My mom has insisted on me picking her up (I'm 6 1/2 hours away) and bringing her back to my family for Christmas onto New Year's Day. She has been in the ALF now for seven months and is still adjusting. She has always insisted on spending the holidays with us and I've always concurred. I'm worried that if I bring her into my home (consists of three floors), I'll have a very difficult time driving her back to her ALF. I want to spend the holidays with her and entertain her but my mind goes into all of the "what if's"... Any suggestions/input?
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Thing is, I'm hoping that mom's expectations were within the bounds of reality when she (and you) were younger and she was in her right mind.
If mom is paranoid, having regular UTIs and losing it on a semi-regular basis, and if you are no longer 21, fit as a fiddle and able to leap tall buildings at a single bound, why would you do something so foolish as to drive mom 7 hours each way to an unfamiliar place. It's a textbook "things NOT to do with a dementia patient".
It's OK to say "no, I can't possibly do that" to your mother. She will get angry, huffy, weepy. It doesn't matter. The plan you've outlined is NOT safe.
My mother attempted to grab the steering wheel from my husband, totally out of the blue, on a 15 minute trip from rehab to AL. If I had been driving (we were on a 6 lane highway) I would not be writing this right now.
I'm a big believer in "patient driven care" which means that the patient has a autonomy. But that autonomy does not mean that everyone else needs to throw caution to the winds and kill themselves to make a bad plan happen.
Mom can be autonomous to the extent that she can ask for her CARE to be arranged in a way that suits her. She cannot INSIST that unsafe things take place.
I'd tell her that the doctor thinks it unwise. Or simply that you believe it's too long a trip.
Don't let your fear of your parent's anger drive your decision making processes.
Her problems are all mental and emotional. She is physically healthy, thank goodness.
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It's tiring, I understand.... I have ma and aunt 2 minutes away from me. So I pop in..
Christmas is on a Wed. Maybe you can go the weekend before. Take her to a nice place to eat.
My brother lives 7 hours away and no way would have taken my Mom that far. Like mentioned, my Mom too lasted about an hour at any one time.
As to Mom not wanting to return to the AL after the visit, you need to be ready to tell Mom you are not _able_ to care for her in your home beyond a few days of max effort. What's the reason for Mom being in AL so far from her only child? Are you planning on moving closer to her at some point? If not, could you consider an AL closer to you? There will come a point in your mother's dementia journey where she will not be able to cope with a 6-1/2 hour trip or adjusting to a new environment. Maybe this holiday trip could also be used to move your mother into a closer AL so the return trip isn't so long? If her AL was an hour away, wouldn't you be more confident of occasional home visits being easier?
When I bring my mother to my home for a holiday, she's wanting to leave within an hour, worrying about all sorts of things and not wanting to use the unfamiliar bathroom at my house. I have to pull up all the rugs, move furniture, get my step son and my husband to wrangle her up the 3 steps to the front door, and so on.
This year for Thanksgiving, I made reservations for brunch. Mother will come if she's up to it. Christmas will be a short get together at my ranch style home and then driving her back to the ALF 4 miles away. Just a one hour outing exhausts the life out of her truthfully. I could not fathom driving her in a car for 6+ hrs one way. No way.
Best of luck.