What to do about mom 95 with dementia who wants to live with us?

She's not 'alone' in Assisted Living, that's for sure! If she chooses to be by herself and full of self-pity, that's the choice SHE is making and has nothing to do with YOU. There are plenty of activities to take advantage of in AL, people to hobnob with, movies to watch, bingo to play, etc. That's the whole idea and purpose of AL to begin with..........to offer day camp for elders. Anti depressants are also available to her from her doctor, should he diagnose her to be medically depressed.

You can't 'fix' this. There's no cure for 95, I'm afraid. Taking her to live with you is a gigantic mistake, as you probably already know, so don't even consider it. You and your brother can visit her as time permits, and even take her out to dinner if she's interested in going, but then you can go home afterward.

Keep it that way, for your own sanity!

I might have her evaluated by her doctor for depression. Medication really helped my LO who has dementia. As the dementia progressed, it scared my LO and she wanted me with her a lot to comfort her. She would tell me things seemed strange, dreamlike, she wasn't sure what was real. It seemed to help to comfort her, tell her everything was okay, etc. Then, the medication helped a lot. I will add that she most likely keeps saying that she needs you there more, because, she doesn't remember when you were there. I could leave the room and then return and my LO would think it was the first time that day. So, no amount of time visiting would have been enough for her. I just had to do what I could and find peace with that.

Also, with progression, their ability to read my decline, which you mention, as well as their ability to engage in conversation with other residents or to participate in activities. In a regular AL, my LO was lost due to her progression. I don't see it as feeling sorry for yourself, but, being terrified and uncomfortable. I might discuss things with the staff to see if she unable to fit in now. I know that my LO's progression prevented her from doing that. Her needs became too much and I moved her to a Memory Care unit. That was a huge improvement and she seemed much more content there, since there was more hands on care. And, the activities were more on her level. I saw a big change with the medication to help her mood and the increased care.

Your mother is going to feel very depressed no matter where she is, said but true. It’s not you or your brothers responsibility to make her happy. The thing is, if she’s unhappy she will stay that way regardless of what you do. Happiness comes from within. If she’s upset over the things she can no longer do, that’s not going to change if you move her in with you. She still won’t be able to do those things. Best thing you can do is support her where she is.

She is 95, she is where she needs to be. There are activities she can do, friends to be made. She is manipulating you, stop catering to her every need, don't visit as often, let her settle in and accept the fact that is where she will remain.

Guilt is a self imposed emotion, that is keeping you stuck. Life is not perfect, accept that, it is not your job to make her happy...won't work anyway...happiness is an inside job.

She can't see, she can't occupy herself, she's becoming depressed and her spirits are low.

All of those will still be true no matter where your mother is, or (come to that) who is in the room with her.

It is not unnatural, though, that her main source of consolation is her children. You do tend to focus on what really, really matters to you when you're losing everything, after all, don't you.

That does not mean that you and your brother should upend your entire lives to spend every spare moment keeping your mother's misery company - even if it weren't an unreasonable demand, it wouldn't make enough difference to your mother to be worth the sacrifice.

But do recognise how important your presence is to her, and give her what time you can. You can't solve her difficulties but you yourself are a comfort to her.

OK. Time for a reality check. Your mother is 95. Repeat it. 95. Whatever you do don’t bring her to live with you. It is clear you are suffering under her influence. Of course she is bored.

Ask the staff to encourage her more to participate in activities. She should make friends her own age

Most AL have many activities that residents can participate in. Perhaps if you and your brother stay away a bit, she will be encouraged to get out of her room and participate?