How can I help my grandpa, when he won't let me?

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Aricara2000 Asked November 2019

How can I help my grandpa, when he won't let me?

My mother has rights over my pap, but she moved away and won't help. It's just me and my husband and son trying to help. But he won't let us. He hasn't been able to clean himself ( besides wipes) in at least a year. He won't come over my house to bathe. He goes bathroom on himself because he can't take the stairs. He has money and he won't use it out a bathroom downstairs. He lost his license so if he ever needs something, it's us trying to figure everything out. He needs more help than I can give, but IDK how to help. I tried to get an in home nurse for him, but that didn't work out. And he yells and throws things if I ask about a nursing home. Plz help. I don't want him to suffer but IDK what to do?

Activities of Daily Living Care Decisions Grandparent Refusing Care

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score 1 · Answer 1

If he can't do the stairs for the bathroom, maybe he will use a urinal or commode?
Negotiate.

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score 3 · Answer 2

Does Mom have DPOA for Grands finances and medical? Are they in effect, meaning Grand was declared incompetent to handle his own affairs? If not than Mom has no "rights" as u put it. So, she has just walked away and left u handling the bag.

You need to call APS and tell them grands is a vulnerable adult. They will investigate and get back to you on their findings. If they feel he cannot care for himself, then give them Moms info. It will be up to Mom on how this is all handled. If she doesn't want to care for him then she either gets her POA invoked so she can make decisions for him or she allows the state to take guardianship. If that happens, the state will place him and take over his finances.

I know u love him, but I wouldn't take on this responsibility. Your Mom doesn't have to physically care for him but she does have a duty to make sure he is in a safe, clean place where he will be cared for.

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Well he named her POA. He wasn't declared un-fit tho. Thank you so much for the info. I'm going to do as you said. It's hard but, I love him and I need to do what's best for him

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score 0 · Answer 3

I agree. Adult protective services needs to intervene. I will tell you that I advise against getting guardianship, because it will pretty much land you right where you are. Let the state intervene and handle this and tell them you are "unable to do so".

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I disagree that guardianship will land her right where she is. That’s factually incorrect because as guardian she will have the authority to place him in a facility where he will be taken care of.

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score 1 · Answer 4

If he is truly self neglecting by the standards of your local government then they will take action.

Here is the link for Adult Protective Services for your Area which has phone and email info.

http://www.lcdjfs.com/social-services/adult-protective-services

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score 6 · Answer 5

Your mom doesn’t have rights over your grandfather.

POA, guardianship, those don’t give you rights OVER someone else. They give you decision making authority and certain responsibilities. If your mom is POA, it’s probably not in effect until your grandfather is declared incompetent. If it’s in effect now, she still doesn’t have power over him. even as POA, she can’t force your grandfather to accept caregivers or make home improvements or bathe himself.

Report him to APS as a vulnerable adult. Let them take over.

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Maybe it a state to state thing but from my understanding you are confusing terms and duties a little here. In CT at least guardianship is something a pointed by a court when a person is deemed unable to make their own decisions and hasn’t appointed someone to do it for them. POA simply gives the appointee the ability to legally carry out business for another person as directed by or agreed to by that person (so simply acting as an extension of them) DPOA, in CT all POA documents are also DPOA, give the appointee the rights and responsibilities to take over the decision making if and when certain criteria are met, typically medical professionals deem the person unable to comprehend and make decisions for themselves. Guardianship and DPOA basically enable the appointee to do the same things but one is given by the person while they are able to make that decision so Doesn’t have to account for and report to the courts regularly the way an appointed guardian does. I’m not saying they don’t have the same responsibility they do but since one was appointed by the person they are caring for and they had full say in who and how it would go into affect and the other is appointed by a third party who doesn’t know the patients actual wishes the accountability is different. That’s my understanding anyway.

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score 3 · Answer 6

I don’t feel your mom should have “rights” if she’s abandoned the situation. Does that mean she obtained guardianship?
Second im not sure you know what you’re getting yourself into, so read this website and get an idea of what you are signing up for if you choose to take this on, on ANY level.
If he needs help but refuses to accept it and is living in dangerous conditions then you should call Adult Protective Service right away so they can go out and evaluate his home and mental capacity. It does not sound as if he’s mentally healthy and if your mom left him that way, he needs to be placed in a safe clean and cared for environment which will be a nursing facility and the type will depend on his needs after evaluation. There will be financial obligations once he’s placed so if he has money he’ll need to pay if he doesn’t have long term care insurance.
I EMPLORE you to do research before taking responsibility as it is one so challenging it could ruin your life, mental and emotional capacities and your marriage depending how involved you become. Do not allow anybody to strong arm you into taking him into your home, it sounds as if he needs a lot of care you aren’t trained for!! Please keep reading...

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Yeah it definitely does affect my husband and I. It's hard. I feel like I owe it to him. No one else is helping. ( He has 7 daughters and none help) but ty for replying. I did report him. But they also said if he refuses help, they can't do anything. ( Unless he has lost his mental capacity) which he can hold a conversation, and he remembers pretty well. He just doesn't care anymore I think

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How can I help my grandpa, when he won't let me?

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