hello, this is my first post here and I hope I’m posting this properly. My father had a heart attack last year, and has congestive heart failure, stage two. He seemed to be doing great, even at his age (84) and he worked up until February of this year, when he got laid off (not because of his illness, but his job got rid of his position) That’s when everything went down hill quickly. I’m disabled myself, and I have very bad chronic pain that makes it hard for me to do much, and my father is able to move around, he goes to the bathroom on his own, drives very well and is sharp as a tack...but he just refuses to do anything. I’ve asked him to at least clean up after himself, he refuses. He calls me on the phone at 3am, 4am to get him something to drink when he’s closer to the kitchen than I am. He won’t shave, he won’t change his clothes and if I ask him to, he refuses or just flat out ignores me.
I even asked him one day why he ignores me, and he said because I repeat the same thing over and over again and when I said it’s because he doesn’t listen, he turned the TV up louder. My house is a mess, and it’s too big for me to handle alone. Every one I’ve tried to reach out to about this says I’m being cruel for being angry and frustrated and that I should treasure these moments, and that it’s the best time of my life to care for my father.
It's hard to treasure anything because he ignores me, treats me like a maid and ignores me when I’m in obvious pain and need some help...I don’t ask him to do anything heavy, just small things to make things easier...
he is the only parent I’ve got left (I took care of my mother from the age of 6 until she died when I was 17) and I just am so full of resentment that it hurts sometimes. Is that normal? Has anyone else been through anything like this? I feel so alone, and I have no one around to talk to.
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It is perfectly normal to feel as you do and I don’t know how you could possibly feel any other way.
A few words come to mind to describe your situation for me, ‘taking advantage.’ Would you agree? Or how about, ‘taken for granted?’ That one works too.
Make a plan for your future. Give your dad a few possibilities if you like, if not he will figure it out. Leave the phone number of a social worker or another qualified professional on aging with him if that makes you feel better.
You are compassionate and I appreciate that. You have gone above and beyond what you should have. You have done more than your share and I feel that you are aware of this.
I wish you the very best life has to offer. You deserve it. You are an angel! You are not cruel and you are not selfish. It’s called ‘survival.’ You need to prepare a way for your own survival.
You are typical and a classic caregiver that has been so consumed by your father’s care that you have neglected your own life. Make changes to improve your life soon.
im sorry for rambling on. It’s just nice to talk to people who understand what I’m going through.
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GET OUT OF THERE RIGHT AWAY and don't look back. See what kind of low income or subsidized housing you qualify for and get the ball rolling asap. Your father is the one who's being cruel here, not you, and I wonder who's gonna be putting up with his brand of BS once you're out of there?
You have every right to feel angry and resentful, as anyone in your position would. Love and respect is a two way street......you are giving it all and getting nothing in return.
It's your turn to find happiness now and to start caring for YOURSELF. You deserve to.
All the best....hugs
all the best to you too.
Believe me, I've read posts on this forum from people in desperate situations. After their parents died, they very quickly became homeless, jobless, and penniless. Don't put yourself in that situation.
You need an actionable PLAN asap because if you need low-income housing, it usually has a long wait list (years not month.) Better you start NOW.
There are many people here who know the ropes and can give you guidance. Just ask your questions with as much details as possible and we'll be glad to help.
Also, it's better you ask your questions in a new post so that you will like get more responses.
One more thing, it is NOT cruel to take care of yourself. Whoever tells you otherwise is the cruel one.
Do you CARE what other people think? In my book, one of the tricks of leading a happy life is not caring.
get on public housing, and get out of there.
tell him...his beneficiaries can take care of him from now on.
Your dad is 84 years old and has had a heart attack. His chances of getting another one is high. What will you do after he dies? Do you have a plan?
Is this dad's house or yours?
You sound VERY normal to me; the people around you sound crazy.
I feel extremely used by him. After my mom died he worked constantly and for ten years I was unable to leave the house because of it, he never wanted to take me anywhere (I am medically unable to drive). We went on one road trip once a year and that was it. That’s about the only time I got out of the house. Now with all of this he absolutely never wants to go anywhere and it’s like pulling teeth trying to urge him to go to the doctor’s.