How do I deal with mom berating and emasculating my dad?

I feel that there is not much a child can do, ultimately, other than accept the situation and draw boundaries.

Within the last two years, I have had to step in when there was a threat of physical violence (there was actual physical abuse of mom by dad when I was a child). Luckily, I think dad has listened. He knows they will no longer have me around if he acts out, physically. I issued this ultimatum. He taught me all about how to do that.

I have had to learn "loving detachment". Mom trained me to be her confidant and ally against Dad when I was growing up.

I finally learned that I need to step back and take care of my sanity by refusing to be the third party to this marriage.

I can't keep being both a supportive daughter and a part of the marriage. I choose to keep my sanity and continue to be the supportive daughter, while asserting boundaries with mom regarding her continued attempts to draw me into the marriage and to mold myself to tend her emotions.

I am no saint and I sure as heck am not a martyr. It is not my problem that she spent most of her life with a man she holds in contempt. I have made sacrifices to be here, for them, but I will not throw my life away after theirs. After all, they taught me to be strong, too.

I sound bitter, because I am. I also love them both, dearly. I am determined to be here for them. They gave me so much and I am grateful. That does not mean I want to be their daughter, or anyones, for that matter. But I am.

The misery I would cause to myself and to them by abandonment is not worth the freedom I would gain.

It is not my marriage, anymore.

My parents are similar to this, sorta.

My dad was an A-HOLE toward my mom for their first 30+ years of marriage. Loud, verbal abuse daily. And she took it.

Then, in a surprising turn, he helped her greatly for several years with my grandmother who was in poor health. Then, a series of family drama took its toll on my father and he developed some heart ailments.

Now the roles have flipped in their house, since around 1999 and my mom bullies my dad, very much like what you have described. I tell him "he created that monster," because he DID for 30 years.

They both still have most of their marbles but are so miserable together.

I am thinking back off. But, I can understand that you are concerned with your mom bullying your dad. Maybe there is a way to conversationally distract your mom’s barrage.

Don't stop visiting your father. Do avoid "getting into it" with your mother. Best you can hope for is that your good example will rub off on her, even if it's only a little bit; so try to ignore what she says and does and focus on making your own interactions with your Dad really positive for him.

If it begins to get worse, though... there are options. It's just that the options would impact on him, and although *we* might think they'd impact in a good way - he may not agree. "Better the devil you know," as they say.

Some couples are negatively bonded. My ex-Mil berated her husband constantly. The day he died of a massive coronary, she wailed how wonderful he was, how she missed him, etc.

It was my choice to avoid her as much as was possible, as her own son did the same.

It is not your role to save your Dad from your mother. Spend time separately. Not an easy thing to do when they are, in fact, a couple.

He sees his oxygen tank as a sign of weakness?

There is really not much hope of getting around this sort of dysfunction and denial, I fear.

I witnessed my mother do the exact same things to my father for my entire life. She never had ONE nice word for him, ONE decent thing to say, only hateful and miserable words to reinforce what he didn't do for her and what he should have done but fell short of. My aunt *her sister* did the exact same thing to her husband for their entire 70+ year marriage as well. Towards the end of his life, my father had had enough of being berated by my mother, so he finally stood up to her. They had some pretty fierce arguments that I'd be called to break up, believe it or not. I always hated what my mother did to my father, and I also hated that he never divorced her for the mistreatment. I too would stand up for him which led my mother to accuse me of 'being against' her all the time.

To say it was a 60 year chit-show is an understatement. My father passed away in 2015 and the FIRST thing my mother said was, "Oh, I wasn't so nice to him, was I?" I nearly bit my tongue OFF rather than utter a single word at that point.

Nowadays, she never even speaks his name. Says she doesn't miss him one single bit, that he treated HER badly for their whole marriage, so why SHOULD she miss him?

There really is no dealing with this type of woman. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. I'd try to have some private conversations with your dad without your mother eavesdropping, if such a thing is even possible, and leave it at that. In reality, HE chose to stay with her, as my father chose to stay with my mother, so they're lying in the beds they've made for themselves.

I'm sorry you're bearing witness to all this hurtful nonsense, I know how it feels. Sending you a hug, my friend

I’ve been thinking the same thing but my dad doesn’t want to go anywhere because of the oxygen. He sees it as a sign of weakness. Sometimes it’s best to take a step back I guess.

Presumably, this is a long established pattern in their relationship. Dad must have had the opportunity to leave when he was younger and healthier, yes?

Is mom burned out from caring for dad? Does he attend adult day care? Does she get respite care hours? How is HER emotional and physical health?

Have you ever talked to mom about placing dad in a facility?

Yes, I would just stay away, no reason to stir the pot. Perhaps you can pick him up on occasion and spend some quality time with him...alone...no drill sergeant.