Chacaretoomuch8 Asked November 2019

Needs more help that I can give. What options do I have?

My father had a massive stroke that caused him not to speak and have mental issues. I have Conservatorship over him and after his hospital stay from the stroke he was admitted to rehab. The rehab had wanted to transfer him to nursing home care but I thought I could take care of him. I was wrong. He needs way more help then I can give him. I wasn’t aware he had mental issues until last month. He’s put feces on my wall, floor, etc.. He plays with it. He uses the bathroom on himself. He can take short walking distance. He can’t talk. His right hand is really weak and doesn’t really use it. He exposes himself naked to my children and gets agitated. He was hospitalized in October for pneumonia and fluid around his heart. He was hospitalized in November for colon infection and fluid around his heart again. I explained to his caseworker he needed long term care because I’m not able to take care of him. Plus his doctor ordered him to go to skilled rehab from the hospital. Is what was discussed. Now His case manager waits a week later to tell me he was denied skilled rehab from his insurance (Medicaid). She said he can get in-home care but he doesn’t have a home. He temporarily lives with me and I can’t bring him back to my home. I’m not understanding because my father can’t do anything for himself at least that’s what he acts like. He doesn’t even think to take a bath unless you tell him to. His doctor said he has early stage of dementia and that’s why he’s been acted the way he’s been acting. I don’t feel like he’s safe at my home. It’s only a matter of time he gets agitated and go in the kitchen and mess with my oven or walk outside and try to leave. He needs 24 hour care that I can’t give. I have to go back to work and I have young babies. She said once he’s ready to be discharged if I don’t get him I can be charged with abandonment. What are my options if the doctor is saying he needs long term care?

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You are being strong-armed by his Case Manager to force you to bring him into your home to care for him. The next time she says you can be charged with abandonment, tell her the facility could be charged with an unsafe discharge.

Go to her supervisor and explain whats what’s going on. Your father cannot come to your home. It’s not safe for any of you, especially your children. You are not medically trained to deal with his physical and mental issues. The Case Manager or her supervisor needs to find a facility that accepts Medicaid for him. Explain in no uncertain terms that if they don’t cooperate you will be contacting Adult Protective Services.

Helpful Answer (17)

I don’t know the fine print about conservator responsibilities, but I have real doubts about whether you could be charged with abandonment in the circumstances you are describing. Next time she says it, ask her to give it to you in writing on letterhead. If she won’t, tell her that you don’t believe it, she is threatening you. Threatening to accuse someone of a crime if they don’t do something, is usually within the crime of blackmail.

Helpful Answer (16)

I am not intending to be rude but the OP is in the United States and you are not. I hate to break it to you and the OP but.....under Tennessee law,
a conservator of an adult is legally responsible for providing supervision, protection and assistance. It her legal duty to make sure her dad has proper care. So yes, the social worker is right. Elder abandonment in this country and the state of TN is when a person who has assumed responsibility for an elder deserts that individual. The OP needs to get her dad in to a nursing home. It’s her responsibility. Conservatorship in this country is something you obtain through the court and it is no joke. She is legally responsible for her dad.

(11)

Helpful Answer (15)

Agree with Ahmijoy 100%. Please follow her advice. It is an unsafe environment in your home for both your father and your family. The case manager is trying to scare you but you will not be charged with anything. You do not have the resources to care for him and you must work to earn a living for your family, tell the case worker she needs to do her job and find an open bed in a skilled nursing facility.

Helpful Answer (15)

I think that I would be calling the social worker's supervisor.

You have vulnerable children in the house and he is a danger to them. Your home is not a safe discharge plan, period. Repeat as needed.

I would put a letter together that has the doctors recommendations for long term care, that you can not safely care for him in your home and that he is a threat to your children's wellbeing and say that you have been threatened by the social worker and you will not be taking him into your home and that you will hold the hospital and social worker responsible for releasing him against doctors orders. Give a copy to everyone involved in his care, to the social worker and their supervisor and maybe their supervisor.

You don't have to take him back into your home.

Helpful Answer (15)

Great advice 👍

(1)

Update**** Thank you all who told me to stand my ground and protect myself and my children. He was approved for long term care... He’s going to a long term care of my choice from the hospital. Now my father can get the help he actually needs. In the hospital, my father was there for over a week and he never put feces on their wall or floor. He doesn’t even act out as he did in my house. The nurses said he was sweet at the hospital. Every time I visited he pointed at the door and wanted to go home. I had told him he was going to rehab once he leaves the hospital. He rolled his eyes and turned the other way. He wasted no time soon as I walked in the room to start pointing to things he wanted me to do.. His nurse literally had walked out the room but he wanted me to do it. I really think he’s been on his best behavior at the hospital because he thinks he can come home. It’s like was he intentionally doing that at my house for attention? The feces on my wall and floor multiple times a day. The walking around naked in front of my kids. The yelling in my face. I literally was cleaning up feces two or three times a day and he wears a diaper.. Smh anywho, I’m glad I can finally get my peace back and despite how he’s treated me. I was no good for my father being a burn out care giver.. He went from the emergency room to long term care.. Thank you all once again. Your replies helped me a lot!!!

Helpful Answer (14)

That’s fantastic that he was approved for LTC! Great news! So happy for you.

Let us know how the transition goes.

(0)

Ahmijoy is right. Don't be tricked into bringing him home!

Two things to keep in your mind:

"I explained to his caseworker he needed long term care because I’m not able to take care of him."

Don't back down -- you cannot take care of him.

"She said he can get in-home care."

That won't be enough -- it is NOT 24/7 care!

It's easiest for these caseworkers if the family assumed responsibility for the elder. Remember this -- do NOT accept any "temporary" placement back to your home as they "work to find someplace." Temporary becomes permanent. You will be stuck.

Helpful Answer (13)

Thank you all! I’m going to stand my ground. If I don’t with the route I’m on dealing with him I’ll be in the hospital or dead myself. He’s done got in my face a few times, pointing and yelling at me In front of my children and they’ll be right there watching with fear in their eyes. I’m scared that my 6 yr old is eventually going to go to school and tell his teacher. He said mom don’t let granddaddy come back. Breaks my heart. He wears a diaper but he would still manage to put feces on my floor and wall. Touching the cabinets and refrigerator with it. Which I never understood that. He would do it at least twice day. So I spent half of the day bleaching just to turn around for him to do it again. I can’t sleep when he’s in my house because I fear he will burn down my house or I feel like eventually my kids are going to get sick or I will and I don’t even trust him around my kids from the behavior he has showed me. If I get in trouble for protecting my children then so be it. But I can’t take him back.

(13)

Instead of being threatened by the hospital social worker, contact your Dept. of Aging and report your father's situation and explain that you need their help to get your father into long term care because the hospital seems unable to do this. Contact everyone you can: your county ombudsman, Dept. of Health, etc. The hospital has an obligation to ensure that your father will be safe when discharged, but they are too under-staffed to take care of this.

Helpful Answer (12)

PS: being conservator or guardian does not usually mean that you have a legal obligation to spend your own money to care for your father. But if you have spent his money for either his care or for your own expenses, you need documentation for all that you spent and if not you may be liable to repay whatever was used for yourself beyond that the court thinks is reasonable, including gifts your father might have made.

(5)

Caregiving ruined my life and my relationship with my mom. Never had a good relationship with my brothers and this only made it worse. Now no relationship with anyone and I am the one in therapy because they are perfect and smarter than God. To hear my brother twist scripture always made me sick to my stomach.

I hate when people use God to hurt people. I am a believer but I feel atheists who are good moral people are better than hypocrites. Even Jesus Christ despised hypocrites.

I don’t think any less of non believers. If my only example of a Christian would be my my brother and those like him I would never be a believer. Fortunately, there are wonderful Christians who don’t behave anything like my brother.

Sorry for the rant. Having a very bad day. Went for my check up at the doctor and she ordered more lab work. Grrrrrr. I took such good care of my mom that I suffer emotionally and physically.

I am paying a hefty price for sacrificing everything for a woman that turned on me like a snake along with my brothers. Honestly, no amount of money is worth it!

Helpful Answer (11)

Oh I understand, I don’t speak with my siblings anymore. Although, my father wasn’t there for us(His 4 kids) growing up not even when we was adults.. But I felt like he had a decent relationship with my sister and brother as they was grown. He would do things for them. I felt like he only called me when he wanted money or me to pay for something. When he was healthy and in his right mind I had helped him out with his bills and he started making it a habit and one day I told him I can’t pay your books anymore I got my own.. Plus that’s the only time you call me. He got mad and stopped talking to me for a month. Didn’t even call to say happy bday!! I guess I always held on to one day I’d have that daddy and daughter relationship that I always wanted not realizing it was never worth it. So I don’t think he genuinely ever cared for me. But when he had got sick I had tried to step in and help him. He had nothing. No insurance and still no money but I still tried to help him. His other kids are nowhere around. They refuse to help me with him. I even told them that you all could help me. I was always there for them. Always the one being a solution to their problems and now that I have a problem no one to help. It’s like my Father doesn’t care that I have kids as long as I’m able to do what he wants and keep him out the nursing home even if it cost me my life. He’s always been selfish even in his sickness. He doesn’t care. He gets home and is a whole another person but goes to the hospital and does everything they ask him to do. So I don’t even know if he’s pretending or if it’s the early stage of dementia.. My house use to be laughter, fun, and peace. Since he came it’s been nothing but hell... Sometimes I feel like he punishes me for the way he is but you wasn’t there for me for 30 something years and I’m still trying to do right by him even though I owe him nothing.. Having a good heart got me in the situation I’m in.. I should’ve turned the other cheek like he did my whole life to me.. But I suggest his social worker do her job because today I choose my peace and happiness..

(9)

It sounds like they are starting to listen to the doctor.

I would be asking how you get him placed as conservator if you can be held responsible as tacy22 indicates then you have the authority to place him.

I would also be finding out how to get out of being his conservator if you can't get any help to get him placed in care.

Helpful Answer (7)