My sister and I are having a debate. As Dad's primary caregiver I saw incidences of sundowning on a regular basis. (He passed a yr ago) When she covered for me for 10 days to give me a break, he apparently had no episodes. This gave her inspiration to question his dementia diagnosis and to suggest that "maybe it's your attitude that has Dad acting the way he does with you". (at which point I wanted to strangle her!! lol..)
He was also a perfect angel with her the entire time. Never was abusive with her, never yelled at her, never gave her any trouble. (at which point I wanted to strangle him, lol!)
Is this normal? Can their behaviors adjust like this? I think I have heard that there is something called showboating, where they act on best behavior with non-primary caregivers. Is this a real thing?
If anyone has links verifying the reality of inconsistencies in sundowning, or the reality of showboating please share. I've searched and haven't come up with anything.
thanks,
margie
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i think they tend to save it for the people they are with everyday....maybe they feel safe and so it is OK to just let fly with them?
i know that it was daily with my Dad. The more stressful it was later in the day..the worse it would be. If we have a nurse and a PT in the house in the afternoon....it would be too much for him. But, he always waited till other people left....then all H*ll would break lose.
so, I understand that his usual caregivers would mostly be the only ones to see the “real” deal come diner time.
Secondly, many MANY people like to 'question' a dementia diagnosis in a parent or a loved one because COME ON, not MY mother! Not MY father! Simply not possible his or her mind is no longer working properly. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. I work as a receptionist in a Memory Care community; we have a woman who's one of the worst cases residing there; she cannot speak or remember how to eat, she's very aggressive & snatches food and items right out of other people's hands all the time. She recently snatched another lady's hearing aid out of her hand at ATE it. Seriously. Well, her son says his mother does NOT have dementia & all she needs is the proper care to 'get better'. He now wants her to learn SIGN LANGUAGE, believe it or not, so she can 'be taught to communicate'. Hello. If she remembered how to communicate, she'd speak, like she's done her whole life. She is incapable of being taught ANYTHING new, never mind something as involved as sign language. Try telling HIM that, though.
Thirdly, showboating (I call it Showtiming) is very VERY real indeed. How do I know? My 92 y/o mother is the Queen of it, that's how! I have people asking me all the time what SHE is doing in Memory Care b/c she obviously is FINE and not suffering from dementia at all! Really? How about that! She scored a 10 on the MOCA test, by the way, out of 30. Which means she's past moderate and on the border of SEVERE dementia at this point. But boy she can sure talk a good game based on old muscle memory. Small talk, that is. Chit chat. That's basically what showtimers rely on: the small talk; the "Hi how are you today? My my don't you look lovely? What did you have for lunch?" That kind of thing. Talk that involves no real conversation, no questions that require thought or recall; just small talk.
Here is a link to blog on the topic of showtiming: https://coping.today/what-does-showtime-mean/
And another on showtiming: https://lewywarriors.wordpress.com/2016/02/22/its-showtime/
Nothing you'll read about Sundowning says that it happens 'all the time', because it's erratic. It may happen every night for a week or two, and then not at all for a month or more. There is nothing 'normal' or 'sensible' or 'logical' about dementia at all, and anyone who does not recognize it doesn't have enough experience dealing with a loved one suffering from it.
Your sister is wrong on this one, I'm afraid.
All the best to you, and I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.
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Yaa, denial. It's huge!!!
Sad, isn't it?