I wrote in not too long ago. My mom had stroke and UTI and was in hospital 3 times and 1 rehab. She came home few days ago WORSE. Any advice?

UTI's are often overlooked as a source of real misery amongst our LOs. My MIL had one, became just delirious and by the time she was pretty far into it, she fell and was Ambulanced to the ED. She has developed pneumonia along with the UTI. She did recover, but not near to her baseline, which, while not "awesome" by any means, is OK for her to return home after 6 weeks in rehab. She is now angry and combative and although cured of the UTI and URI, she has changed, personality-wise.

She's back home, but on conditions she work to get stronger and allow in home care.

Never a fan of mine, I do not have contact with her--so my DH and his sis are caring for her. (sad laughter) SIL is carrying the full burden as DH cannot stand to be around his mother. I have offered to do meals that can be microwaved that would be better than MOW's but have been rebuffed. I am not allowed at her home, so I have to sit on the sidelines and try to keep from smacking my DH. I've explained to him fifty times how quickly he could get her some healthy, pre-prepared meals by just using the local whole foods store, but he won't.


She's not my monkey, not my problem, but, oh I am so ashamed of DH.

Lately MIL has been posting everyday or so on FB about death and drying and getting old. She's seriously depressed, but at age 89, I don't know what can be done to help her.

It really IS time to discuss Palliative care with her---or at least moving to a place where she can be monitored 24/7. She won't do it and her kids won't push.

Age is the thing that we cannot reverse. I think that between her doctor's assessment and hospice eval you will get a good idea. And yes, when you accept hospice you are recognizing that the end is nearing. That you are prepared now to render care for COMFORT nor for any cure. This is palliative care, and comfort needs are the ones addressed. You should tell them that you do not understand what having hospice means. Part of hospice is their willingness to explain it to you. I am sorry that you are having a hard time accepting that your Mom may be nearing her end. As an old retired RN I can tell you that they get tired. They honestly get so tired. There is no up from all of this. It is loss and indignity on top of loss and indignity. Seek help for yourself if you need some counseling to help in this tough transition. I am so sorry for your grief.

Dear Karyll;

I'm so sorry that you and mom are going through this. Your experience with your mom declining after each hospitalization is what led my brothers and me to consider Hospice care; we realized that taking mom to the hospital was slowly killing her.

At that point, we signed off on Palliative Care, which is what I believe the A.I.M program is; see this link: https://www.sutterhealth.org/services/palliative-advanced-illness-management/advanced-illness-management-aim

Make a list of questions for the hospice nurse/evaluator to answer. Hospice and/or palliative care is NOT giving up; it's getting your mom extra care and reduction of symptoms. You stop the unnecessary testing, poking and pinching. You stop trying to "cure" the uncurbable.

Yes, it is a heart-wrenching decision to make, because you face the reality of losing your parent. But in the end, the care was all about mom and not about doctor's egos and cures.