Is a response necessary to family members or is my decision enough?

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Pasa18 Asked November 2019

Is a response necessary to family members or is my decision enough?

I'm 100% on when mom is alert enough and it's nice to be present for her. For her final days, I don't want to be worn out. I just want to be present for this part of the journey. Mom's doctor and home health have recommended hospice. She's declined and in bed, not eating much and doesn't want to see the doctor or go to the hospital. I visited a place near by her home where she will have help and hospice can take place.

I've sent out status text messages to family and tonight let them know about hospice care. One family member seemed surprised. I asked for input or help along the way and heard absolutely nothing other than "keep me posted". With this message about finding a place and hospice, I am getting a barrage of messages now that I should "respect her wishes" and keep her at home. I didn't fully read one message after I saw that I was called irrational for not keeping her at home. I have kept her in her home. One person can't do this 24/7.

I am venting here tonight because mom's words to me after her last ER visit is "no one came", "they are all just waiting for me to pass and get their share". I sense her loneliness and I remain, making a project of cooking, decluttering, etc. But it's now my loneliness, and I need a life. I'm with mom to her end but I can't do so risking my well-being further.

Care Decisions End of Life Hospice Relationships

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score 10 · Answer 1

Pasa, if any of the naysayers want to come and take on mom's care, tell them that their hands on help would be most welcome

Your plan for mom sounds perfect. Time to be her loving daughter. Leave the caregiving to the professionals

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BB, I invited anyone to do a load of laundry, pick up needed supplies, sit in so I could do an errand and got nothing. So my decision isn't without consideration. No one person can do it all, even with delivery service and hiring help.

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score 10 · Answer 2

I don't understand families that refuse to do any heavy lifting and yet feel entitled to dictate how things are handled. I think in popular culture there are too many false impressions about what it is like to die and absolutely no time or thought given to discussing what it takes to care for someone who doesn't have one of those Hollywood deaths. You are very wise to acknowledge reality and your own limitations.

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score 9 · Answer 3

Let it go. Never try to justify your decisions, it only opens up the opportunity for more criticism. You have made the only decision that will work for you. You are right nobody can do 24/7, when the end comes, without a support system in place. So, just updates are great, no explanation necessary. If critics become too difficult stop with even information only communications.

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score 8 · Answer 4

Another difficult journey made more difficult by family members that have no interest in helping, no idea what they’re talking about, and no qualms to criticize. Pasa18, I am so very sorry. It’s okay to let your family know that you ARE respecting mom’s wishes just as you have done all along. It’s okay to let them know that having not participated in the journey, they have no right to criticize. It’s not appropriate and it’s not helpful. I also was with my mom when she noted that everyone else in the family had abandoned her during her times of need. It was heart breaking for her, and honestly for me too as I realized that I was on my own. And now I’m going through this with my father in hospice. The advice I give you, I’m trying to practice myself. Big hugs for you. I know how tough this is.

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Canoe63, may you find strength within yourself for care of your father as well. ty

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score 8 · Answer 5

You are respecting your mother's wishes, she wants to be properly cared for. If any of them think that they can do a better job let them take her for a few weeks each, watch how their tune changes.

This is a common process when one does everything and the others sit on the side line.

Your plan is perfect, keep moving forward. My very best!

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score 8 · Answer 6

I like your plan. I too am basically alone in all decisions about my mom. It surprises me, as she had been so generous to everyone. The difference is that my family doesn't even get involved enough to make suggestions to me, as yours do. I guess that's actually good that mine don't.

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score 5 · Answer 7

I am sorry that your siblings think that laying all the responsibility on you is any kind of appropriate response.

I don't think that I would involve them anymore. I think that they have made themselves crystal clear and you have done the best you can.

I completely agree with moving her where you are not on 24/7 as the caregiver. Sounds like they are worried about their inheritance.

It takes a village and since they are not willing to step up you must do what you feel will be best for you and mom.

Such a difficult time, hugs and may God grant you strength and wisdom to deal with your family.

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score 5 · Answer 8

I think there comes a point in life where we have to stop explaining ourselves & our decisions and just let others think what they think and feel how they feel. You don’t owe your family members anything. Either they support you and mom or they don’t. Don’t waste your time on them, it’s not worth it. You are the one with your mom every day, you know the reality of her situation. Keep moving forward and don’t give the nay sayers any of your emotional energy.

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score 5 · Answer 9

Do the messages about respecting your mother's wishes include a fully-worked schedule of shifts that these family members are willing to undertake?

If not, I suggest you ask them what contribution they plan to make towards the work involved in achieving this important goal. Note: sniping at you does not count as work.

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Is a response necessary to family members or is my decision enough?

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