How much more are we expected to take? I'm falling apart.

I understand how you feel. I'm caring for my dad with alzheimers. He's verbally abusive only to me. I don't know how much more I can take

Bella, you say that your stepdad purchased the house and you would pay rent. Since he passed away the home is hers. You need to move out. I agree with lealonnie and just get a little studio apartment for your own piece of mind.

If this is your house, in your name, get her OUT and into Assisted Living. She probably WILL like it............I do not see AL as a 'loss' at all but as a new and better way of life for elders since they have lots to do and plenty of other people their own age to hobnob with. Give her a date she has to leave by and a choice of AL #1 or #2, and that's it. Or tell her she has to find another place to live of her choosing, but not at your daughter's because that is not an option.

If the house belongs to her, YOU move out. You'd be better off living in a studio apartment of your OWN, on your own, than in this living nightmare you're in now.

Enough is enough. Fix this mess right away!

Good luck!!

Leave

Here's what I think I understand...
You have been living in this home and paying rent since before your stepfather passed away. After your stepfather's passing, title to the home is now, presumably, solely in your moms name, and you are still paying rent to her. I'm also assuming that your mom could live alone without need for care.

If that is all true, I'm not sure what you can do except move out. Find somewhere else you can afford and move out. You did it before when you were young. You move out, you moved on, you raised a daughter, and now you have three adorable grandchildren. God bless you!

Do not let your mother move in with your daughter. There's actually not much you could do about it, but do try very hard to talk your daughter out of it. She needs to raise her own children and not be burdened with taking care of her grandmother.

If the house is legally yours, I'd likely talk to a counselor, to gain the tools to set boundaries on acceptable behavior by her in your home and an attorney to find out what your legal obligation is to her, if any. That way, you can know what is possible and explore the options. If it's your home and you are not happy with your mom's behavior, I'd explore the legal way to get her set up elsewhere. She may not be on board with it, but, that is not required. There are options. I hope you can find them and find some peace. For me, I don't expect anyone to live in a miserable environment and I can't imagine who would.

Your profile says she has "age-related decline". Does this mean she has been diagnosed with dementia?
Do you own the house or does she? Or jointly?
Who has durable PoA for her?
Answering these questions will help the forum give you better guidance.
Please, under NO circumstances should your daughter allow her to move in with her!
Also, if you are able to get your mom checked for a UTI, I would do it. It can worsen dementia symptoms but has an easy cure of antibiotics.

No, your Mom won't "like" assisted living. Why should she. It is one more loss in a world now that is nothing but loss after loss after loss. You cannot "fixit". You cannot make it better. Don't expect to.
Do know also--and I think you recognize this--whether purposely so or as a result of her disease your Mom is being abusive to you. Perhaps she always was? And it is what you expect and are used to? Because you have to recognize now that this is all in your hands, and your choice. Your mother is no longer in control. You are. People always think they WANT control, but honestly there is a good deal of grieving involved with recognizing we DO have limitations, we are NOT able to fix everything, and life is NOT going to be pretty. I feel sorry for Mom, as well. But there is no other answer, unless that person feels so sorry that they would like to take on this "undoable" task.
Good luck. I hope you will recognize going forward that it is now your choice for your life. No one can do it for you. No one can make it pretty. No one can make everyone happy. I am so sorry for all the grief. But grief is a part of life for us all, and the sooner we accept that fact the less we will fight the tears; we will just spill them and let them help to bathe us in forgiveness. Of ourselves and our limitations. Of others, and their own limitations.
Do remember my admonitions about Sainthood. You will die tortured and shot full of arrows. Then you can spend eternity attempting to answer the prayers of humanity. Not a good job description. Love out to you. You WILL get this, no matter how long it takes. The bottom of the barrel is sometimes a good place to be because there's nowhere to go but up.
As to assisted living being full of old people. Yup. My bro is in one and has found that to be the case. And he and I will sit out in the sun and compare how much it is like the 60s communes of our youth. Everyone bickering, and complaining. Hee hee.

Bella, this is no longer working.

This is YOUR home; is mom's name on the deed or does she have a lease?

Is she paying rent?

What impairments has she been diagnosed with?

Have you told her, straight out, that you will no longer tolerate verbal abuse? What is her response?

What actions are you willing to take (changing the locks, eviction, calling 911)?

I would find me a place of my own, this is no way to live. Time to stand up to her and be counted, you have let her make you a prisoner living in a cell with invisible bars.

Move on, she will figure it out on her own, no reason to continue accepting her abuse as the normal course of life.

It is up to you to make a change, she is not going to change, she will only get worse, not better either.