My mother has panic attacks when I need care from my physician. What do I do when she reacts like this?

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Nonna5 Asked October 2019

My mother has panic attacks when I need care from my physician. What do I do when she reacts like this?

I am an only child. My stepfather passed six years ago, and my daughter passed away from HBP three months after we moved Mom across the country almost five years ago. Although I can be consulted about my mother's health I do not have medical power of attorney unless she becomes unable to respond. However, God has blessed her at 88 years old with relatively good health, she just has diabetes and she is a cancer survivor. She has the services of CNA, RN, and OT PT as in home care givers. However, she panics if I need care - (cold, head ache, physical therapy (and initiates 911 crisis, she will not use her emergency alert but calls me and yells and demands I help- I call 911 if the complaint requires it. However, she would do this when she lived 1500 miles across the country and my father was alive and able.) So far, nothing is wrong i.e last week I had minor breast surgery and biopsy. I go for my follow up tommorow so send good vibes. Anyway, second night after the surgery my Mother calls me and just yells "Help" and basically is both hysterical and angry. I called 911 and had my granddaughter drive me because of possible seat belt injury to surgical area. Long story short. No evidence of fall, good CT and blood work showing nothing of concern except mildly elevated glucose. I don't know what to do when she reacts like this. It is as if she feels she has to compete for her care, which is excellent, with my health or even that of my children or grandchildren. I am starting to feel guilty about self care and on edge before daily visits, or phone calls. She has dementia, but it is consistent with aging as opposed to disease. I do realize that the move from her large home to an apartment was trumatic, however, she was found parked in the woods near her house with no idea of how she got there so we moved her to her own apartment here.

Anxiety Burnout Family Caregiver Relationships

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score 2 · Answer 1

Take a deep breath and call the Assisted Living Facility. Even though she is "capable of living on her own" you need the community support system for her. She can live a very independent life there, get medication support, and there are staff members who will check on her when you get the panic phone calls. When she calls you for help you call the front desk and ask them to check on her. If there is a real problem they will either take care of it, i.e. call 911 or call you back and say everything is ok.

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score 0 · Answer 2

I’m not going to read anyone’s answers just respond because I do have anxiety and panic attacks sometimes to a point of vomiting and pissing myself at the same time. I can tell you it is a very real “invisible” condition but there are ways to maintain it. First it sounds like your medical attention is a trigger, she has more triggers and they need identified. If you don’t have this condition it’s very hard to understand or empathize with what she is feeling and thinking.
in my opinion you do have the ability to distract her, consider that a luxury. Obviously medication can be used, not ideal but as I age mine have worsened to a point that I foresee unimaginable things happening (I’m talking about the most far fetched crazy things that scare me and I lock up on my bed for hours) so please don’t dismiss her anxiety. Ask Dr if she could benefit from medication, keep your own medical situation to yourself and by all means HANDLE your health and well-being first and foremost without guilt.
i can tell you 1 single thing that can help... warm-hot blankets. Rotate 2 in the dryer and swaddle her until her temperature is past warm. It’s the only non medicinal way I’ve pulled myself and others out of it. If she starts having physical symptoms it’s going to be bad, head shaking, cold hands, pacing, crying. Wrap her in hot blankets until she relaxes, normally I will not get another one in the same day. It’s certainly no cure all but it works well on everyone I’ve shared it with. Bless you for all you are handling, I hope it helps even in the smallest way so you can concentrate on you.

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score 2 · Answer 3

I second what others have said. Just wanted to say that I wish you well.

It is an annoying feeling, to feel like you do not have privacy. I guess small towns are charming in some ways and annoying in other ways.

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score 2 · Answer 4

You are now the adult, and need other people to talk things out in your own health, not Mom. Can she take a small amt. of an anti-anxiety med on her own, or is that too dangerous to have available?

I am sorrry for your loss of a daughter. How awful. Yes, you need self care. Rest, care for self, no matter what is going on with mother, because she'll need you later.

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Thank you. My Mother is capable of living on her own, and she does have medication and professional home health. Thank you for your kind words.

(1)

score 3 · Answer 5

Have you thought that maybe she is afraid to lose you. Then who will be there for her.

You say you went to live with her when she was 31? So this means you didn't always live with Mom?

I would not tell her anything concerning your health. I would also ask your doctors office not to mention your appts to her. Which they shouldn't anyway.

Helpful Answer (3)

I was raised by my Mom's elder sister from two weeks until I was ten. The transfer from one set of parents to new parents was not pleasant. I agree she may feel threatened, especially as my daughter passed away so unexpectedly and so close to my stepfather's passing. Mom already knew about the biopsy, (and I am glad I choose to discuss this with her, because initially I had opted out of surgery option and the advice she gave me was spot on) as she is a cancer survivor. , However, as to the results I opted to tell her a partial truth, that I do require any more surgery. And the home visit helpers, especially her CNA, are above average, Mom was in good spirits and insisting she wanted to do her own laundry, etc. Which means she no longer feels anxious. Thank you for your advice. It was not the Doctor's office that alerted her to problems, but OT and PT were held in open spaces. I learned the hard way not schedule our sessions on the same day, but that was my fault. Other than family history questions, the Doctor's did not share info with her. Thank you again for your thoughtful answer

(0)

score 2 · Answer 6

Nonna,
It is excellent advice to see your own doctors, and to keep your info private, even down to the appointment time.

Have an excellent check up!

Helpful Answer (2)

Thank you. As I said this is small town, we have the same medical group. I did make the error of scheduling our PT/OT sessions together to save time. I have changed that habit. However, because my Mom is a cancer survivor and because she can be totally thoughtful about matters I did ask her some questions as I was reluctant for surgical removal of suspicious tissue and she gave me excellent advice. She is pretty sharp, usually, and most people, including my family and her caregivers have noted that she becomes more... vulnerable the minute I walk through the door. But I will keep my concerns from her the best I can. Thank you again

(2)

score 3 · Answer 7

Dementia is a disease in and of itself; it is not 'consistent with aging' and your mother is displaying lots of the typical signs of dementia. Don't brush it off as mere 'age related decline', but consider it to be the devastating and serious condition it TRULY is. That said, what your mother is doing is responding to your crisis with one (or more) of her OWN, in typical dementia style. Like CWillie said, stop telling your mother what's going on in YOUR life, and keep it all light and fluffy when speaking to her. NEVER, under any circumstances, should you say ANYTHING to her that will potentially cause hysteria. My mother is exactly the same way as yours, so I tell her NOTHING she does not 'have to' hear. The less said, the better, as a general rule. Because what you do say will be exaggerated, blown totally out of proportion, and used to create a crisis where one does not exist. It's all about THEM, don't forget, because dementia creates an 'all about ME' situation like no other. They can't see past the tip of their own nose anymore. I remember when my Aunt was in the final stages of dementia and making lots of calls to 911 yelling 'help' for no good reason. Her phone had to be taken away from her, eventually, for obvious reasons.

In time, you may need to consider Assisted Living or Memory Care for your mother. In such a community, she will have 24/7 care which is not available at home. Plus, living alone for ANY part of the day/night is never a good idea for a person in your mother's state of mind; it's dangerous!

Best of luck!

Helpful Answer (3)

The "consistent with aging" was the neurologist term not mine. The Doctor saw no evidence of disease (Alzheimer's, Parkinson's or other deterioration) related dementia after a brain scan. Mom has memory loss (where are my keys, phone, trouble with names, bit recognizes familiar faces, and time of day) more pointedly when her BG are low. Still she aces those memory cognitive test each time. However, I do see changes as behavior disorders that were present when my Mom was younger have grown more apparent, so in essence you are correct. And I do understand that her long standing anxiety disorder is affected by dementia. I did try to keep some things from her this is a small town. The care givers visit collectively about four days a week, but Mom is capable of basic self care, washing up or quick bathing, combing her hair, microwaving food or cooking small meals. She has automated reminder for meals. The main concern for her living alone was making sure she get her insulin but they were able to successfully give her a substitution that is working. Thank you again for your response.

(1)

score 4 · Answer 8

Sorry - just to go back a bit. Your mother has CNA, RN, OT and PT as in-home caregivers; but is your mother ever alone in her home? Is there somebody responsible in the house at all times?

If not, move her again, this time to a place where there is someone on duty 24/7 such as a nice ALF.

If so, let whoever is in charge be in charge, and do not answer your mother's calls "out of hours" (and you decide on the hours).

I do not know how you are making decisions about what to do at the moment. For example, I cannot understand how a person can decide:

to call 911 (whatever did you tell the call handler?)
then to call her granddaughter
then to have herself driven to the scene of the ? emergency for which she had just called 911
in spite of needing to avoid pressure on a post-op site
and deciding therefore not to wear a seat belt.

What were the good outcomes that you were aiming for from any one of these decisions? Regardless of what actually happened (your mother was fine, thank God), what benefit or solution did you believe your actions would accomplish at the time? Please note: these are not rhetorical questions and I am not being rude. I genuinely think you would find it interesting and helpful to reflect on what actions you took, and on what the aim of them was, and then lastly on whether what you did was likely to result in what you wanted.

Your mother has dementia. She cannot be held responsible for anything that she does, nor for "planning" what she does. I suspect it is your anxiety that she's picking up on, possibly even your anticipation that she will "play up" when you are most under stress. This would be an almost perfect example of the self-fulfilling prophesy.

There are, judging by your account, several responsible family members and professionals who are able to take good care of your mother; and you must learn to let them. If you need help to step away from the drama, regain perspective, and build more effective boundaries, find a therapist who will work with you on better responses to your mother's behaviour.

Helpful Answer (4)

My mother suffered from a couple of MI conditions before aging, and frankly her behavior at 88 behavior towards me is little different than her behavior at 31 (which was her age when I went to live with her.) For this reason, I think your advice to step back and allow the professionals to step is best, for both of our well being. You have not said anything to me that my own living child and grandchildren have not said to me. My Granddaughter lectured me all the way to my Moms on the night in question. I have been avoiding the assisted living situation, mainly because she does not want to go, however, because of the nature of our relationship there is no way in heaven or hell we can live in the same house. We are due to speak to a social worker and tour the local facilities. Thank you for your matter of fact response.

(3)

score 11 · Answer 9

Stop confiding in her, she doesn't need to know when you have a doctor's appointment - if you have to take time off from your regular calls/visits make up a plausible excuse. This isn't lying, it's preserving your sanity and her serenity.

Helpful Answer (11)

I live in a small town. To save time I was scheduling appointments together but that turn out to be a nightmare in the physical therapist office so I started scheduling on different days. And some of my medical history is part of her medical history. And frankly, most of the time she can be rational. But I think you have a point.

(1)

My mother has panic attacks when I need care from my physician. What do I do when she reacts like this?

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