My mother is in the hospital since Friday with an infected toe. She is on IV antibiotics. She asks for my help changing her depends in the bathroom and then snaps at me and tells me to shut up. Well I changed her and got her in bed and told her I was leaving now and then left. She is sweet as pie to the doctors and nurses and treats me like sh*t. She is of sound mind. The doctor that saw her said she is as sharp as a tack. I need to get her into assisted living because I know when she gets home she will not let me help her with the wound. She is also a hoarder. Now she can’t even find the remote to the tv a week ago. Should I tell the doctor and nurses? She is of sound mind but she won’t change her clothes or bathe. Her toe got that way because she won’t soak it and won’t let me help her. She got her toenails clipped 2 weeks ago by a podiatrist and they didn’t look like that then. But since she has had the same socks on for 2 weeks she didn’t know what her toe looked like. It was nasty. All gross and infected. It got that way because she let it go and didn’t let me help her!! She just blames it on the podiatrist. Then she was complaining to me yesterday that the nurses gave her a water pill to take. It is her prescribed medication. But it makes her urinate. She’s mad at the nurse for giving her the water pill and takes it out on me. I can’t take it anymore. I know if by some miracle she goes to assisted living she will never speak to me again. I am so torn right now.
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2. The minute mom says something nasty, get up and leave. "I'll come back when you're feeling better". No argument. Statement, then leave.
3. Seek out the discharge planning department and or the social work department. Explain your understanding of your mother's mental illness and the condition of her home. Explain that you don't live with her and that you are not permitted to help in meaningful ways. Ask their advice.
4. Try to get clarity on the fact that your mother's anger won't kill you. You can stand up to her, talk back to her or walk out on her. None of these actions will harm you. She has groomed you (look up Fear, Obligation and Guilt) to be controlled by her anger. If you need to seek out therapy to help you in this process, so be it.
5. Your mother has also groomed you to see "dirty looks" from folks like nurses. I'll tell you a secret. They are not giving you a moment's notice. My mother trained me to hear "tone of voice", raised eyebrows, etc., as meaning certain things. Hogwash. No one is thinking anything about you. They are far too busy.
These doctors and hospitals see our mother's for a mere moment in time. They see the Face our mothers WANT them to see, which is one of 'sanity' and 'composure' and 'competency'. The reality that WE see and know is something entirely different. If you want your mother to get the help she needs, let down that mask of perfection she's maintaining and let the professionals see the TRUTH.
I did it back in 2016 and have been doing so ever since. My mother will no longer call the shots where her health is concerned, because she is NOT fine and I will no longer be paying the price for those LIES. Neither should you!
Good luck Elaine.
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I am thinking that they will notice that she doesn't bathe when they change her depends.
You can't help someone that doesn't want it, especially when they are of sound mind. You have to decide what you will and won't do and learn to say no. Learn to tell her to stop talking nasty and hateful or you will leave and the next nasty word you walk away and try again tomorrow.
She can only use you as a doormat because you lay down. Stand up, you are an adult and you do not have to accept being verbally, mentally, physically or emotionally abused by her.
NOW is the time to make those waves & hold on tight for the wild ride! And remember: you are doing this to HELP her because she's unable and unwilling to help herself. Many 'children' would have deserted their mother by now, given all these crazy things she does, but you've hung on! You're not giving up, you're doing everything you can to HELP her, and I applaud you!!!
She is gonna get MAD, but that's okay. Who cares? She's been mad lots of times before, what else is new? Remember to be strong and take charge of this situation which is now out of control!!!
You can do this g/f!!! Sending a big hug your way!!
Yes, you really need to say this to the hospital team. And you need to step away from helping her. I know you want to help her, but she won't let you.
You have at least one sibling, correct? Where is he or where are they? Do they know what you are dealing with?
When the hospital staff tell you she is "sharp as a tack" have them go in and really ask her questions about her living conditions etc and hopefully they will come to understand. If no one listens to you and she is discharged, you have to let her crash and burn and get APS in to do assessment. There is no reason for you to be abused but you have to stop allowing this for her good and for you as well.
Don't hang around her all day for any abuse.
She is in the hospital, take a full day off.
Today. It is Sunday.
Let the hospital social worker assigned to your mother deal with her discharge. Do not allow yourself to get roped into being her caregiver after discharge. Just be matter of fact about the way she treats you - verbal abuse, rejection of *your* help - and learn to say something like: "My mother is abusive toward me. I need the hospital to work out her discharge plans with her directly. Do not include me on her care team."
Your mother may be sharp as a tack and have mental illness; they are not mutually exclusive. That you are afraid your mother "will never speak to me again" demonstrates the power she has over you. If you don't take back the power, nothing will change. You certainly won't change her! You only can change yourself.
You have options. You matter. One step at a time.
It's not worth fighting your mother if she doesn't want to be helped. Folks like this are their own worst enemy. If the hospital isn't seeing her as too far gone to care for herself, then it's not your job to foist your care upon her.
I know that this is hard. (((((((((hugs)))))))))
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