How do I get over the shame I'm feeling of being an enabler to my husband's ALZ-dementia bad habits?

Dementia and Alzheimer's are diseases....not something a person has a choice about, or control over. So what you are calling " bad habits" is something your husband cannot help, something he's entirely unaware of, and something he's not doing on purpose or to embarrass you. You are not "enabling" him, rather dealing with his issues to the best of your ability, when you think about it logically. Dementia sufferers cannot follow instructions.....they are unable to do so, even when reminded a million times.

That said, your hubby now requires more help and more care than you are qualified or capable of giving him. That's okay, too......you are not alone. Most people cannot handle this disease once it progresses to a certain point, it's just TOO MUCH.

So don't look at placing him as something to feel guilty about, or something shameful, or with negativity of any kind. Look at it as a Godsend. He will finally be with others who are in the same boat, with a care staff 24/7 to see to all of his needs, and to help manage his toileting and behavioral needs. It's the right thing to do. You can visit as much as you like and still maintain a life of your own. It's a win win situation.

Best of luck

Can you place him in permanent care? Has he been assessed and approved for this if so, do it. If not , get started. Ask your children to help you do this. Forget the guilt. Total waste of time and energy. I don’t think it will take long for placement because of the sanitary concerns. Start with your GP or those who are currently dealing with your husband. It does not matter if he sits there with his bag all day every day. He must stay there as you MUST let him. This situation is only going to get worse. Please get moving with this

You should not feel shame or guilt about something over which you have no control. Chances are, kids, family and friends have lovingly tried to explain to you what you’ve been told here and you have resisted. You’ve hidden his disabilities (“misdeeds”) and tried to make it look like everything is ok when it’s not. He is not a misbehaving, contrary child and this situation will only get worse.

Enlist the help of your children and family to explore your options. File for Medicaid if you need to, with their help. Ask them to accompany you on tours of facilities. Ask his doctor for help as well to determine exactly what he needs. You will be doing the best you can to help him, and yourself.

Place him in a home, you are losing your entire family and friends because of him, to me, that makes no logical sense.

You are in over your head, enabling is not the answer, it only makes everything worse.

So sorry that your husband is in such poor condition. It sounds like an utterly horrible situation, for both of you.

You should NOT be feeling shame. And you do not have ANY control over your husband's behavior. And his behavior is pretty intolerable, IMHO.

I think it is time for you to consider placing him somewhere. This is WAY too much for you to handle on your own.

This is really not a healthy way for you to live.