What to do for a friend age 83 with health issues and no support from his sons nearby, causing him depression?

Do you know the sons yourself? How long has the father been your friend?

Unless you're familiar with the family's history (and not only from the father's perspective), you would be wise to come to no conclusions at all about the rights and wrongs of the sons' attitude. Do you, for example, even know for a fact that they know about the surgery?

I should start by encouraging him simply to call them, whether for a chat or to ask them over, and take it from there.

Might be time for AL, a chance to meet new people his own age and socialize. His sons have shown him who they are, he needs to believe them, they will not be there for him.

Do you have the sons contact information? Know where they live? If so if I were you I might contact them. Tell them dad is a little blue and you wanted to know how you could help. Then listen closely and you’ll probably be able to tell what the situation is between father and sons. I would call all three because the problem may be with one another and not with dad or one might be more receptive than the other.

Tell them you don’t want to interfere but before you did anything else you wanted to make sure they knew he had been in the hospital etc.

Some elders will tell you one thing and their family members another. Don’t assume the sons know what’s going on even if your friend said they do. It’s very difficult for some adult children to see their parent as needy or vulnerable.

I had a dear friend who didn’t want to “bother” her only child, a son. She insisted I not contact him when she passed out in a grocery store and was taken to a hospital. The only reason I knew was because each fall, another friend and I would make a trip to see her. We arrived and she wasn’t home. We had just spoken with her the day before. The neighbor told us she was in the hospital. We went to the hospital where she insisted we not call her son. We did anyway. At that time she didn’t appear to have dementia. Primarily she was malnourished and in pain with a hip that needed replacement. She had the hip replacement scheduled but had to get stronger. So we bought it to a degree.

A few years later on another trip she was very confused. We knew she needed help. As her friend I wanted to help but again I didn’t want to overstep. We sent the son emails with our observations. Heard nothing back. We would check on her and with the neighbor.

Finally the neighbor called him and gave him some specific incidents that finally got his attention. He gained guardianship, moved her next door to him and then into his home.

She had Alz and died within three years of our first contacting him. He was concerned and well able to help her but didn’t see her often enough to see through the front she would put up.

He was busy living his life and running a successful business. Overseas much of the time. But still he wanted his mom taken care of. He was just clueless on how to get her to cooperate. Part of her mission in life was not to interfere in his. She did a good job on that.

So you will have to decide if your friendship can handle your talking to the sons and if that’s a step you want to take. It’s not as easy for you to ignore your friend who you see as it might be for the sons who are perhaps estranged with good reason.
You are a good friend to be checking on options and it does take time to heal from surgeries. If your friend can afford it, encourage him to hire help.

Maybe its time your friend sells his home. Takes the proceeds and goes to an assisted living. He shouldn't wait until the house is in such disrepair he can't fix it up. For a sick man, trying to keep the grounds up is tooLo much. Independent living would be cheaper if he can take care of himself. Some provide meals.

I would call your County Office of Aging and see what resources they have. Mine has buses for appts and doctor visits. Does ur friend get Medicaid for health insurance? They also provide transportation and homecare. If he doesn't receive Medicaid then I would check it out. He may qualify for homecare. He would get an aide a few hours a day, maybe.

As a friend, I would do what I could but not get too involved. He may start depending on you and you are really not in a position to represent him. He needs a POA to handle his finances and medical. I wouldn't take on this responsibility if ur about the same age.

If family doesn't want to get involved, then the State may end up having to. If you know the sons, you may want to call them and tell them Dad needs help. If they don't respond and things get worse, you may need to call APS and say there is a vulnerable adult. If ur friend ends up in the hospital again, let the Social Worker know there is no one to care for him. They cannot release him to an unsafe home.

I would imagine that the sons behavior is not much of a change from how things were before the aging, depression and surgeries. Can't make them want to help. Help your friend, but do NOT get in the middle of it.

Has he talked to his doc re the depression? Not uncommon to get depressed after surgery and/or if in pain. An anti-depressant can help.

Is he able to live alone safely? If so, maybe he needs to at least get in touch with a home health agency and get some home services so that he can stay independent?

Is there a good Senior Center in your area?  If so, you might want to visit, see what's available, bring home a newsletter and see if he's interested.  

The socialization would be good for him, and the Center may have access to small bus or paratransit services that could pick him up and return him home.  

I would agree that it's not always a good idea to become involved in family affairs, particularly if there are disinterested sons.   You might want to just raise the issue with them, once, but  back off if they don't respond favorably.     But I wouldn't do this w/o discussing it first with your friend.

Is he mobile?  Can he go to other activities that he might enjoy, such as group efforts to reach out to people in need?   Packing groceries?   Charities might give him a sense of purpose if he lacks that.

While it’s noble of you to want to try to help your friend, I don’t think it’s necessarily a good idea to meddle between family members. It is up to your friend to reach out to his sons & ask for help. It is extremely unlikey that you know his sons situations so you cannot assume that they are able to help their father. As far as his depression, his sons aren’t responsible for that and they can’t fix it. That’s something HE has to work on. His sons helping out isn’t going to magically make his depression go away. That’s just now how depression works.

If you’re a close family friend and you’ve known his sons for years, then yeah I don’t think it would be a bad thing to reach out but don’t stick yourself in the middle.

if your friend needs help, maybe you can help him arrange home care. Suggest he call the area on aging for a needs assessment & they will determine what services he needs and qualifies for.

His sons should only help if they want to and if their family circumstances allow. There may be past issues that cause them to not want to help.

You can't force his sons to care about their father. And you can't blame the sons for their dad's depression. Ultimately we control how we feel and how we react to circumstances. Recognizing that he is depressed is his first step toward recovery. Have you talked to him about depression?

Winter is coming, and the first snow is imminent. His depression will get worse if he does nothing. What kinds of surgeries?

You are a good friend to be concerned. Are you part of a service organization or house of worship? Can you help your friend get involved?