How do I handle my mother who has dementia but has not received a diagnosis? She lives 2000 miles away & refuses to talk to me?

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Vdubgirl Asked October 2019

How do I handle my mother who has dementia but has not received a diagnosis? She lives 2000 miles away & refuses to talk to me?

I am an only child and my dad passed in 1983. My mom lives 2000 miles away from me. She lives alone in her condo. She has dementia. We had been estranged for 11 year until 2018 when my 19 y/o son and I got on a plane and visited her. She was not kind to me but was thrilled to see him. The day before we left she told me she wanted to make amends and I was happy to do so. I came home and called her twice a week for several months until she started her verbally abusive behavior again. I have medical and financial POA but she refuses to let me help her. She has no support system and at this point I have no contact person. Her doctor left the practice and I’m not even certain she’s getting any medical care. She has caregivers coming six hours per week to do light housekeeping and grocery shopping. I cannot get any info from them as she has instructed them not to speak to me. I pay all of her bills online and monitor her checking account. She has been scammed out of money twice. I don’t know how to handle this situation and it has caused a lot of stress for me and my family. She has not been kind to me since I got married 29 years ago. She doesn’t acknowledge my birthday or my family at Christmas. She has made it clear that I am not to get one penny of her money/estate. It all goes to my son. A cousin who I am not particularly close to called me last week and said I need to take care of her because she is depressed and doesn’t want to live. She calls him regularly but he lives five hours away from her. He doesn’t want to deal with her. I’m at a loss on what to do. Part of me feels angry yet I don’t want to see my mom hurt. I’m hopeful this website can help me deal with this sad and difficult situation

Alzheimer's & Dementia Long-distance Caregiving Relationships

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score 1 · Answer 1

Vdub, I was the last living kid for my folks, went through much of what you’re describing and then some, from 600 miles away. I won’t go into all the details but just a few points from what I’ve learned over my 6 years of Lone Ranger/Long distance caregiving.

It usually takes a crisis to get stubborn and demented elders into care. For me, mom finally had a bad fall and I moved her directly from hospital to assited living.

You just can’t fix everything. There’s no fixing dementia and illness. You mitigate it the best you can

You can only do as much as elders will allow. I fought with mom and dad over everything, bathing, driving, not eating, filthy house, refusing help.....Then I just quit arguing. Did what I could from the shadows.

None of this is your fault. You have to constantly work to ignore the emotional aspect and deal with the reality. Mom mom was angry with me for placing her in care until her death over a year ago. I’m dealing with it pretty well now.

I just last week moved my dad 600 miles to a nursing home 5 miles from me last week. He’s adjusting pretty well. With his level of dementia we have to constantly divert him, trick him a little to get in the shower and so on. Some days he thinks he’s in a hotel, a ski lodge or maybe a hospital. I just go with his reality.

Take a breath, step back and look at the big picture. You can get through this.

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score 1 · Answer 2

I am also in Ohio and my mom lives in NC. We are the same age. 2 of my 3 younger sibs died young. My remaining sub has schizophrenia and lives in a group home in NC. My mom is technically competent, 90, living alone in a large house, that was once lovely. She has the means for AL, but won’t go. The crisis are to lengthy to get into, but just let me say: I definitely feel your pain

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score 2 · Answer 3

Call Adult Protection Services in her County. As for a "well check". You will get ur answers and records will show you have tried to get her help. Explain ur estranged even though you have POA.

By having POA, if its found she can no longer care for herself, you can have her placed in an AL if she can afford it.

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score 1 · Answer 4

Living alone in a condo with dementia is a recipe for disaster. You being the only child (as I am) means you are THE ONLY person to see to her needs, whether she wants you to or not. At some point, you'll have to get down there to see your mom. If it means a trip to the ER to have her evaluated, then so be it. Since you have POA, you can then get her placed in Assisted Living or Memory Care, or in a Skilled Nursing Facility, depending on the level of care she requires. You'll have to arrange for the sale of her condo so you can use the proceeds to pay for her ongoing care. Like Dolly said, you can ask your son to do the talking with your mom, but at the end of the day, it's YOU who makes the decisions. And having her acting like this is certainly no help at all. UGH.

I think you have to sit down and map out a plan here before disaster strikes and you're forced to do something and have a fire sale, so to speak. Things won't get better with dementia.........they only get worse so NOW is the time to figure out how to get her out of her condo and into a safer care environment for BOTH of you to have peace of mind.

Best of luck!

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Thank you for your reply. I know I am going to be walking into a firestorm and just the thought of it makes me feel extreme anxiety. I fear for my mom’s safety living alone. I had such a good relationship with her NP who saw her monthly mat my mom’s condo. She kept me updated on her care and attempted to make my mom see a neurologist but my mom refused. The the NP left the practice and now no one is doing home visits. The home care director will not speak to me even though she has a copy of the POA and knows my mom has dementia. She says my mom gave a directive to not speak to me. With no official diagnosis, my mom calls the shots and overrides anything I’m doing to help her. It’s exhausting being so far away from her. In April of 2018 I arranged for her to visit a facility. She did so with her nephew who lives 5 hours away. She loved the place and enjoyed her afternoon there. It would have been perfect for her. Three days later the director of the facility called and told me that she had talked to my mom and my mom said she could take care of herself and couldn’t afford to live. Both of those statements were not truthful.

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score 2 · Answer 5

My mother is her twin sister, this is a challenge. I finally stopped talking to my mother 8 years ago, I just couldn't take the abuse anymore. Her son the "Golden Boy" is now stuck with her.

I would suggest that your son deal with her, with you feeding him on the how to's behind the scene. That is basically what I do with my brother, works for us.

My mother also told me she is not leaving me anything because I have enough, whatever that means, she did it with malice and forethought just to hurt me, and it worked. It isn't about the money, it is that I do not matter to her, never have. She has used and abused me all my life.

So very sorry that you are going thru this, I understand.

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Thank you, for your reply. It’s hard to understand how a mother could disown her only daughter and child. The hurt runs deep, doesn’t it? I’m so sorry that you have had the same treatment as I have had.

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score 0 · Answer 6

Wow! Tough call. You may eventually have to make a trip to see her. Do you think she would see you if you went in person?

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

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I did go and see her in 2018. I sent a letter prior to our trip explaining that my son and I would like to visit with her so she wasn’t blindsided by our visit. The first visit did not go well. I tried again the day we were leaving and she was at least civil to me. For three months we talked a couple of times a week and she asked me to help her deal with certain issues that were concerning to her. Out of the blue, she turned on me again. It was ugly and painful. I realize this is part of the disease but my mom has been a hateful stubborn person all her life. I have been trying for 30 years to impress upon her the importance of planning for her later years but she said she could handle her own affairs. She has refused repeatedly to discuss her trust, will, or finances with me. I have spent the last ten years trying to heal our relationship to no avail. My son is a junior in college and barely knows his grandma because she chose not to have a relationship with him. During this time in his life, I do not expect him to get involved with this. My husband is supportive and will do whatever to help with my mom. If anything happens, I know I will be the first one called. I am 64 and dealing with a challenging health issue myself. I have commitments and responsibilities and it’s not that easy for me to fly to Vegas from Ohio and be gone for an extended visit to get everything in order. My mom is so stubborn and hateful Im not sure how much of that I can deal with at present. It would be a complicated and trying time even if my mom and I were on good terms. I truly feel paralyzed when I think about what I’m up against.

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How do I handle my mother who has dementia but has not received a diagnosis? She lives 2000 miles away & refuses to talk to me?

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