelings about their less helpful contributions stop you acknowledging on your mother's - and your father's - behalf what is a useful, meaningful task undertaken; plus they're taking the trouble to get the right size, which is not nothing when you look at some of the peculiar things people in residential care are given to wear. Their motives - though I'm sure you're right that being snotty about your father is one of them, and not the least enjoyable either - matter less than that somebody has cared to get your mother some morale-boosting new clothes. Your mother will like it. That's good enough.

I don't think you should set out to talk to these people. If you encounter them and they say something ignorant, unkind, harsh, or even just mistaken, correct it but within bounds. You cannot hope to change closed minds, and a confrontation will simply make their attitudes more entrenched than ever. You'll just find yourself on their hit list and that's hardly going to make your father feel better.

Instead, stress that your father's ability to continue caring for his wife is greatly strengthened by the support he gets from his new relationship; and that after the turmoil and fear of the last few years a stable home structure is essential to your sister's wellbeing and sense of security. Why, do they have better ideas of how to achieve those important things?

It may be impossible for you to look at these people advocating a continuation of care at home for your mother without thinking "and where were you?" but don't even bother to voice it. "If we had done more to help at the time perhaps our friend wouldn't have had to move just yet" is about the last idea that will enter their heads.

Continue as you have been with one major change. Stop letting what these women do or say bother you. I like Barb's suggestion of "tell them that your father has your complete and loving support". Then leave it at that, don't feed their viciousness.

Could it be that these women are, maybe, trying to help or show caring and compassion for your mom. Don't waste any more of your time or energy trying to figure these women out or understand their action. Take it as it is and leave it at that.

And know it s wonderful that dad has decided to let someone into his life. And more wonderful that you support him. And dad can manage this himself. You do not need to defend him.

It is ok to say "I don't wish to discuss this at this time. It would be helpful if you can respect this right now".

Shortyhan I am amazed at Your maturity and unselfishness for a Girl of only 24 years. You as a Family have done wonderful Caring for Your Mom at home for a few years while She is now in Care and all Her needs are being attended to. When I was young It used to bother me when nosey People commented negatively to or about me but I learned to ignore them like water off a ducks back. Judgemental People are negative, where as We need positivity in Our Lives. You as a Family are very cloce and that is very positive as unity will get You All this difficult time. Keep Your chin up and ignore the tongue waggers.

God bless you for your devotion to ur family, 'Shortyhan'. You're fortunate that your family is 'close knit', & supportive of each other. I do hate the rude invasion of your privacy, by the 'friends' of mom. Sorry to say, it's unlikely those people would listen to reason, nor do they deserve any explanation from you.
It may help to send a representative, (to address the issue with those 'friends'), like a pastor, or social worker: who may have seen this before. Please update us if we can help more. Best wishes to ur family!