Bringing MIL back to old house for a couple of days but what if she refuses to leave?

I work in a Memory Care facility as a front desk receptionist. We have a son who's mother suffers from advanced dementia and is very, very difficult to handle because she eats everything she can get her hands on, including another resident's hearing aid, a nail from under her chair, etc. She is non verbal at this point and only 76 years old. Her son insists she will 'get better' if she's treated properly, which is denial at its worst. He's also insisting she get lessons in Sign Language so she can 'learn to communicate'. If she could communicate, she'd do so with the language skills she's had for the past 7 decades. He'd be MUCH better off to accept the reality of the situation rather than to fight it, looking for a 'cure' which is non-existent.

Your husband is depressed & unable to see reality with his mother, who is suffering a lot more than mild cognitive impairment, I'm afraid. She is a lot further down the dementia highway than anyone realizes, so reading up on the subject is recommended. Taking her to her old home IS NOT recommended. Neither of you are equipped do deal with taking this woman to the house she used to live in, filled with memories and things and all sorts of potential disasters!!

You may indeed not be able to get her out of there and THEN WHAT? I strongly suggest you both read up about dementia and what to expect in mid stage of the disease, as well as advanced. Most people waffle back & forth between the stages, exhibiting signs of each. Dementia is VERY tricky and VERY unpredictable. You just never know what to expect!

When she says she wants to go back & visit her home, I'd tell her it's been sold and no longer available to visit. Period. Make up whatever lies you have to in order to get her to let go of the idea entirely. Visit the house BEFORE you visit her, and pick up whatever mementos or items you think she'd like, so you can give them to her when you visit her in IL.

Hopefully your husband will see the doctor & get a prescription for his depression so he can feel better soon and be able to grieve the loss of his dad. I'm so sorry for your loss and truly hope this visit turns out okay and not to be a nightmare.

Best of luck!

Well if your husband has agreed, he is the one to take her and deal with the consequences without any help from you.

Or he can grow a spine, realize that his mother is not capable of any of the above and tell her on reflection he is unable to accommodate her request.

I am so sorry for the loss that your family has suffered.

It is still so new and raw, no decisions should be made yet.

When is your trip? Is there enough time for some of the shock to wear off?

I think that I would make her promise that in return for being taken to see the old homestead that she will not fight when it is time to go.

It sounds like you are going to have a fight with your husband if you try to stop him from doing this, perhaps he needs closure and having his mom there will help him.

Sudden deaths are so difficult to process. You are going to have to help him face the reality that is the new normal, dad is gone and mom lives in IL. She needs him to make good decisions for her based on her wellbeing and not emotions or her idea of reality. Her safety comes 1st, then her needs and usually that takes so much that wants are not even part of the equation.

He will do the right thing, right now he is shell shocked, just keep pointing him in the right direction and love him through this difficult time.

NO, NO, NOPE!
Do NOT take her back to her house!
Just the risk of her refusing to leave is enough reason.
I would refuse to be a part of that craziness.

It's unfortunate that hubby is in denial re dementia. It's a sad and horrible thing BUT he needs to come to terms with it BEFORE your trip. It looks like you're going to have to be the adult and have a talk or two with him about this.

If he can't come to terms with this, I would postpone the trip until such point that he has come to accept dementia and no trip to the house.

Do not take her there. It would be a major mistake. You have to get hubby to see the light on this. You guys HAVE to get on the same page before you get to your MILs.

While it's unfortunate that he caved and promised her that you'd take her there but I would ask him to not make her any more promises of any kind. Somehow he has to reneg on that promise.

The doctor won't allow it. The roads are bad. We're too busy today. Have a list of excuses that you can keep doling out and keep her busy with other things instead.

Is DH's depression being addressed medically?

When grief and the depression that sometimes accompanies it cause a person to act in ways that put themselves or others in danger, it's time to get treatment.

My mother grabbed the steering wheel from my DH while we were driving her from rehab to Assisted Living. She could have killed us all, not to mention other folks on the road.

Trying to "please" someone with dementia can be a path fraught with dangerous potholes.

Have DH call the local police in MIL's community and have a discussion about what would happen if he called them for assistance if she refuses to leave. Likely, they will tell him that they will not be able to assist because MIL has not been declared incompetent. You will be faced with the choice of staying with her and becoming her forced caregivers or leaving her on her own.

Try to figure out in advance which you are going to do.

Your description that she lacks skills in so many areas, sound like more than cognitive decline to me. If she is having delusions, limited vocabulary, poor judgment, etc.......I'm not sure what your DH is thinking, but, I would not assist him taking her from the facility. She could refuse to leave and then you have to see an attorney, file legal papers to get court orders, etc. which is involved and expensive. I'd likely tell DH to get a legal consult before hand, so, he knows what he's facing.

Also, what if she becomes upset, what if she wanders away and gets lost? She may become confused and forget that she's planning to sell the place or want to take all items back with her to IL The fact that a house full of furniture would not fit into a small room would have no meaning to her.

It's his mom, I get it, but, I'd make it clear it was very poor decision and warn him that he could end up having to stay there indefinitely to get her settled again AND it might involve spending money on legal fees, if she refuses to return back to the facility. Without a court order, the police may not be able to assist.

I'd likely pick out small items that may have sentimental value for her or pack it all and tell her it's in storage. She can sort through it later......

From your description, your MIL is well beyond "Mild Cognitive Impairment".

Suggest to DH that he speak to the doc who diagnosed MIL as to whether this is a good idea and for suggestions what to do if she refuses to budge.

Do you have POA so that you can hire help to get the house ready for sale?

You might consider telling DH that since he is the one agreeing to this terrible plan, you are going to let him do it by himself. Without your assistance. He can hire help if he thinks he's going to need it.

I would not take her to the house. Your husband may not realize how she isn’t able to mentally process it.