Mom loves coming to my house but is confused when she goes back to her adult foster home. Any suggestions?

Thank you so much everyone!!! Some of the “moves” were in and out of the hospital—we were fine until the first adult foster home closed, after we were there only 3 months:) she is here for Thanksgiving but I know this will have to be a last visit😢😢 I so appreciate all the comments, as her disease gets worse the struggle is so real, and I know my husband and I also need our lives back too. I pray she does well at the MCF, I don’t know if happy is possible, but I will leave her there and try to find some peace and to enjoy the visits we have. Now she thinks everyone is stealing her stuff, including me. I’m grateful for this forum...your support is very helpful!!

A word of caution about Memory Care Facilities in general: there is truly a mix of people with terrible behavioral issues in these communities. Unless your mother is in a very advanced stage of dementia where she would not be bothered by anyone or anything, I'd avoid placing her in a MCF for as long as possible. My mother was faring a lot better in the Skilled Nursing Facility she was in for rehab in May than she is nowadays in the MC she was transferred to from the Assisted Living apartment she'd had for 5 years. She went too far downhill after a recent hospitalization and winding up in a wheelchair (and dementia worsened too) to be approved to go back to regular Assisted Living, so they agreed to take her in MC. She hates it there; some of the residents knock on her door by mistake, she hates that to the point of having meltdowns. A resident tends to take her pants off in the activity room; my mother finds that totally unacceptable and complains/rants about it incessantly, etc. So like I said, you WILL find a lot of 'unattractive' behaviors that go along with dementia being exhibited in MC facilities..........and unless your mother is a 'roll with the punches' sort of gal, she may hate it there like my mother does. I'm starting to seriously consider getting her back into the Skilled Nursing Facility she liked (or at least liked BETTER than the MC) after the new year.

As far as taking your mom home for frequent visits, I'd stop doing that............it's obviously not accomplishing anything good for either of you! Once she's happy and settled somewhere, maybe THEN you can consider the occasional visit, but not if it winds up upsetting her. Remember, WE have to adapt to THEIR world now, not the other way around.

Best of luck!

Bring in a special treat twice a week and enjoy it in a private setting while listening to her favorite music. Take her to breakfast before church. But taking her to your house seems confusing for her and demoralizing for you.

I would stop bringing her to your house, this is not helping her to settle in. Set her up in her new place and don't go visit her for awhile, give her a chance to get acclimated to her new surroundings.

I agree with JoAnn. Your mom is being moved around like a chess piece. My mother hated her facility and complained loud and long, but I never let her control me and never bopped her around to many different facilities because I knew she’d never be happy anywhere. She wanted to move in with me, but I knew if would be the death of my marriage and probably of me too. Taking her out was a disaster. I stopped after two tries. I visited her twice a week and listened to her complain. Then I left. I knew she was being well cared for there. I felt no guilt,only determination.

At this point, stop bringing her to your house. You are not allowing her to settle in. She needs to depend on the staff. She also needs to be social and join in with the activities.

People with a Dementia do not do well being taken out of the "norm". They need structure. Mom needs to be where she is. It will be easier for u and her in the future as she declines. She will be used to the staff, the people and the routine. Some facilities suggest not visiting for a length of time to help the resident adjust. To me, this may make the person feel abandoned. I see no problem in being there once a day to help with the transition. But, let the staff do what they do. If Mom needs the bathroom, allow the staff to take her. You can take her down to dinner but this is where u leave her and say goodbye. Find out the facilities routine. Mornings maybe hectic and not a good time to visit. If a staff member comes and says bathtime or therapy, this is a time to say bye. And you don't need to stay long. My Mom was pretty out of it by the time she went to an AL. I would sit her with me and I would talk to the residents. I had one woman whose husband was in the facility. She knew Mom and we would talk. She would turn to Mom and say "what do u think of that Peggy". Knowing Mom was in her own little world but trying to drag her in. Loved her for it.

I would make this next move her last. She will always want to go home. That doesn't mean its the last place she lived. It could be her childhood home. You will need to make the effort on having her social. Take her to the common area. There has to be someone on her level she can talk to. Be there when there are little concerts. Take her to them. Eventually she may want to go on her own. Just don't do everything for her. She is paying big time for the staff to do their jobs.