How can I deal with resentment of my Mom with dementia?

The biggest step in being able to deal with "dementia mom" has to occur within your own mindset. If your mother had been in an auto accident and lost both her legs below the knees, would you be mad at her for not being able to easily walk anymore? Would you resent the active Mom wasn't around anymore? Be mad because she asked your help to get out of a chair? Dementia means your mother's brain is broken. In some ways it still works but it fails partially or completely in others. Personality changes are present in almost all dementia patients. Vascular dementia changed my father's personality so much he would scream about how much he hated me, wanted me gone, and even hoped I died before he did in very vulgar detail; absolutely nothing like the man who raised me. Eventually I was able to separate "my dad" from "dementia dad" in my mind and heart; they were two different people. Dementia dad was a shell with my dad's voice, but not his words, values, or personality. I didn't like dementia dad but sometimes when I spent time with dementia dad, my dad would make a brief appearance.

Grieve for real mom, because she is nearly as gone as if her physical body had already died. Don't feel guilty about disliking dementia mom, but realize real mom didn't choose to become dementia mom. I cannot explain how exactly, but I was able to tolerate dementia dad into the mid to advanced transition stages on a daily basis by concentrating on the "he didn't choose this" and "he needs my help". Later in the advanced stage, the emotional cost was higher than I could bear and I only visited for a couple of hours once a week after he was placed in MC.

You may be able to establish a new relationship with dementia mom, at least for a while. Maybe looking at old photographs and while Mom tells you about the people and places in them. Sing-a-longs with hymns or other songs you enjoyed together during your childhood? Having her back scratched or lotions applied? Combing her hair?

Leaving mom alone in her room too much may actually make her more aggressive tendencies worse. Consider an adult day care or bringing her into the kitchen or living room while you read or watch television (older shows watched during their adult-hoods seem to work best). Often you do not need to interact with your LO all that much just share the space.

You also need to find some methods of reducing or relieving your stress - quick ones and some with longer timeframes. Drinking a cup of coffee while you enjoy the view or peace of a deck or porch. Taking a walk around the house/yard or the block. Deep breathing or a soaking bath. Time off duty during adult day care, in home care hours or a relative giving you a break, even a respite week at a local MC. When you are less stressed, it is easier to tolerate dementia mom.

BTW: When she says the craziest thing ever, "That's nice" and "Really?" are completely appropriate responses!

Oh how I feel for you!

You lose your proper mother and you get this nutsoid mannequin instead, and she smells, and she constantly needs things from you, and every time she falls or she cries or she turns a peculiar colour it is ALL YOUR FAULT. You've got grief, loss, guilt, stress and resentment all rolled into one, and you didn't volunteer, and it isn't fair.

Two different perspectives to try:

1. If she weren't your mother, if she were some other equally helpless little old lady who you had to take responsibility for - never mind why - for, say, the next two years, how would you want to treat her?

2. If someone else were being you and taking care of your mother, how would you want that person to behave around her?

It was the falls risk that turned me into a screeching harridan. Mother had a call button. Every time you explained that she must press it before getting up from her chair, she would solemnly nod and agree and promise for next time. Then you'd turn your back and she'd be off on her travels, tottering along to the bathroom and bouncing off the walls. Cue self leaping up and down and tearing hair and shrieking "WHY - ?" and explaining all over again; and mother had one response "oh, I didn't want to bother you."

The penny half dropped when I realised that, no, she didn't want ME bothering HER.

And then fully dropped when I realised that she did not in fact use her call button because the mental process involved was beyond her. She didn't because she couldn't.

Anyway, that's quite enough from me - are you getting any respite at all? When did you last have a decent night's sleep and some time to yourself and an ordinary social conversation with a non-demented adult?

I pray every night that my poor Mother dies in her sleep. She was a high school math teacher who could do calculus in her head. Now she does not know even what 2+2 means, never mind knowing the answer. Dementia is a total thief of anything "normal". My mother falls on her face a lot because she does not know that she is supposed to put her hands out to stop the fall. Memory Care doctor got her one-on-one physical therapy to stop the falling and it has been six months since the last fall. I keep telling myself that is NOT my Mother, because Alzheimer's has robbed her of any common sense. My aunt called me and said my Mother will not talk to her on the phone anymore, but my Aunt does not realize my Mother does not know what she is supposed to do with the phone. Memory Care told me my Mother has to be prompted to eat. Basic life skills are gone. I really pray that she dies soon because she is just wasting away. I feel guilty about this and try to remember the good times. I like this forum because it makes me know there are other loving daughters in the same miserable boat. GOD BLESS and pray for peace.

Accepting that a much-loved parent has become how you describe your mother as being is just about impossible. Please don’t punish yourself if you cannot do it. I never did and I am still resentful of what happened to my own mother and she’s been gone for 3 years. Every so often, a ray of sunshine will come through my dark thoughts about her and I will remember something wonderful or kind she did. It brings me some peace. But, like you, I tend to dwell on the times I visited her and she went on and on (graphically) about sex or was in a nasty mood or a space cadet. It helped a lot when people on this forum told me her “brain was broken” and she was not the person she was. She could not help the things she said or did. And if her former self could look at herself now, she’d be devastated and mortified by what she’d become. It helped me find some compassion. We are not prepared to handle this stuff and we shouldn’t punish ourselves because of that.

If there is any help available to you, take advantage of it, whether it’s help through her insurance, your church, your family, friends or community. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask about what’s offered to you. Good luck. I understand exactly how you feel.

I don't think there is any real way to deal with the resentment that goes hand in hand with caring for a mother with dementia, especially when you live with her. If you get her placed into a Memory Care community, you can get rid of the chip on your shoulder, but if you're like most who post here, it would be replaced with 'guilt' instead. My mother lives in Memory Care, where she's well cared for, well fed, has plenty of activities to participate in, and I suffer no guilt as a result. I visit her weekly & my husband and I take her out to dinner so she can eat to her hearts content, which makes her happy. I also take her lots of snacks and treats to keep in her room, because she loves to eat. The resentment is kept to a minimum this way as we each have our own lives.

Just something for you to consider; even if you don't wind up getting her into Memory Care, just knowing the OPTION exists can sometimes help with resentment.

Best of luck

No real answers......I also hate that my mom has dementia and I have become her 24/7 help. I try to take breaks as often as possible, look for happiness and joy somewhere else and deal with mom. I find solace in humor, watch Seth Myers...Trevor Noah..etc. I try to exercise & work p/time (am terrified I have to stop working to care for mom..). Now winter is coming here in the northeast, I cannot even take mom out for walks.....

Take comfort that you are not alone and vent away here...

Omg you are living my life except she stopped eating or drinking without constant reminders or feeding. She's an incontinent un speaking zombie who still walks. I'm invisible to her. Her only though is to get out. Will move or walk over anything in her way to try to open a door. Only other movement is to try to get back into bed. I have constant annoyance, resentment, anger, impatience. I don't cry I shout and I think I'm getting an ulcer from the stress of doing everything alone. My sister is putting her in a facility in 2 months and thinks it will all be fine. I'm the one who dealt with the awful financial situation due to my brother stealing everything and daily read up on the disease. My sister does not understand what I've been through nor does she know what's ahead for her. I've tried all the positive mind set but I still cannot justify/accept her behavior, how she got I to this situation or control my anger. Sorry for what you are going through. I think your reaction is completly normal and those care givers with more understanding and patience are way better people than I am.

hi Misseverything. I'm in tears with your post because I feel the same about my mom. Unfortunately mine goes a little deeper as my mom watched my sister and I get abused mentally and physically by our dad. And didn't do anything to stop him. most likely out of fear herself, she has always said she didn't know about the sexual abuse but I wonder how she could not, as there were many signs. So all that said and I apologize for anyone that might trigger or offend, I have blocked most of my childhood but from what I can recall my mom never told us she loved us, never hugged us as she hasn't her grandkids or great grandkids either unless they say it first. When my daughter (moms first grandchild) was a toddler I would say go give grandma a hug and say I love you, my mom would hug her but it took years for her to say she loved her back. My Grandparents didn't say it or give hugs. So I can't say I miss my cool beautiful mother. I miss the mother that I had normal conversations with and that I took on vacations and to stores etc. I've tried so very hard to try and touch her, or put my arm around her, say I love you. It's just not there for me to want to as sad and horrible as that sounds. For the first few months I did once in awhile but since she's worse and calls me names and wants to argue constantly and smells from fighting me about showers, and wears me out from having to yell for her to hear the same repeated questions/answers over and over and over (because she won't wear her hearing aids) or that I don't want half of her food but thank you, but saves it for me anyways, it's harder to try and be close to her. I hold her elbow when I'm walking her to the car, I pat her on the legs when I tuck her in bed, I put ointment on her neck and legs where she hurts, I get her all her needs day and night and ask if she needs anything all day long, and at night but that's about it. There's no hugs or love felt sadly. So I understand how you feel. I am sorry we both and all on here are going through similar situations. Dementia is the devils son. Prayers and best wishes and hugs to you

Dementia is horrific. Your mom is gone and some stranger is left behind.

I do not blame you one bit for feeling resentful. And for not being able to muster up the patience to deal with her. Oh, the being hard of hearing is mind numbing too! It's, IMHO, very boring dealing with a person like this. You can not have a conversation and have to deal with all kinds of bizarre situations. Who signs up for something like this??

You MUST get some help and some respite care! You're burnt out and that's really bad for both of you.

Unless you can get enough help at home, I would look into having her placed somewhere. She is not your mom anymore. She is a sad and broken shell of the person she used to be. Part of what you're feeling is probably grief for what you have lost.

Since your mom is so far gone, I guess it to be quite unlikely that she realizes how hard this is on you, etc. So as long as you are providing for her basic needs, I do not think you need to indulge in feeling guilty. What you're doing is impossible!

Be kind to yourself.

I’m in total agreement. My mother raised four children on her on with no help from any government agency or any child support. Her strength and personality were uppermost in her daily life. I have to assist in her personal cleanliness by being right there in the bathroom and literally telling her step by step what to do. I had a difficult time in the beginning telling her she smelled but I don’t now. She is my child that has to be shown literally everything! Patience is not easy as I have so many to do things and I feel like I’m always late and never get anything done. That’s when I have to challenge my thoughts and say,”is that the truth?” The answer is no it isn’t. Guilt has a way of creeping into my life constantly and again I challenge the thought. I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got, just me. Never let your thoughts take you to a place of doubt and resentment, it’s exactly what works against us. I try to think of what my mother went through with us four kids. I’m sure she had guilt over a lot of her decisions and resentments of never having time for herself or even money to buy a new pair of shoes. But we made it and so did she. I’m going to make it and so are you, we have been chosen to help our parent because WE ARE AS SPECIAL AS THEY ARE!! You can do it, even in bad times, believe in your purpose for just today, let tomorrow take care of itself. If you must beat yourself up use a feather, it’ll make you laugh and goodness knows sure need that. Hope I’ve helped you, make a great day🤗